BEFORE

Im not talking about me now

but me years ago

i felt conscious of every consonant vowel or even movement from my lips

my actions felt like they were seen by everyone else

i felt judgemnt and eyes everywhere

nowadays i dont care

i dont care what people think of me anymore but sometimes that sinking feeling 

of disapproval consumes my world

little by little, my posture changes

i hunch over and i avoid every gaze i avert my eyes and if im standing

i feel conscious of the way im standing

 how do people stand , normally

is this how im supposed to smile or do i loom really weird

i cared too much and i hope i never experience that so often again

my social anxiety was fueled by my lack of confidence in myself which was fueled by how i hardly accepted my identity

i used to avoid talking about cultural traditions because i was too scared of judgement

now, i accept what i know about myself

i felt ashamed about my culture and the stereotypes associated with my culture 

and i never embraced or saw the true beauty of my culture and heritage

i never talked about anyone or anything if i could help it i stuck close to my friends

but even then

id accepted so little of myself i couldnt open up or talk about anything

i felt fear whenever i talked to anyone

and this little part of me wanted the people around me to like me so much

i would accept anything and vevrything

andi felt lonely, i kept every feeling every thought unaddressed to myself let alone anyone else

i felt trapped suffocated

my social anxiety was driven by my fear of my own culture and heritage my won identity 

i feel like those feelings were so unnecessaery now 

but i know how unrelentlessly cruel and real they felt back then

social anxiety is scary but even more scary when you feel such a lack of confidence and insecure abourt every element of your own identity

i used to stay so quiet that people would look at me andask if i was alright all the time

ofcourse i wasnt i was drowning in self loathing

social anxiety never leaves but the more you understand and accepr yourself the more confident you feel

the less you care about others

the more you become like a passionate drama queen like i sort of am now

i discovered parts of myself my personality i didnt know existed before

i didnt know i could feel so happy and excited about anything

until i fully embraced my insecurities and aspects of my own identity

that is why im pretty sure i dont even have social awareness anymore 

i accept my identity