Contemplated

Third in the collection of getting over it....

Here it is then,

a collection worthy

of your approval.

It only took some heartbreak,

some swallowing of pride,

and a realization

 

I do need you in my life.

 

It would have been nice

if this happened sooner,

but where would we be?

I'd rather not contemplate,

it only hurts to breathe,

or think, or feel,

you've reduced me

to a crushed cliche.

 

I doubt that was the intent,

it happened all the same.

I'm going to let the words

run their course,

even bitter waters

quench thirst.

 

I know you'll never

set eyes on these words of mine,

just take solace that I'm healing

myself the best way

I know how.

 

Through words, thoughts,

and the alcohol beckons

like an old friend wanting

to catch up on all the gossip.

Reviews

[JR]

Ok, wow, you've got a lot of good things going on in this piece. It feels� I don't know. Comfortable. Maybe that's because I can identify with so much of it. The progression and pace is pretty typical of your works� it's conversational, it's relaxed, and yet it runs through with a powerful undercurrent of emotion:

"It only took some heartbreak,
some swallowing of pride,
and a realization"

You know, nothing big, right? Heh. That's AH, sarcastic to the core.

As a suggestion, I would tie in the "realization" with what was realized. In other words, don't line break between the "realization" line and the "I do need you" line, see? That way, the impact is better, and we as readers don't risk losing the epiphany. Either drop the line break, or move the "realization" line down. I'd also condense a tad, like:

"it only took some heartbreak
swallowing of pride

realization
I do need you in my life."

That's what I would suggest, a little slimming and trimming. Also, watch those commas� they can creep up on you. As a reminder, the end of a line works as a pause� the eye has to crawl all the way back to the left, which forces a physiological pause� whatever� the result is the same as a comma. To use both implies a longer break. Is that what you were shooting for? Look at:

"I'd rather not contemplate,
it only hurts to breathe,
or think, or feel,
you've reduced me
to a crushed cliche."

That's a lot of end-line commas, right? I think you could drop all of these and not lose a thing.

The line "crushed clich�" will keep me up at nights. That's a freaking awesome image. So is "even bitter waters / quench thirst." I mean, damn s**t f**k, where do you get those images? That's very tight writing. As is the description of alcohol as an old friend, wanting to catch up on gossip. OOOOOh, that's good�

The sense of longing and loss in this piece are what give it it's power. Strip it down to its bare essentials, if you're in the mood for revision, but don't lose that edge. It draws blood.

[Helen Woodward]

Bitter sweet Sherlock! A mix of 'yes' and 'no' and a couple of maybe's. I think you have laid out your prose exactly how it should be, makes perfect sense to me. As always your work is wonderfully real, filled with raw emotion and obvious truth. Even if it does not apply to you, I'm sure many could identify with the message conveyed. Good to vex on the page...I'm all for it!!!
Love,
Helen xxx

[Narnie]

Alcohol is crap at appreciating gossip... I'm much better :D
The poem is you - clever, poignant, *right* and thought provoking...
Hello you, not really here but am because I wanted to see who is about and is that really you? really here? Wanta gossip? xxx

[Andy N]

I like this poem, must admit.. have you considered trying placing 'I do need you in my life' a little bit more between one or two more of the stanzas.. it may give you a really good beat!

[Otter]

Welcome back, Amber. I missed you. Great write.

[[untitled]]

I just hope that you will be Okay, you have many friends here Sherlock and I am one of them. I hope also that you will be able to move onto some happier thoughts, you know where I am if you need me. This is a very emotional piece, which is exactly what it should be...
Love
Helen xxx

[[untitled]]

Sherlock, I'm in shock! Going to read the first two if I can find them...

[the ghost of pauls]

It's a great collection, a careful process of recapturing the voice and adding touches and energy, recovering balance enough to wobble freely and enjoy it. You are a poet even when you are not writing. The real deal. You are Amber, nuff said, no no I want to say it again properly, you are AMBER!!! yayayayayayayayayayayay

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Damn now that was quite an outcry of bitter emotions that come with losing love...

it only hurts to breathe,
or think, or feel,
you've reduced me
to a crushed cliche.

These lines stood out as we all try not to be that become that emotional mess but end up there anyways. Overall though such vintage writing from you.

AMBERS BACK AND SHE MEANS BUSINESS!!

[shandi]

Beautifully raw and open. The rhythm was short and to the point and it flowed nicely. Now I have to read the first two!