Jonah

When two lovers made a big choice in life that ultimately kills themselves on the inside.

I sit at the edge of my bed, head down, sobbing silently while holding my stomach. "Oh, Jonah," I cry, "we could be happy..." I reach for my phone and send a text to Liam that I need to see him. He replies straight away, Ok. I make my way to the living room, out to the garage, start my car, buckle up speed away. It is an hour drive, and when I arrive, Liam meets me at the parking lot.

He lives in the college apartment, and is in his final year. We have been together since pre-college, it will be about four years now. I tell him about my sadness again, I know he is sad too, but what else can we do? "This will be our sin and we will carry this with us forever," he told me before. I lit myself a cigarette, and he does the same. We talk and cry and talk and he sighs as I keep lighting more cigarette.

"That won't make things better, Meg."

"I love the baby," I ultimately say.

"What the hell!" He looks at me with wild eyes. "You told me it wasn't a baby yet!"

"It wasn't a baby, yet. But it was still our baby. My baby with someone I love most." I begin to cry. 

"Megan, you told me you didn't want the baby.”

"Because you said you weren't ready. Because you said you didn't want to disappoint your parents. I didn't want to trouble you so I agreed to abort it. But that night before I did it, I realised that I began to love it, but I took the pills anyway."

"Why now? Megan! Megan, what have we done," he pulls his hair as he tries to make sense of what I just said.

"Because I can't take it anymore... We could be happy, Liam. You, me and our baby. It could be twins!"

"Megan, what is wrong with you. I am sad too, but it's gone now. We have to move on."

"It's easy for you to say, but it grew in me! I felt it, the sickness, the pain when I gave it away. Give me another one, Liam!"

"You're crazy."

"Just give me a baby, and you don't have to marry me. I'll take care of it myself. Seeing it will be like seeing you. I'll be happy then."

"Are you even listening to what you're saying? Wake up, Megan. Don't let this holds you back from being happy now." When I do not give any respond than just puffing out smokes, he adds, "I shouldn't have text you again. That time, when we had our break. I should've ignored you. Look what happen now."

I know where this conversation is going. "No, Liam." He is ready to leave. "Don't go."

"If you keep behaving like this, I can't keep up with you. One day you're okay, and one day you just go completely out of your mind. You need to do something with yourself. You never listen to me."

"Liam..."

"Megan, go home. Spend time with your family. Talk to your mom. Help yourself. I'll do the same. I'll try to help myself too."

"Will I see you again?"

"No, I don't know. Not in the near time. Maybe years from now."

"What, no, Liam. I don't want to go home. My home is with you. You know that."

"I don't know, Megan. We know that we can't think right when we're with each other. If I don't go now, I might ask you to go home with me again. You know I can't resist you. So we cannot see each other again. This is my final year, I have to focus. You still have many years to go, live it and be happy. We will see each other again when we are more ready. Mentally. Spiritually. This is not the end, I promise you. No, I cannot promise you anything."

He is right. We are too obsessed with each other. We need space to think logically, not to be forever stuck in our made up dreams and fantasies. This is the real world. "Okay," I say.

He sighs. "Don't disappoint me again. Don't do anything stupid."

I smile. "I cannot promise you anything."

"God will help us. Take care of yourself." He stands up from the ground and takes my hand to get me up.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Good night."

"Good night."

He knows that if he walks away first, I will not be able to take the wheel and drive. He helps me to my car, lets me in, and watches me drive away. I don't remember exactly what I was doing after I left, through the drive home, I only remember crying, stop quite frequently to the side of the road because I cannot see the view clearly due to my tears.

Home is still a few minutes away, I get out of the car to the sound of the waves splashing the shore. I dial a number, but the phone isn't answered. I text a couple of friends, just to get at least a respond, to know that I'm still alive in the real world, not merely dreaming, although I would trade my life to make everything just to be happening in my long deep sleep.

My phone does not even beep, so I throw it in the car and take off my shoes. I walk in the sand, climbing over the huge rocks to face the vast ocean. I move my feet a few steps forward, and move a little more to the edge, until I can feel the icy splashes on my skin. The majestic blue ahead of me looks welcoming. I am tired. Of surviving. They say that drowning is the most beautiful way to kill yourself. It will take only a few minutes. And you will be free. "Jonah, I'm sorry. I hope you understand. We could be happy. You might have Liam's hazel eyes, wide grin, messy, lovely hair. You might be as brilliant, but not as crazy as we are. But you will be good, Jonah. We could be happy..."

One step,

two,

I hear a faint music. Is that the call to go? One more step. I hear a scream now. The music is still there. What the-

My eyes blink, what on earth? I climb down the rocks, run in the sands and reach my car. The door is still open, and on the passenger seat, my phone vibrates. 'Take One Last Breath' plays loudly as someone is calling me. I look at the screen, and cry.

"Hey."

"Hey," I say between sobs. "I'm still alive."

"Me too," I hear Liam sniffs at the other end of the line. "We need help, Meg."

"I know."

Author's Note

This is a tribute to Jonah, a wonderful little treasure that never get to see this world. I hope he will forgive our choice, and understand.

The names are fictional, except for Jonah. And this is my story.

Reviews

[AmandaFuller]

This is truly beautiful. I love your style of writing.