Traveling to Touble

A rant, more than anything

    As time progresses I realize there are only two ways this could end; breaking up, or falling in love. Both options are for the worse. On the one hand, every day we spend together I grow more infatuated with the silly things you do, I become more comfortable around you; your eyes, the way you make me laugh, the times when you remind me of a child, when I see you vulnerably, the times you're polite; I fall in love. However, in those same moments, I loath you. The way your chin dips, the looks you give me when you want your dick wet, the way you don't focus on me, never compliment me, how you want everyone to think you're insane; You sicken me. If I fall in love with you, I'll be pained by the things I could never change in you. If we broke up, I would miss all the things I'll never get back from you. Every day I wonder if I should leave you feeling loved, or feeling alone, your behavior is so erratic and unpredictable, unreadable even. You tell me to leave then ask me to stay. You say you will never love me, but I can't believe that for some reason. I feel like you think I'm different, though you've given me no reason to. Why else would you care? Why else would you try? How else could you read me so well, with out caring? You must care; you hardly know me, no one could feel so much without knowing so little, unless they wanted to. I feel like I can read you. But are my thoughts reality? Am I correct, or am I imagining you differently than you truly are. I want to know you more.
I can not fathom being in love with you. It would completely ruin my mental stability, or what is left of it. It frightens me to think about this fact and juxtapose it with the fact that I fall in love much too easily. I've loved before, honestly and openly, and I know this could never amount to that. I also know that I'll use all of my energy to compare it to my prior love, working towards the perfection I've had before. I can not handle falling in love again.
    I can not break up either. But if I'm not striving for love, what is the point to settle for mediocrity? I need this relationship, I can not feel so alone. But when I'm with you there are occasions I feel more alone than with out you. But I can not deal with this rejection again. It could be easily argued that my actions when single are much worse than within a relationship. I've been fooled with too many times to fare another loss.
    I can not be with you, nor with out you. To be, or not to be. That is the only question. That is the only direction I can travel; trouble.  

Author's Note

Just a rant basically, about a relationship that can do no good either way.
I think we've all been there.

Reviews

[yellowsparrow]

I'm really loving this right now. It's very much like a place I'm at in my life/relationship so it's hitting home. Really well written, rant or not, it's really well done.