Beyond Redemption

Just a first draft

The curtain has fallen

But he remains there

Sat in the front row

Chained up to his chair

 He's tied your wrists

 He's chained to your arms

 Attached to your ankles

 and you're chained to his heart

He claims he's changed his ways

But does that change the past?

Even if he has changed

Misdeeds were made to last

 I don't doubt you're different

 I know you're not the same

 But what have you become?

 Have you no shame?

You had your chance once

I mock your hopeful grin

You did what you did

Now live in the sin

Author's Note

This is just the fist draft, let me know what you think

Reviews

[Chris]

People can eventually forgive many things...but seldom forget. Good content.

This is a draft - meaning changes may come... The rhyme scheme is a bit off, and be careful you aren't rhyming based on you pronunciation - our own accents will bite us from time to time.

when read aloud the rhythm stumbles a bit.

[Owlgirl]

Great job, lovely smooth flow, though you may want to work on a little puntuation and formatting, I agree with Chris,but overall, this is amazing!!!

[Kat]

While Chris's statement it true, rather wouldn't "many people forget the words spoken, but seldom forget the feelings, brought on by our punishing words." I'am a very visual reader, and enjoyed the detailed visuals you gave. I couldn't get a clear image, but that my be part of poems perplexing sultry.

[nevermindfan1991]

The curtain has fallen
But he remains there
Sat in the front row
Chained up to his chair

I think sat should be “sitting” to be consistent with the tense (present). This introduction does not grab me but other than that there is nothing really wrong with it.


 He's tied your wrists
 He's chained to your arms
 Attached to your ankles
 and you're chained to his heart

This stanza is a little confusing. Is it he’s tied your wrists or tied to your wrist. This stanza is too flat and direct. Chained to your arms, heart is a cliched phrase. You don’t capture the feeling of being trapped or burdened well enough.

He claims he's changed his ways
But does that change the past?
Even if he has changed
Misdeeds were made to last

The fourth line indicates to me that the rhyme here was forced. This is because it seems awkward. I know where you are coming from but it sounds strange.

 I don't doubt you're different
 I know you're not the same
 But what have you become?
 Have you no shame?

This is too sudden. I feel that there are two or three preceding stanzas missing. Again, it is too direct. You’re not making me think! You’re not painting a picture. If this was a poem made for your own private use then this is fine but if it’s written for a wide audience then you have to explain what you mean. Example, shame is an abstract concept that can been perceived differently depending on the person and/or the context. Give us (the readers) some context so we are able to discern why and how the perpetrator feels shameful.

You had your chance once
I mock your hopeful grin
You did what you did
Now live in the sin

Too clunky, direct, and simple.

[BLACK PRINCE]

This is a seemingly haunting poem.

The final line ends it well

[Harley (arbiter)]

For some reason it reminds me of the song "the unfogiven" by metallica. Hey musics my life sogeting compared to a song is a compliment. I like it. We need to learn to forgive

[Kimberly "Melody" Carne..]

Wow, sounds like my ex-husband! I loved it. The mockery of a man unchanged is as vile as the scorned woman’s embrace. Very, nicely written.