Pennylane

Saturday, March 8, 2014

12:15 p.m.

March 8th and it’s the darkest of days. You’re officially gone. Heaven is the place I like to envision you now, but I can’t be so sure. They say in the Bible animals don’t go to heaven. It’s that realization alone that makes this situation more unbearable then I ever could have imagined it. To know I will never see you in this lifetime or even in the afterlife. At least with human deaths we have that comfort. But, where ever you are, whether it’s above or in an unknown vortex somewhere, I am entirely sure that you are unbelievably happy. I see you frolicking freely looking as young as the puppy your personality portrayed you as, eating endless amounts of peanut butter, and cuddled in your utmost favorite blanket. The one covered with angel bears. The one that now sits beside me, bearing your scent.

By far I have shed more tears the last 24 hours then I have in my entire lifetime. True story. My eyes are permanently puffy and red, a Kleenex has not left my side and i’v clutched my old childhood bear Cubby more then I can count. Anything to get me through the waves that overtake me as I fold myself small small small into his matted fur as I attempt to ride this out. 

It’s funny because there will be moments when I experience utmost clarity. Moments where your death seems logical and I understand that God just simply called your number. Those are the moments that I finally feel like my head has broken the surface of this nightmare and I can finally breath again. But, then theres moments that the pain overtakes me like a wave, enticing me with the strongest of forces and taking me under as I struggle against their current. My hands instantly go to my eyes, palms laid flat, as I try to halt the quivering beneath them. The gasps of breath coming out of my mouth in spurts that are haunting even to my own ears.

 

My heart is so broken.

What will life be like without you? It’s an unbalance. It was equal with 6, with you as our honorary member. 5 just seems off somehow. Lonely. Your things are still here of course. Your food bowl with your name inscribed beneath it. A gift I had made for you at one of those pottery birthday parties in the fourth grade. Your bed, that heart shaped blanket usually in it’s place has now not left my mothers side. And your basket of toys. Each brightly mounded in that wicker basket and ever prominent as my eyes only find them first now whenever I enter the room. Your presences is everywhere. Unavoidable. 

I am forever changed by the blessing God has provided our family with. This dog who had been apart of our lives the last 17 years. Breaking all odds that made even the vets wonder aloud what her secret was. It’s selfish of me to want her here. I saw it in her eyes as I said goodbye, the pain beneath them, her breath rising and falling rapidly as she struggled with her own wave, and yet I would do anything to see her again. Give up my car, my college savings, I don’t care, anything to see her walk through the door, tail already wagging to lick my nose. Selfish. 

I always knew 2014 would be one hell of a year, but not in the way I expected. In two months I have experienced two deaths. Deaths that are extremely different, but deaths non the less. With my grandma it was sad. I cried for a couple days and there are still moments when the reality that she is gone kind of takes me by surprise. But, I didn’t see her every day. Penny was my sister. I grew up with her since I was 5 and she provided me with a loyalty that I am afraid i'll never experience again. We had our routines of course. I tucked her in every night, would roll my eyes as the clock stroke 11 a.m. signifying her arrival at my bed to be fed, and I became so accustomed to the sound of her scratching my door that eventually there was no need for an alarm clock. Daily events I unknowingly took for granted. Daily events i’ll never get back.

Upon finding out that she had passed, the first thing my sister said was, “what now?”. An unknowingly perfect expression in that moment. What now is right. Life just isn’t the same without my stinky stinky stinky Pennylane. 

-n.b.

Reviews

[Stephen]

It's very hard to let someone go especially the someone's who you love the way you live...but yeah, your last line's very though-provoking .. " Life just isn’t the same" .. yeah, time never stops so doesn't the life .. it changes time to time and we picture it through our own eyes doing number of random things in the life .. we feel it, see and heal it until we reach the end of the life .. we face many problems, happiness, sadness, love ..faith and hurt but what the thing we never forget is "Memory's" yeah,..the memories which we made with the time and time which left its mark on the life into the forms of memories's filled with comfort. You here bleed into the words with your emotions letting your heart feel good and the words are plotted creatively.

[nattibabe]

Thank you so much for the review! Your perspective was really creative and I really enjoyed reading it :)

[Stephen]

My pleasure ... I always love putting my perspective into the reviews what I got from the talented writer's stuffs .. you've a way to pen down the words with your mind's creation which's of course, much appreciable as well as very unique to a reader to read how a writer pluck the pearls of words and bleed onto the paper ..painted by ink ;)

[Woody]

the loss of a pet can hurt as much as that of a human being. they become members of the family and their passing leaves a void not easily filled. you described your loss and distress in a poignant way.
I believe the Beatles have immortalised your dog in one of their songs :) "Pennylane is in my ears and in my eyes" or are they before your time?
nice little story.

[nattibabe]

Haha I loved your reference to the Beatles, that song was our inspiration for her name! Thanks for the great review :)

[Woody]

my pleasure :)

[Babe Roxx]

Amazing write...a very endearing write about the loss of your dog...and let your readers read the genuine thoughts of feelings of that moment. Wonderful stuff.

[nattibabe]

Thank you for the review!

[Babe Roxx]

You are very welcome.

[writ rajat]

extremely emotional some drops of water streamed down from my eyes well done I want to know that is it real story or your imagination

[nattibabe]

Thank you for the review! I'm glad the message came across so well haha I wish I could claim I made this up, but it's from a personal experience.

[writ rajat]

very good bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

[Cory James]

This is absolutely beautiful. Good job

[nattibabe]

Thank you so much for those kind words. It's darker then how I normally write, but it was written more for myself and in the moment, but I like how it turned out.