I grew up not telling my problems to anyone. They knew me as a lively, funny, happy and cheerful laddie. Every time someone shares their problems with me, I always listen. I know how hard it is to express your uncertainty and worries to others. It means that they have a deep sense of faith and desire to be understood. That's courage and bravery, and I don't have that.
Every night, I cry myself to sleep. My family never noticed my despair. Although I wanted to hurt myself physically, I'd rather not to eat when they're not around. My agony remains unseen, and I got used to it. It's better to keep it a secret than to make them worried. I wanted to tell them because I've been keeping it for so long, and it feels so heavy, but I just don't feel safe when I ponder speaking or venting out my problems with people. I kept quiet.
I started taking midnight baths since I was 11. It helps me to unburden myself and feel at peace. I often sleep in the tub, being near water, especially when my whole body is in it, just makes me feel at ease. Just in time to take a midnight bath, I went to the bathroom to bath myself in the tub. I had to plunge my head and my entire body underwater.
I feel asleep and found myself under the deep depths of the ocean. I felt safe, secure and free but soon I began to lose oxygen... I tried to scream; I'm drowning! I couldn't hold my breath much longer... I screamed loudly for help then suddenly... I woke up and found myself fainting unconscious under the water. I stood up in the tub and cried; afraid I was going to die. It made me realize that I needed to let go of the burden I've been carrying out since I was a child, but I was consoled by the water. It was never a dream; it was the reality. The reality that I tried to scream and asked for help, but I was underwater.
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