KNOW THY WOMAN

It’s Hell Week. All guys know what this is. For those unfortunate few it is PDP (pre during and post). It is five on the scale of one to five in its severity and duration. Nonetheless, this is the worst time of the month for any guy.  Shakespeare was wrong when he said Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. In reality, hell hath no fury like a woman with PMS. Especially the kind that borders on psychosis. This is more common than one would think.  If you were blessed with this type of woman there are things you need to know that may or may not help you to get through it. First you must recognize  that everything you say or do is wrong. You will be better off accepting this most basic truth from the outset.

Your patience and perseverance will be tested. Out of the blue she will bring something up you did that pissed her off in the past that she’s been sitting on until now. You will be caught by surprise and  ill-prepared for handling this situation. It is imperative that you try to remember what it was and not act like you don’t know what she’s talking about. Do not apologize unless you know what you are apologizing for. There is nothing more infuriating to a woman than a man who apologizes to shut her up and doesn’t know what he’s sorry for. She senses these things. Beware of their acute Spider-Senses. Nothing escapes them. Men who have a good memory and implore their forgiveness earnestly will escape the wrath she hopes to unleash.  Men who insist they’ve done nothing wrong will rue their self-righteousness. A man's insensitivity will have given them reason to give full vent to their rage. Unless you have an attachment to pain and suffering you better suck it up and admit an infraction no matter how trivial it may seem.

You will notice that she is edgy. She gets snippy and irritable. You might even say she’s being a b***h. Expect it. This is the time to walk on eggshells. Yes, dear should be your mantra. For some reason this assuages them. You’ve unwittingly disabled them temporarily from pursuing an argument. It’s a mystery that these two simple words can prevent war. These women are looking for a fight and  will trap you into one. Do not take the bait.  Do not get defensive.  This will only provoke her. Do not engage. There should be no trace of annoyance in your tone. They will see this as a provocation and seize this as the moment they’ve all been waiting for.

It would behoove you to go to your happy place. Invoke better times you’ve shared with her. Remember that she’s the best lay you’ve ever had. Remember the moment you first laid eyes on her and was overcome with longing and desire. Do not bother to tell her she’s beautiful. That means nothing to her. She will think that you are patronizing her. However, you may tell her how much prettier she is than anyone in your past and how much hotter and sexier she is. Tell her she’s the cleanest and sweetest you’ve ever tasted. Tell her she’s a goddess in bed and has the softest skin than anyone you’ve ever known. No one can touch her.  You’ll  have to supply names and dates and reasons.

It is crucial to know ahead of time that the hotter they are, the more lethal their PMS will be.  Unfortunately men don’t take this seriously when falling in love with a woman they find  irresistibly attractive. They don't know their life will change drastically. They think that because they’ve been with other women they are experienced enough to deal with it. They are under the impression that they are equipped to handle the situation. They are mistaken. Men are never equipped to handle the situation, especially when they are faced with PDP. Therefore, as in war, one must be prepared. You are facing psychological warfare with a Super-psycho woman.  

Beware of mood swings because they are erratic and unpredictable. Treat any forms of love and affection as the calm before the storm. Brace yourself. Hold your breath because before your lips have cooled from her kiss she will have switched personalities and everything you say will have a negative implication and be held against you. Anything you do will only irritate her. The loving person she was two minutes ago has left the building.

She will cry inconsolably making you feel helpless. Telling her that you love her won’t make a difference. Crying will desist  and the most inocuous things will set her off.  Make sure there are no clothes or wet towels on the floor, the toilet seat is down, your feet are scrubbed and the rubbish is taken out.  And don’t pick at or bite anything on your person.

When you feel like she has broken your spirit, she will want to have sex with you. PDP sex is what makes everything worth it. Take advantage of this liberty, knowing you'll just be the c**k. This means that it is all about her and you better live up to the expectation. You'll have to invoke what little  sexual prowess you may possess in order the satisfy her. Her vehemence will turn her into a different woman. You’ll think your fantasies have come true. Whatever you do, do not finish before she does. The carnage that will ensue will make eternal damnation more preferable to what you’re about to face. To put it simply there is just no fixing it. PDP sex rage knows no bounds.  

To avoid this, you will need to use the Force to contain yourself at the start.  If you’re lucky she may just beat the crap out of you until it gets out of her system. However, the woman with PDP will not let this go. Ever. No amount of imploring will get you the forgiveness you so badly desire.  She will emasculate you and make you feel so guilty you won’t even be able to look at her. You will be afraid to touch her ever again.  You won't know if you should walk out or stay there and take it. Risk making it worse by walking away and leaving the room so she can cool off.  But come back in seven minutes and implore her forgiveness then. She’ll have calmed down and be happy that you’re not the pissed one.

But when you think about it you will realize that you brought it on yourself by having been a little selfish. You could have held on even if meant taking a break. And by break I mean continuing to pleasure her without pause. You know what to do. That would have made you look like a generous lover.  She might even have been nice to you after. But once you pass the point of no return it’s over. It’s futile to tell her you couldn’t control yourself because she’s so f*****g hot. Or that you're just a man after all. There is no excuse for such treachery. It’s unforgivable. You will wear this albatross around your neck for the rest of your life. I can’t even tell you how to rectify this. You’re on your own.

If at any time you crave reprieve surprise her with flowers. It’s the little things. Make sure she gets chocolate cake when she wants it. Woo her with poetry that’s about her. Comb her hair. Find a way to make her laugh (but not when she’s pissed off. That will only piss her off even more). Do it when she’s crying. There will be plenty of crying so you will have to employ shrewd wit to succeed each time. She will refuse to be held or consoled when she’s depressed. Make yourself scarce but close enough that she knows you’re there. They don’t really want to be left alone even if they seem otherwise. Know this. They want to be close to you but their hormones deceive them and prevent them against their will. They even wonder to themselves why they get so pissed off about little things. Don’t question their love for you because they love you with all their heart or they wouldn’t be with you. And they’ll love you even more for suffering them when they’re like this and handling them the right way. They know.  They will make it up to you and you will fall in love with them all over again.

Reviews

[S. D. Forogar]

This was just incredibly and eloquently written haha! I found it reads like a manual, but with enough humor to entertain even those least inclined to reading. Yet, I get ahead of myself. Here are the Good and the Bad!

The GOOD: Namely, the comedic realism to the piece. Perhaps I won't receive the best praise for that comment, but I feel that the author (if not intentionally, still) created a story that she / he was satisfied with, with the effect of also providing a laugh to her / his audience. This piece is reminiscent of many online "joke manuals" of like manner that crop up on social media sites like Facebook. Regardless, I found it funny because of the truth behind it as well as the terminology used throughout.

As well, the vocabulary used is quite impressive, and only furthers the goodness of the piece.

The BAD: Interestingly, I have almost nothing to say in this segment. This story accomplished its intended purpose, providing an entertaining look into what some might consider a "painful truth" while still lightening the situation and (to some unlucky few) giving an informative "checklist," of sorts, to avoid 'damnation.' There are some misspellings and grammatical errors, but these errors are redundant except as per a "nit-pick," which isn't my area of practice. I will point them out upon request, but altogether they're so infrequent that such material is nearly irrelevant.

I would recommend this piece for the above reasons as a casual read, or a guideline for like pieces.

[Gypsy Warrior Queen]

If he only knew....Those words fell from my lips too many times over that span of my hormonal ping pong tournaments. They should really teach this stuff to boys in high school health class. Life would be so much more ......if they only knew:)