I met Innocence

"This one's for a friend"

I met innocence

I talked to her soul

A clear picture

A pristine air

She acted tough

Guarded her vulnerability

Said nothing could hurt her

Nothing could scratch her tranquillity

She’d built her own utopia

Argued its sanctity

Swore its existence

Denied the harshest reality

Believed in angels

Had counted her very own

Loved with all her heart

Braved through grim..so they wouldn’t mourn

I met innocence

Encountered chastity personified

I smiled at how she thought

And I  prayed for a world.. where she never cried

She loved and lost

A player he was

Yet she couldn’t cuss or blame

Instead she thought she deserved to

Be ripped apart ..by the deadliest most claws

She defied practicality

She cried and she wept

Said she didn’t understand rationality

That logic was hard to interpret

She still loved her angels

Believed they loved her back

But somehow it wasn’t enough

And that void made her crack

She tried an end

Failed despite the red

She said she couldn’t hold on

But wished she’d lose the dread

I met innocence

I thought she’s blessed

Seeing her this way

I wish she had more prudence

Now she’s fighting

Against her own self

Still no cusses.. not even a blame

And that player, for all he cares

Seems to have turned deaf

Life’s not fair

But it shouldn’t have been her

Innocence that pure

Would have had its utopia.. if God I were

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

This one is very good...for the first half. In the beginning, your flow is strong, your rhymes are solid, and your structure is intact. Then...oh then the second half. Why do you do this to me? The rhyme scheme morphs, shifts, and ultimately disappears along with the rhythm. The ending makes a valiant effort to save it, but against the strength of the rest of it, it only makes those stand-out stanzas look even worse.

You're still showing off your vocabulary, which is fine. You may still want to tone it down a little, not to simplify the language, but to make the structure work for you instead of against you. Not every line needs a word you don't hear in everyday conversation.


Oh, and finally,

"Be ripped apart ..by the deadliest most claws"

Yeah...no. Try that line again

[Alicante lullaby]

ohhh,lovely,,,innocence so pure,,,so sad and so truely heart felt,,,,
she still loved her angels
believed they loved her back,,,sweet,,,a pain throbs,gently,,,,

[Iota]

This gives credit to innocence, even thou we all know if we live long enough innocence will be taken away. Knowledge and experiences steals innocence away from us. This was an outstanding write, it is one of those that makes you think and feel.

[StoryTailor]

Yes... Beautiful, and at the same time pathetic. Wait, that wasn't meant as an insult, I meant it in this sense of the word : "marked by sorrow or melancholy" or even : "having a capacity to move one to either compassionate or contemptuous pity". THe poem was magnificent to read, the flow was marvelous.

I felt connected to the poem, as though I could go through those stages. A marvelous thing for a poem to have... I loved this piece.

[Therene]

This makes me miss childhood. Along with the process of growing up. It's awfully painful and wonderful at the same time. :D

Very good flow. Spontaneous.

Keep up the good job.

[Coyote Poetry]

A outstanding poem. The story brought me into the poem. Utopia is man's great dream. We talk of it. And go more away from it daily. Description of character was very good. Sometime better to be deaf to the turmoil around you.
Coyote

[deeps]

Wow! I am in Awe here! This is so wonderful, touching and beuatiful.
Quite the remarkable write here. Quite the powerful write here.
This is just plain wonderful!

[Dev]

Aww.. whoever this is should bash up the "player" i mean no one deserves to be unhappy , to lose the sanctity of joy and happiness just because of someone who is'nt the one who wud understand their world of butterflies and fairy tales ..

[Aekmy]

This is gorgeous. I love the way it flows and paints such a pretty picture. You did a wonderful job.

-Mary
God Bless