Red Rainbow Halos

Impressions from a lovely night sky. Amazing.

 I watched a moon show last night,
Somehow

it made everything

al'right,

The sky was

emptying down universe in

its amazing way,
An expanding concave surface

breaching billions of galaxies

far away,

The wispy clouds

sketched out vast dimensions

to me,
The wind blew them past

sieving moonlight in

color tinged degree,

Red rainbow halos

appeared in the cottony white islands

gliding,
Across the brilliant half-face

of an orb so familiar

it was surprising!

The stars were mini-moons;

the moon was

that white,
The sky was endless beyond them;

the stars were

that bright,

The air was clear and

seemed fashioned for the sole purpose of

holding the figments above it,
So I breathed it in deeply

stood in one spot looking upwards

and took in every bit. 

 

Reviews

[Fantasyfairy]

A nice piece, but a little choppy and it doesn't run as smoothly as it could. Shorten the lines a little, or make one line into two and you have the makings of a masterpiece here. A beautiful, vivid poem that makes me wish I were there to see the beautiful sight you saw. XX

[The Musings of Mary H.]

Beautiful picture, beautiful poem! Reading this poem made all of my surrounding fade away and all I saw was the sky. What a magnificent feeling! I really enjoy your work!

"Red rainbow halos

appeared in the cottony white islands

gliding,
Across the brilliant half-face

of an orb so familiar

it was surprising! "

[Blackbirdsong]

I agree with what the other said about this poem and some of the longer lines. You have the bones for something really good here. So just polish it up a bit and remove some unnecessary words and you'll have it.

[Atlanta Carter]

Natasha,

I, too, had some problems with the longer lines. It might have to do with the rhythm more than anything else. Try cutting out some unnecessary words; poetic English can break a few (many, even) rules, you know. I am always nervous about having rhyme in unmetered verse. I didn't exactly find them forced, but I suggest you divide your lines and forget about rhyme. You've got some nice imagery here, and it would be a shame for it to feel wrong. I'd also try to avoid rhyming a word with itself (bright), and you start 6 out of the 12 lines with "the."

Red rainbow halos appeared in the cottony white islands gliding

I like that image especially, but you could improve it by dropping "the."

Red rainbow halos appeared in cottony white islands gliding

You might also consider avoiding static verbs like "appear" and "seem."

Just my two cents.

AC

[Nathan Strange]

Hey, this was nice, kind of like those soulful moments I get when I stand in my parents back garden and smoke a cigarette while everyones in bed. I always look up at the stars and reflect on my thoughts.

I watched a moon show last night
Somehow it made everything al'right

that was a good line!

'An expanding concave surface breaching billions of galaxies far away
The wispy clouds sketched out vast dimensions to me
The wind blew them past, sieving moonlight in color tinged degrees'

those three I think need reworking. I'm not sure about degrees.
Anyway this piece has great potential.
And.. of course that is just my opinion.
Thanks for posting.