Valkyrie

A squad consisting of Valkyrie special forces is sent behind enemy lines to scout and attack an enemy encampment, only they find something much more valuable...

The squad of Valkyries moved quickly and silently. The forest and the darkness of the night provided plenty of cover to hide behind. So advancing without being seen was not a concern. “Hold.” Hail the squad’s leader whispered over his intercom. Four blue acknowledgement lights winked at him from his heads up display. He set his helmet cam to thermal and surveyed the enemy encampment from a high ridge. “1337 Actual come in over.” He whispered while still surveying his enemies. “Go ahead 1337.” “They have approximately one hundred and twenty men, two attack helicopters, several light vehicles, and plenty of weapons.” “Stand by,” Hail heard over his intercom, “Your primary goal is to disable the two enemy aircraft, secondary is to cause as much damage to infantry and vehicles as possible.” “Roger that, Squad 1337 over and out.” Hail motioned for Kozlove to advance. “Disable the two chopper then proceed to damage light vehicles, wait for my order and don’t miss.” Kozlove smirked, “I won’t.”  Kozlove mounted his suppressed .30 cal. shell sniper rifle on the ridge. He loaded two incendiary bullets in a special magazine and slid the bolt into place. Hail saw one blue acknowledgement light wink at him. “Kasumi and Rei take positions along the ridge line,” Hail began, “deploy the mortar, and when Kozlove fires two rounds start raining hell on them.” Two acknowledgement lights winked blue on his H.U.D. “Reika set up motion sensors behind us, and watch the rear.” A single acknowledgement light winked at him. Hail Loaded his adaptive assault rifle’s grenade launcher and said, “Commence operation.” One bullet quietly exited the snipers barrel. “BOOM!!!” Kozlove hit the helicopters gas tank. Alarms sounded and the enemy forces scrambled to locate the Valkyries. “BOOM!!!” a second giant fire ball lit up the air where the enemy aircraft had been, Kozlove proceeded to quickly load amour piercing rounds and fire on any light vehicle he could find. Kasumi and Rei fired a shell from squad mortar, the explosive found its way to some unlucky soldier’s tent. Hail observed silently rifle at the ready. “I’ve got movement.” Reika whispered over the intercom. Hail gave orders for the mortar and sniper to keep firing as he headed to Reika’s position. He found Reika looking down the sights of her rifle. He tapped her on the shoulder when he reached her. “How many?” He asked , “Six their running straight for us.” “Dig in find cover, when I fire join in.” Hail ran a few feet from Reika’s position and took cover behind a tree. He aimed down the sights of his rifle, waiting for his enemy to appear. “Move your a*s!” He heard some one yell. A moment later he saw six contacts. Four were armed, two were in chains. “Hit the armed ones.” Hail whispered through his helmets mike. Hail took aim and blew a hole through one of the armed men’s head. He quickly took out two others, and Reika took the last armed guard. Hail moved up on the two unarmed contacts, his rifle pointed at them. “Speak quick or be prepared to die.” He said loud enough for them to hear him ten feet away. A man stepped forward and said “I am Shell defense secretary Light, and this is Guardian Yuri.” Hail looked at the woman standing next to him. Reika quickly moved up and patted the pair down, and then looked at their faces. “They are who they say they are.” “Remove their chains.” Hail said as he lowered his rifle. “We are Valkyrie squad 1337, how did you end up with only six guards ?” He knew the defense secretary had been kidnapped three months ago from Shell, but it seemed wrong that such a high value target was being escorted so lightly. “There were originally sixty of them escorting me,” Light said as Reika cut through his chains, “Yuri’s guardian platoon moved to intercept them. Yuri’s platoon lost the battle and she was captured in the end, those men you killed were the remaining enemies. “Yuri can you shoot?” Hail asked the woman quickly. “Yes.” Her voice sounded back. Hail upholstered his .42 caliber Fox pistols from his leg. “You see anymore of them shoot them dead.” He said as he handed her the pistol. “Reika hold this position kill anymore contacts that you see, unless you believe they are on our side.” “Roger” She said a second later. “Light your with me, lets move.” Light silently obeyed Hail’s order not wanting to be recaptured. “Kozlov what’s the situation?” Hail asked over his intercom as he approached their position. “There moving up on us, we have about two minutes before they reach us.” “1337 Actual come in.” Hail said over his radio. “Roger go ahead.” “We’ve picked up two friendly personal, including a high value target, and an enemy force right on us, we need evac over.” “Stand by,” Hail waited impatiently as bullets whizzed passed him. He had Light lay on his stomach and started picking off approaching enemy’s climbing up to him with is rifle, “Proceed three hundred meters to your rear, when you reach the clearing hold you position, a chopper has been sent. ETA ten minutes. “Everyone pack up move to Reika’s position and protect Light. I’ll put down heavy fire on them, once we’re ready to move we’re pulling out.” Four blue lights quickly flashed after Hail gave his orders. He switch his rifle to automatic, and started to put down as many targets as he could. Forty-Five seconds passed before Kozlov tapped Hail on his shoulder. Letting him know they were ready. “BOOM!!!” A grenade exploded ten feet away from Hail, knocking him to the ground. Kozlov screamed “They have mortars!” Hail quickly recovered ran over to where Kozlov and fallen and dragged him with one hand. While using the other to fire at enemies that were climbing over the ridge. “Everyone move south, stop when you reach the clearing!” Hail yelled over his mike. Kozlove pulled out his side arm, “Run I got this.” He aimed down the sights of his black forty-five caliber pistol and fired a round at an enemy. The man dropped dead, “You’ve got ten rounds, make them count.” Hail turned, let his rifle hang from his side, and ran like there was no tomorrow. “One, two, three.” He counted in his head. He could hear the enemies war cry, they were only a couple dozen feet behind. Astoundingly, He reached the evac point in three and a half minutes. He met up with his team behind a thick tree line. “1337 Actual come in!” He shouted over his radio. “We read you loud and clear.” “We have wounded we’re low on ammunition and we have a huge enemy force right on us! We need support over!” “Roger that.” Came a quick response. “Choppers eta is two minutes, you have three Lotus Missiles at your command.” “Roger that.” Hail turned to face his team, despite the bullets flying past him. “We need two minutes, everyone hold them back! When the chopper touches down haul your a*s over and get on!” His team moved to form a twenty foot wall. One Valkyrie every five feet plus Yuri, Hail looked at his GPS on his wrist and saw three missile shaped icons  in the bottom left corner. He tapped them and a camera feed mounted on one of the missiles appeared along with a thermal view of his position and a button the said in bold letters FIRE. He pressed it and he heard the missile fire from above his head. “Missile inbound!” He yelled to his team. A moment later a sixteen plus enemy soldiers were blasted into pieces. Along with a ball of fire that consumed several others. Hail could hear the chopper over his head. He quickly fired another missile with the same deadly results. “S1337 prepare for evac.” The aircrafts pilot said over his radio. “Smoke go in out!” Hail yelled. He squad was performing excellently. Killing a number of the enemies before the smoke blinded there line of sight. His team ran for the chopper. Hail was furiously dragging Kozlov body over the ground. Finally he threw him in the chopper and jumped in. The entire time all three of the choppers miniguns were firing non-stop. “ROCKET!” Reika screamed. A moment later flares erupted from the chopper still on the ground. Hail took aim and fired his last missile. The ground shook as it exploded thirty feet from the aircraft. The chopper quickly flew into the air several hundred feet above ground just after the explosion. As a parting shot, he took aim with his rifle at a group of angry looking group of insurgents and fired his grenade launcher. The only thing left of them were several body parts. “We got Tango’s on the ground! Man the minigun put fire on them!” the pilot yelled over the com as the aircraft took a bullet. 

