Van Damme It All

I’d like to be so successful

That when I’m a has-been

I can wring some money out of

Over-hyped cameos and poignant films

Sent straight to the realm of DVD

Like the zeitgeists of the 80’s

Who backed up Regan’s every word

With glistening pectoral muscles

And an endless supply of lead.

Now they’ve all grown old

And would be fat shadows of themselves

If their diet of steroids and HGH

Didn’t give them physiques

That might have well as been molded

By the stiff fingers of Michelangelo.

John Wayne defined what it meant to be the American Hero

In order for an Austrian, Italian, and a Belgium

To pick up where he left off

When they should have been setting up punchlines

About walking into bars.

Andy said we’d all be famous for fifteen minutes

But these a-holes keep hogging the spotlight

So my time is probably going to be the thirty seconds

I’ll get when someone posts a video of me

Falling down the stairs

And snapping my neck on YouTube

Only to be surpassed the next day

When someone uploads a clip

Of one of the old farts

Popping a boner on Latin television.