The outside?

The outside?

She was a rich girl never knew a broken home

She got all she desired, well he never got a damn thing

He brought himself up on his own

No-one took the time to think of him

In truth how he survived made him strong

Made him realize what matters is inside

He learn to know what is wrong

Ever since his parents died

 BUT her daddy taught her, looks and money is all you'll need..

She never kept an opinion, she never cared for any

Her daddy taught her the ways of greed

Yeah she grew up with plenty

But on the inside who will survive...

life on it's cruel side?

Will she feel the deprived

Will she stay alive?

Will he be strong ?

Will he fight for those...

who don't know what is wrong

Will he help those around him compose?

Will their path's cross 

Will they put there differences aside 

Will she realize the life she lives will cause loss

Will he tell her that her dad lied

Will she learn the truth about whats outside...  her world?

Reviews

[Christopher Robin]

Started off brilliantly and fell away rather sharply.

The correct spelling is 'abide' which means 'obey'. The context you've used it in would require you to say 'she will have to abide by?' as it cannot be used on its own in this sentence.
Secondly the line
'Will he fight for those?...'
The syntax of '?...' is way off and takes all sense away from this and the latter line being joined together.

Needs a quick revision,
makes a decent come back in the end but we are left with a confused sense as to the poem's true purpose, is this about beauty, about love life and loss, or about choices, or a specific couple in particular? The poem gives no one thing to truly cling on to and garner overall meaning from.
It is still nicely penned, however confusing.

-Robin

[micky]

Thank you Robin!!! I will edit it soon. I really appreciate all your help :]

[Christopher Robin]

I've had a look over the re edit, you have certainly addressed the problems I laid out in the first critique, however this edit has created a few new ones.
In terms of syntax the entire thing needs a look over in where a question mark should go and why.
Basically every time you ask a question in this piece, it needs a question mark on the end before you start your next sentence.

For your final stanza, it's 'paths' not 'path's'
Also it's 'their' and not 'there' for 'their differences aside'.

Aside from that this is a much improved version, well done!

[Ashira Macy]

I certainly hope she will, because otherwise that is a sad, meaningless exsistence she has. The beginning of this reminded me a bit of "Sk8er Boi" by Avril Lavigne (which is a compliment, I loved her earlier stuff.) Nice work!

[micky]

you so much Ashira :p

[Rene Salinas]

Lately you seem to be on a journey of discovery Micky. The intensity of the sujects seems to take you and allow you to form opinions. In this case about how we form images about others and how those images influence what we see and at times who we are. The fragile scales of what we have on the inside and how it gets reflected on the outside. Interesting you help yourself to lay some questions as it adds intensiy to the writing. To end you clearly offered those who are in doubt your take.

There will always be those whos rules are to be shallow.

Thankyou

[micky]

Thank you so much Rene ;p

[Lauriegirl]

This is so beautifully written. keep up the nice work.

[micky]

Thank you Laurie

[Destined for Boring]

This is a beautiful poem.

If the tables were turned.. would it be the same way?

[micky]

Thank you so much for the review and to answer you question...Probably men can be as egotistical as women :p