ITV - imbecilic/tedious/vacuous

Four new shows strike four new blows to the intelligence and hearts of men,

my ITV foes know exactly what goes - on again and again and again.

We normally bleat at the scale of repeats - and right - but these programmes are new,

so get in your pyjamas because more police dramas are coming to a screen near you.

You must know the ropes, it's more docu-soaps and a deluge of reality TV

with third rate presenters, talented as placentas, all shouting 'oh please look at me'.

They look at their ratings and newspaper slatings and ask what they're all gammy for,

but this is the station who, without hesitation, bombarded us with Barrymore.

From Land's end to Dover, you can only make over a finite number of houses

and big fat old Julie, who always looks poorly, won't change when she puts on new trousers.

I don't give a feck about Ant and or Dec, I just wish they were both off our screens,

I'd drive a big tractor through the set of X-factor and tell them what real music means.

I'd force all the soap stars to smoke f*****g soap bars so none of them turned up for work

and tell Jeremy Kyle that he's completely vile and wipe off that smug, cheesy smirk.

Does anyone care or still watch 'Millionaire' or the spin offs of Inspector Morse?

The price may be right but the programme's still shite, why continue to flog a dead horse?

They gave Sharon Osbourne a big shiny platform and treat her as if she's a star;

if it wasn't for surgery, living off Ozzy's bursary, I doubt that she would have got far.

They make people 'famous' then act like they're blameless when they're foisted on us every day;

those who get in the papers with uninteresting capers and always have f**k all to say.

Pretending they're caring they cut out the swearing, saving us from things that could pervert

our commercial morals, so we'll rest on our laurels, while they show us annoying adverts;

which are the whole reason that, season by season, they make any programmes at all -

'dramas', blank autocues and their thrice daily news, the screen might as well be a brick wall.