Toast at 7-Eleven. A play in One Act

A Stage Play by Mia Sparrow

Toast at 7-Eleven. A Play in One Act.

8 pm on a Saturday night at 7-Eleven. A Priest dressed in all black. A Rabbi dressed in all gray. College student wearing an NYU sweatshirt. Goth girl.

A Priest walks into a 7-eleven and goes to the cooler looking at the wine. Two minutes later a Rabbi walks in and goes to the cooler also looking at the wine.

Rabbi

Well, if it isn’t Enzo Mulignan.

Priest

Benjamin Schwarz. Driving on Shabbat? Crusin the ave.? And to a 7-Eleven three towns from Passaic Park, no less. Either you’re on your way to Satin Dolls or you’re craving a nice plump hot dog .

Rabbi

What, my balls you are busting? And you, Father, isn’t Mass over at 6:30 on a Saturday night? What brings you here all the way from the only Cathedral in New Jersey? A chaser for the Cabernet?

Priest

I have to replace the two bottles that go missing after Mass on Saturdays. One of your yentas happens to play bingo Thursday nights and caught wind of it and brought it to my attention. We suspect it is the Castrati.

Rabbi

Barbaric. Nine years old they butcher them. I thought that was discontinued when they stopped saying Mass in Latin. How traumatic for the youths. What parents allow that to happen to their child? We do it on the eighth day of a baby’s life to save the boy from a lifetime of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s the humane thing to do.

Priest.

I couldn’t agree with you more, Ben. The New Archbishop of the Archdiocese of Newark is a conservative fundamentalist and is adamant about preserving the old traditions. Incidentally, there are countries where boys get circumcised right around the age of puberty to this very day, you know.

Rabbi

Third world countries, I believe.

Priest

Thank goodness they passed the law allowing convenient stores to sell alcohol, though I doubt you’ll find any kosher wine here.

Rabbi

You’re probably right. But just between us, I am here to get a fifth of whiskey to take the edge off. Luckily, the family is in the Borscht Circuit visiting with my in-laws.

Priest

What’s the matter, Ben? You seemed distressed.

Rabbi

Well, Padre, attendance has dropped dramatically to an all time low. Moils are going out of business. It’s these women. They want to work instead of have babies. Oy, farkuckt. How about you?

Priest

We’re doing great. I’ve had seven Baptisms just this month alone. Mostly Catholic school girls. You know how it is with them.

Rabbi

At least they are fruitful and multiplying. Albeit at such a young age. Any weddings?

Priest

Of course not. Hey, why don’t you have bingo in the basement of your synagogue?

Rabbi

Too Catholic.

Priest

How about a Mah-jongg club for the yentas.

Rabbi

That’s not bad, Enzo.

Priest

Since we’re here why don’t we get a Slurpee. My treat, Ben.

Rabbi

That sounds great.

(They get their Slurpees and go out to the parking lot. They go to the priest’s Cadillac to drink their Slurpees and hang out.)

Priest

Well. I’ve lost another one from the fold to you and your Temple. The girl left a perfectly good plumber in the Union to a Semitic plastic surgeon from your congregation.

Rabbi

I know. I married them. Lovely girl. Isn’t she a teacher at St. Matthews?

Priest

Ironically, yes. Her father is a renowned butcher in the Ironbound section of Newark. No one ever converts to Catholicism. And we get to eat pork.

Rabbi

Lucky Gentiles.

Priest

I can’t believe a person could just give up pork like that. I don’t think I could do it. What is Easter without a spiral ham?

Rabbi

This coming from a celibate man, you’d think pork would be the least of your problems.

Priest

I went from an all-male college straight to the Seminary. In La Cosa Nostra it is necessary to have a priest in the family. For absolution, you understand. As a matter of fact, my brother, Rocco, became a criminal defense lawyer. Confidentiality, and all that.

Rabbi

All the bases you people got covered, don’t you? You got Confession, Absolution,

Defense and Confidentiality. Maybe I should defect to your faith.

Priest

Just say the word, Ben. There’s a place for everyone. The family does not discriminate. And anyway, we have Christmas.

Rabbi

That’s always been a difficult time for my people and our children. These days, they would trade one Christmas gift to eight days of Hanukkah giving.

College student

(approaches holding an unlit cigarette)

Excuse me, do you have a light?

Priest

Yes, I do. (He takes a cigarette out for himself.)

College student

You’re Father Mulignan from Holy Stigmata, right?

Priest

Yes, I am. Are we acquainted, my son?

College Student

I went there from kindergarten to 8th grade. You might remember me. I got the paddle at least once or twice by you. I got caught smoking in the bathroom a couple times and I put tacks on Miss Babcock’s chair. You know. The usual pranks.

Priest

Was that you? We never did find out who put the tacks on her chair. She had to go to the hospital after that.

College student

Why did she have to go to the hospital? It wasn’t shards of glass.

Priest

She had a nervous breakdown after your class graduated. You sound like you’re confessing sins. Don’t you feel unburdened?

College student

I’m a Nihilist. What is sin if not a concept fabricated by self-righteous mortal men like yourself? Morals are overrated and misused. It’s all nugatory.

(Priest and Rabbi both gasp simultaneously and grab hold of the Caddy).

Rabbi

What did you say?

College student

I said I’m a Nihilist.

Rabbi

That’s meshuggah.

College student

Are you a Rabbi?

Rabbi

Yes, I am.

College student

What is this, a joke?

Rabbi

Sorry?

