A Letter I Will Never Send.

To Myself,

You need to hear this.

I don't want to become my sister. I don't want to feel so lost within myself that I need to use drugs to pull out. I don't want to become my mother. I don't want to watch my oldest daughter struggle and suffer through her teenage years, feeling so inescapably helpless. I don’t want to become my father. Knowing what limited time I have with my children and watching as they both drift further and further away. I don't want to become my stepdad, forever searching for the home I left behind and in doing so pushing away my new family. My sister and I used to play in the fields behind the oldest house, My sister used to braid my hair any chance she had, My sister and I used to build sand sculptures on the beach together and stay in the water for as long as we could. My sister and I used to play turtle for hours in the hotel pool.  I watched as my sister covered up her vomit and pain with those very sculptures we created. I watched as my sister covered herself up because she hated what she saw in the mirror. I watched as my sister made lines in her flesh as she once had the sand, as she once had the water. I watch my sister smoke and play through a window, as I sit cross legged in front of my living room couch waiting for my sister to come braid my hair. I mourn my childhood four years early, because I don't want to have a childhood without her. I don't want to become my sister, but I don't want to be left behind.

Best,

The little sister.

Reviews

[life_seeker]

this is heartfelt dear. I feel when you say "I don't want to become my sister, but I don't want to be left behind." Take care and have a bright shiny future