Uncharted

Hey guys im starting a short story and just made a really first draft for what im hoping is going to be a good story I just need some feed back and I don't know what im righting about yet.

In this lifetime I want to carve my path,I want my path to have green fields, burnt grass and dead flowers along the way.  Unlike everyone around me they want everything to be roses and sunshine, they want to carve my path not walk along it as I make it.  At times I am stuck in my on head, consumed by my thoughts, but my face tells a different story.  I keep a smile on my face because they wouldn’t understand that I am human and sometimes need time to think and a moment on not exuding happiness.  Occasionally when they see the look of deep concentration, the frown on my face they ask, “What is wrong?” and I am forced to answer, ’nothing’ because they would just claim me moody and anti-social.  Sometimes I feel like I am slowly drowning in invisible waters.  I wish I could escape from my reality and take on another.

Reviews

[CountNicholasAlti]

I'd like to see where this is going, but as a first impression, nothing really sticks as powerful or engaging. I think you should incorporate more unique detail to the unique character, not necessarily his physicality, but how he thinks and why he thinks that way. Watch out for small words and phrases, for instance, "green fields" could be "luscious pastures" or "dead flowers" "fields of decaying life" or something along those lines. More detail, in short. There's the obvious grammatical issues, but that can be expected in a draft. Just try to create an omnipotent atmosphere and pain vivid images, and show the reader why he should be interested in this character and story.