You Cannot Read This Poem

I cannot write this poem,
For I am paranoid, you see.

Paranoid someone is watching,
Come to take my thoughts from me.

I cannot write this poem,
Cannot, don’t you see?

Even as I write these words,
I feel you leaning over me.

I could turn my head and shift my eyes and yours would pin to mine,
Looking at me,
laughing at me,
Freezing me in time.

You cannot read this poem!
I will not let you see!

I refuse to show to you, the paranoia stalking me. 

Author's Note

I am new at this and this is one of my first poems... I'm looking for constructive criticism so don't hold back! And i do love compliments so feel free to add those too :)

Reviews

[Miss Evans]

This is really great! I love it. I get this feeling a lot with my writing, it's something you wish the whole world would love to read and accept, and feel accomplished about it, but there is always that nagging sensation that someone will rip you to shreds and denounce you of your talent.

I never thought of actually writing about the feeling of writing, and you did it very well. The only critique I have is for the line:

"I could turn my head and shift my eyes and yours would pin to mine,"

It would flow better written as:

"I could turn my head and shift my eyes,
And yours would pin to mine,"

Or if you just added up the lines after that to match in length. Other than that, this was really well written, and perfect.

Bravo!

[Holly Soques]

Need I even say that this is brilliant? The flow, the rhyme, it all fits perfectly. And the paranoia you describe so well... it really does affect everyone, doesn't it? I mean, the feeling of being self-conscious is in itself one of the definitions of 'personhood' if I correctly recall my philosophy lessons... but one of the lesser explored topics in poetry, or at least from what I've seen on here.

It's a great thing you're able to write meta-poetry!

[AK]

It is very nice! Great topic to write about. Criticism-if that's what you want here it is.

The poem isn't really flowing too well. You might want to change the word syntax a tad bit. 'Paranoid someone is watching,/come to take my thoughts from me'. First line you are taking about your inability to write the poem, next you are talking about a person stealing your thoughts. You might want to make them one stanza or you could try adding a conjunction so the stanzas are related. Otherwise, your flow breaks. Just try reading all your stanzas and maybe work on this point.


Punctuation, each punctuation mark has a particular duty to perform. Like periods signify the end of a sentence, commas help in breaking the sentence into smaller parts for easy reading, semi colons signify the end of a thought, et cetera. We cannot use them otherwise. Please try looking at this too.


And most importantly, every poem has a message, meaning, inspiration. What is yours? What is it we learn by the end of the poem? Most good poems can have conclusions drawn from them. What would it be here?


The whole poem you are dragging on and on about paranoia. Please try using more adjectives, and making the poem more descriptive?


Lol, I'm getting into real hardcore criticism ain't I? If it is too much, please ignore it. I just hoped to help:)
Akanksha Suresh
~Improve Your Writing group writings review~

[The White Wolf]

How tricky of you to title a poem with something like that! I couldn't help myself. I just HAD to read it. Criticism: none. Compliments: Awesome job!

[Angelic Surrender]

I LOVE IT! Omg, you captured the paranoia feeling perfectly! This is an awesome poem! I'm putting it in my fav's! I am lost for any other words!

[trippy kitty]

This was really good. The idea and concept of it was really different from anything I've ever read on this site. I liked the message it sent and I could relate as well.
Fantastic poem