Couches

I am a broken branch

Sewed onto a poisonous manchineel

They say I was adopted

Not because my parents thought that maybe

Maybe I'd have a different

A better life

When I was still inside my mother

I became that one hated mistake

Part suicide cause

Part one night stand

Another part unwanted

Started being bullied in 5th grade

Had a life style made up of bruises and fake smiles

I lived like the words weren't making me die

And having separate classes from my peers didn't make me bleed

7th grade everyday a fight against suicides iron armor that was welded into my bones

A broken dam of jokes and complements

Then they branded me with a name

My named morphed into a derogatory term for flatulence

One part because it rhymed

Another part because the teacher encouraged it

75 percent because no one cared enough to stand up for me

I was on the brink of ending it all in grade 9

Because kids who could still go home to their parents and know what love is

Had the rotten guts to laugh at something so stupid

As if the scars of abuse are things that can be covered up with the naivety of a child 

To this day I am a shack

The nails rusted away and boards squeaky from neglect 

I could go into detail about every thought I suffered through 

Even though I had a hoard of friends who said who said I made them happier

I still am passed around on tongues like the dead dog that no one wants to bury 

No one can understand

Having only scars and no cuts has no more to do with strength 

But more to do with distraction 

I wasn't the only victim who suffered pain

To this day we are still whispered about

They don't try to hide it

It's the girl in the yellow shirt

The one who is mute

She's right in front of us

Every school day is built upon whispers

Every year that passes they get louder

If someone corners a kid

And everyone sees

Why won't they push them away?

Is that just becoming the lines in an abstract painting?

All people do is stroke and carve the lines until it breaks through the canvas

All the while chanting that words will never hurt you

Every bus ride was like a freak show

But you're the one behind the bars

The unfeeling girl

Go ahead and punch her

She won't blink

Her father was one of the carnies that never returned

She was an acrobat until she decided that the clowns looked like more fun

We became the freaks

The rare amazon people

Each taking their own prescription or double 

Invisible put in plain sight

Party games played in the closet so they don't wake anyone

In the darkness we spin our bottles

It never stops until someone leaves

And even then it lands on the empty hole in the circle

I just want to say that the person to the right can take their place

But they can't

All our wild dreams are nothing just like what we have turned out to be

Our visions for ourselves are blurry and cracked

We can't afford better glasses

We can't move forward just so we can see better

Time might not give us the means to fix our sight

Something died inside us that cut our rope to freedom

Everyone oils the end so you can't grab on

They say you can't make it

No amount of money can cure our diseased hearts

The death certificate will be signed by murdered love interests

They will sign never again

Because the actions they took pushed us to the edge

To the brink of destruction 

They were the one that someone picked first

For everything

I used to bring bald spots and skinned knees to the nurse everyday

She never asked how I got them

How can I know at age seven that bruises meant hate?

That every time I sat crying

Hiding behind the couch

Hoping a hand wouldn't reach down and pull me up my the hair

I had to believe that I would make it

But I almost didn't

Almost forced me to live behind the couch

I grew up fearing to be out in the open

Because if someone saw me I'd get hurt

I see myself crying in the mirror every night because I still am the same

I try to glare thoughts into myself that the names were just leaves

They fell from the trees and happened to get stuck in my knotted hair

I'm just a forgotten mistake

Invisible in the heart of whoever produced me

Maybe one day I'll get stuck

And when they cut them open they will remember me

If I graduate I'll get stuck

Because I made it

But the screaming whispers of names will haunt my every thought

The lie that words will never hurt me will echo

It always will

They say our life will drag us away from the bad thoughts 

We won't have to keep spinning the bottle

Or hiding behind couches

This has less to do with fear

But more to do with love

Reviews

[Neo]

There is so much in this poem that moved me, I don't even have the words.. It was so beautiful and raw. Thank you so much for sharing.