Last Chance

    You once told me, “Please open up to me more, your words mean more than you think, and I care deeply for you”. But how could you utter such words filled with meaningless thought? Against all odds, against every single negative feeling that my heart emitted, I let myself give one last final chance.

            I watched as you carefully fiddled with your thumbs as I presented an offer to you. An offer that would lace both our physical and mental selves together, but without any worry of titles or commitments. In hindsight, it was naïve and impulsive. It was my sudden need to grasp onto you and keep you close.

            You agreed, surprisingly you nodded your head and let out a long breath. And this is when our journey began. We met a few times a week, always outside along the benches by the river. We filled the air with the sounds of laughter. You lovingly caressed my cheeks every now and then and left trails of kisses down my jawline to my chest.

            My heart began to tighten with every meeting we had, you were a close friend, someone who knew all the secrets my heart held and saw past every lie that tumbled out my lips. Perhaps I never realized how gently you treated me, and how much time you put aside for me back then. But that is something I will never truly know.

            As time moved forward, we became more intimate with each other. Not just in body, but in mind. Every time I chose to lie in your bed, I remember staring at your calm sleeping face with sad eyes. I knew that the minute we stopped tangling ourselves in each other’s sheets, we would become mere strangers.

            However, at the single mention of becoming “mere strangers”, you would tense up and cup my cheeks, assuring me with honey-laced words that I was more than just a friend. I was your close friend, someone that you could not lose. And so, I stroked your cheek with my now less doubtful hand and let myself feel relieved.

            But after two or three months, your affection began to dwindle. I knew you so well, so painfully well that I knew when you were busy and when you simply had no time for me. At first, I let it all go. We were nothing more than close friends, so I had no right to interfere. But feelings of jealously and sorrow gripped my soul.

            I began to contact you more often. I began to only feel joy and happiness when I received a ding on my phone from you. Not seeing you for more than two days at a time became almost unbearable for me. I was losing myself in you, and I was becoming scared. What if there came a time where you decided you didn’t need me anymore?

            But you kept surprising me, over and over again. Times you would ignore me, and times when you felt that you just had to see me. So, I fell in love with you. Yes I said it, I fell in love with you, not your body, not your words, just you. I hadn’t felt love in years, and it was an earth shattering and unnerving feeling.

            And then there was our last night. On that warm Saturday night, I casually walked into your room, hoping I would not seem excited to just be in your presence. You enveloped me in your warm arms and I inhaled your intoxicating scent. I held on to you and let myself go, knowing you would care for every inch of me.

            Had I known that our last kiss would have been that night, I would have stayed and kissed you longer. I would not have quickly dressed and left your room in hopes of seeming flexible and ‘chill’. So when you told me the few days after that night that you felt it best to end our seemingly innocent relationship, my heart shattered.

            I did not think it was possible for my already broken heart to break once again. You repeatedly asked how I felt, if I was okay, and that it was you and not I. You said that you felt you were just not this kind of person and that you were so sorry that you had not told me earlier. I did not know what to say.

            All I wanted was for this to be over. I did not want to show you how hurt I felt in that moment. Because if I had let you seen my face, you would have saw nothing but tears streaming down my pale cheeks. And I cursed myself. I cursed my brain and heart. How could I have let myself become vulnerable to another being?

            Against all odds, I had trusted your words that you would never leave. And in that moment, you had left me.

            A few days went by, which turned to weeks. I still felt the dull ache of not seeing you in my heart, but I knew keeping distance was best.

            And when I finally began to feel better, you kept insisting that I was important to you and that you were always someone to talk to.

            And I trusted that again, I messaged you asking to hang out. I asked how you were doing, because you were so important to me.

            But now, it is clear that I am last on your list of things to address. I am your last priority, and even as a friend, you have chosen to let me go.

            Perhaps I will keep holding on, waiting to see when I will get a message saying, “Hey, are you busy tonight?”

            But until you do so, I will keep my distance. When I told you “take care” on the night you left, I meant it not physically but emotionally.

            You will always be one of the most important people in my life, but I will never be able to open up to ever again.

You were my last hope.

Reviews

[aj milton]

Well told, but such a sad ending. And always when the reason seems inexplicable, the loss is greater. But perhaps a new hope will appear

[kittyy]

thank you so much! yes, the unknown is always the most difficult to bear. all we can do is hope right?

[aj milton]

There is always hope!
Sorry if this is not your taste in music, but it is coincidentally titled: Last Hope
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoYu7K6Ywkg

[kittyy]

i love paramore! thanks for the suggestion of music :D