College student

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a 7-eleven…This is out of control, man. Even for me.

Priest

I fail to see the humor in that.

Rabbi

What is this about being a Nihilist? It must be you who are joking?

College student

I was force-fed Catholicism for twelve years of my life. All that did was give me a Guilt-complex that still haunts me. Then I went to college. One day I read Waiting for Godot, and it changed my life. It dawned on me. What is the point of all this? Where is this all going? Life is just an absurd play where nothing happens, no one ever comes and no one goes anywhere. Even existence is a questionable affair. For all we know, this could be some schmuck’s dream, who wears a patch to help him quit smoking. In the grand scheme of things, reality is only a matter of one’s own perception.

Rabbi

Oi g’vald! The blasphemy! What do you believe in?

College student

I believe in nothing. Everything is arbitrary. We decide the course of our lives, and where we end up is where we’ve brought ourselves.

Priest

God has a plan for everyone. Even you, child.

College student

Oh, he had a plan, alright. A Priest, a Rabbi and a Nihilist walk into a 7-Eleven. Whoever it is just made my night. You mind if we take a couple selfies with you two holding your Slurpees? Too bad you’re not wearing the collar, Father. And aren’t you supposed to be wearing a yarmulke?

Priest

Why do you want to take pictures?

College student

Oh, come on. This is classic. We’ve got to have a memento. No one will ever believe it. What are the chances of me running into the priest who used to beat me as a child hanging out with a Rabbi at 7-Eleven?

Priest

I suppose it’s the least I could do to make amends. God works in mysterious ways. Benjamin, let us indulge the boy.

Rabbi

Ech! Evidence he wants. As if going to 7-Eleven to buy whiskey is a crime.

(A Goth girl approaches.)

College student.

Hey, can you do me a favor and take a couple pictures of us?

Goth girl

Sure. (takes pictures)

College student

You’re not going to believe this.

Goth girl

What?

College student

This guy’s a Priest, and this one is a Rabbi.

Goth girl

Is this a joke? Where’s the Minister? Is he inside getting a Big Gulp?

(both start laughing.)

Goth girl

This is so surreal. I feel like I just walked into an alternate universe where this is an actual phenomenon.

Priest

Marrone a mi! Why does everyone keep asking if this is a joke?

Rabbi

Do you worship the devil? You look like a succubus straight out of the Apocrypha.

Goth girl

I am a nonconformist Jew. Luckily, my parents raised me to value individuality and to follow my passions. Organized religion is just a bunch of propaganda and brainwashing. Unfortunately my alteh kaka uncle is over so I have to get some Manischewitz for Kiddush. What are you doing out and about, Rabbi? Shouldn’t you be sitting at home in the dark?

Rabbi

I’m on my nightly constitution.

Goth girl

In downtown Paterson?

Rabbi

Your family must be waiting on you for the wine.

Goth girl

We have a late supper.

College student

Hey, hey. Shalom...Peace be with you….remember? Why don’t I go inside and get some Concord Grape so we can all have a shot of kosher wine? You know, as a peace offering?

(Priest and Rabbi look at each other with timid complicity.)

Rabbi

Well, Shabbat is also a day for hospitality, afterall.

Priest

It is the Golden Rule to love our neighbors, afterall.

College student

Great! You guys can’t leave here without having a drink together. It would ruin everything.

Priest

What would get ruined?

College student

This freakish anomaly. (walks into store with Goth girl.)

Rabbi

I guess there is some sense to what they both say. It must be liberating to be free-thinkers.

Priest

Ben, think about it. There’s no doubt we are a bunch of brainwashers. We want to expunge anything that makes people human and fill their heads with dogma. Basta! This is 7-Eleven for Christmassakes, not Seminary or Yeshiva.

Rabbi

You’re right, Enzo. You know, I have a little secret I’ve been keeping that I never told anyone before. And since you’re a priest and give absolution, I feel compelled to divulge this digression.

Priest

I’m honored, Ben. Don’t worry, it’s not for me to judge. What is it?

Rabbi

I ate pork once. In a moment of weakness I drove across state lines to Philadelphia and went to a diner. I had the meat lover’s breakfast special, which they serve all day. I had non-kosher scrambled eggs with bacon, sausage and taylor ham. I still believe this was a sin worth committing.

Priest

Is that all? You should hear the things I give absolution for. Half of them are Gumbas who come to Confession straight from the marshes. Relatives on my mother’s side. For your penance I want you to come to my cousin’s restaurant Sunday. They are known for their braggiole.

Rabbi

I can do that. My wife doesn’t come home until next Tuesday. There are no Castrati, are there?

Priest

Of course not. It’s Geriatric Jerome, the guy who dispenses the wine to the congregants. He used to be a recovering alcoholic.

Rabbi

Thank goodness there are no Castrati.

Priest

We perform castrations but not on young boys. Let’s say, we have moils of our own. Forget about it! Look, we haven’t seen each other in a long time. We are celebrating a momentous reunion. We made new friends. Even if it is with a Nihilist and a Hebraic shiksa. It still deserves a toast. It’s not like we’re at a bar.

(The college student and Goth girl come out with Slurpee cups and a bottle of the Manischewitz. He pours it into the cups then passes them around.)

College student

At least we all agree a toast is in order. Would you like to do the honors, Devorah?

Goth girl

To happiness and open-mindedness. May our afterlives be one eternal orgasm.

Rabbi

L’Chayyam!

Priest

Salut!

College student

Mabuhay!

(all clink glasses and stage slowly fades to darkness.)