To think

Just thoughts...

Never considered myself to be intelligent, though not being able to understand and apply simple concepts makes me aware of what I have been taken for granted. To forget words and how to use them in a sentence and misread basic texts is a handicap in the academic world. If I don’t recover my memory, my ability to comprehend, what will my future bring? All those years studying won’t matter, as my experiences and lessons are lost to me. My cognition is severely compromised; my memory and my ability to maintain an overall perspective of different areas are at 50%. My ability to comprehend new theories is limited to understanding these only within the frame they are presented, to apply to a different situation is difficult for me. I feel like a child who has to physically explore whether a triangle fits into a hole that is circular to confirm that it doesn’t. My words that I speak do not match what I wish to express. The number that looks like this: 97, I cannot remember what it sounds like �" I know that it is not correct, but I keep saying seventy nine. I don’t remember the sound of the word. I don’t know what my future will look like. I chose a path were my brain’s functioning is vital, and now its functions are limited. If I think about theoretical concepts for a few hours, I will be shattered the next day. My speech will be incomprehensive and confused. I don’t want people to see me this way. I am tired all the time, yet I cannot sleep. I try to hide my condition and stay away from people when it is impossible to hide. I survive, but do not live. Struggling against my mind, telling myself that I need to trust my reason and not my feelings. However, when you cannot trust your feelings, your gut, how can you trust anything?  

I try to fight my instincts, when my body wishes to enact certain patterns to make my mind and body feel at ease. Sometimes I manage. Other times I spend hours fighting and loosing to the urge of categorizing, repeating or checking everything. I can see myself from the outside, acting like a crazy person (and I guess I am) unable to stop. The control that I so anxiously try to obtain through these actions are the very thing that causes me to be out of control.