Author's Note

I know this needs work, criticism is welcome ouo;

Reviews

[Limmy42]

Just advise, not trying to rude or anything but be careful of block writing. It makes it a thousand times easier to read and nicer to look at if you use paragraph spacing. People are more likely to look at it and not bother if it's one big block of scary text. It's also easier to edit with the paragraph spaces.

One thing I noticed you doing repeatedly was not using commas where they should have been. for instances I quote here an early part of the story; "Hail observed silently rifle at the ready." When I read this I couldn't work out what "observed silently rifle" meant but I realized what you meant was that he Observed silently WITH HIS rifle at the ready or "Hail observed silently, rifle at the ready." one comma makes all the difference. There is the same mistake a couple times in the story but another thing I noticed was that it was all a bit rushed. For instances I don't know what a Valkyrie is (well I know what it actually is but not the one in the story), with the thermal optics I thought it was a powered armour suit but I'm not sure, you should take time to explain that. Also more time should be taken to explain how Hail gets from the ridge where he is sniping to the encampment, it seemed a bit rushed and disjointed. One moment he was on the ridge, the next he was down the bottom shooting people. All just suggestions of course but I believe it would improve the quality by a large amount.

That said I would appreciate if you read my own work I have, it's a military story set in modern times with lots of research into weapons, vehicles, places and people. I would appreciate it if you did.

I would have given it a higher score had those issues previously mentioned been addressed before hand but hopefully you can learn and make a better story next time or simply edit this one. Good luck.