The Further Observations of Humpty Dumpty

This is a parodic prose poem starring Humpty Dumpty and Alice (in Wonderland), debating the nature of words.

 

     “And not only that,” said Humpty to Alice, “But I should think phrases have a lot of work to do themselves.”  “What do you mean?” said Alice, wondering, bored of the affair but too polite to leave.  “Why, we use the same words over, over, and over again.  Why? They’re busy, that’s why!  Words make up phrases, so work doubly, and paid overtime!” Humpty puffed.  Alice, befuddled as ever, prompted for more. “Conversation is made up chiefly of words who can’t find regular work in language,” explained Humpty, teetering this way and tottering that, “but a good number of words have accrued great fortune in phrases.  Take ‘Damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ for instance.  Theres words at work for you, and telling the truth at that!”  Alice giggled and said, “Back where I come from, we call that a cliche.”  Humpty snatched the word from the air and stretched it out to capitals. “No wonder you’re such an insolent little girl!  You don’t give credit to your words at all!”  Alice was indignant!  “Whatever do you mean by that?  Don’t you spell word with small letters as well?”  “You can see I do indeed, but CLICHE means something more than you give it credit for.   It means Capitalist Lingusitic Indoctrination of Collective Hard-working Elements.”  “What does that mean?”  “Why, it means what it says!  That a group of words got together and formed a union, benefits and all!”  “That is nonsense and you know it.   I don’t see how cli...CHES do that.”  Alice complained. “Watch,” said Humpty, “‘Busy as a bee.’  There’s words at work, and mean something by it as well!  Never see a lazy bee do you? Lazy words like harp, but never lazy bees.”  Alice, against her will, began to see a profane and irritating logic behind this.  “What about “‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse?’” “Better than eating an egg, I dare say,” chuckled Humpty, “But it does a fine job of communication, does it not?”  “But I don’t think anyone’s ever really been that hungry.” said Alice.  Humpty said that he has, and left it at that.  Alice decided to try one. “Alright, then ‘hard as a rock’ means exactly what it says, then.”  Humpty harumphed, “Of course it doesn’t, its a trick the CLICHEs are using to make you think that.  I should think that only rocks are as hard as rocks, and not anything else.  They are particularly clever, those CLICHEs.”  “What about ‘I’m going to sleep until the cows come home’?  That doesn’t make any sense at all.”  said Alice.  “Of course it doesn’t make any sense to you,” said Humpty, “you italicize things which should be CAPTIALIZED.”  He continued, “But when that CLICHE goes to work for you, he knows that he’ll be getting overtime because you can’t understand it.”  “But do you know what it means?”  asked Alice. “Of course I do, it means you’re dead of course.  Cows don’t have a home!  No respectable bank would mortgage to a cow!”

“Here’s another:” said Humpty, rollicking on his perch, “‘Handsome is as handsome does.’  The word handsome here has made quite a tidy profit, don’t you think?”

“Yes.” said Alice. “Well, handsome is one of those few words, along with four, which has managed to describe itself, eh?”  “I would assume so,”  agreed Alice.

“But here is a trick.  What about ‘in a pig’s eye’?”   “What is?”  asked Humpty.  “Pardon?”  said Alice.  “What is in a pig’s eye?”  “The c...LICHE is ‘in a pig’s eye.’”

said Alice.  “Well, I’m sure I should fire it if it’s going about unpleasant business like that!” raged Humpty.  So enraged was he, in fact, by this, that his rollicking and teetering sent him tumbling, head over heels, off of the wall and onto the ground, broken into many pieces.  And I’m sure we know what happened after that...