Stupid People

A day in the life of a delivery guy.

                                                        Stupid People

                                                    By Nathan Carpenter

 

 

Stupid people.

Yellow curb. Means park somewhere else. Unless you’re me and have deliveries.

Looking for a free lunch, the fountain of youth, the holy grail, or a parking spot in front of the courthouse, which for this truck means a 35 foot slot in the lineup.

Not only are they parked on yellow, ACROSS from the sheriff's office, they hadn't the decency to close up the gaps. Between every bumper and fender stretches a tantalizing 30 feet, as if they only had so many cars to lock up all the parallel spots so they had to space em out.

Ever since the arraignment for one Charles Haught, middle-aged life drop-out, rapist and murderer of one Wesley Campbridge, seven year-old, ever since every mobile news unit from three surrounding counties had converged and taken up residence in front of Bourbon County Circuit Courthouse, people had ceased fudging the customary ten to fifteen feet of yellow curb, and now strung all the way across it in the spirit of the old adage about forgiveness and permission.

If Action News 36 can do it, well by George. . .

In my mind I know it's 9:43 and in my DIAD are 8 uncompleted 10:30 commit stops, two of them bulk, and one of them across town.

Without looking, I sense a looming diesel presence in the fold-out sideview mirror, the same white Ford dually that's been dogging me from 10th Street, edging out from behind me just enough to make sure I know he wants around.

Knock yourself out, sweetheart. If you can fit that monster in between my mirror and the half-lane that's left, you're more driver than I am. No doubt he thinks he is. More to the point, no doubt he's been cussin me all the way down Main since I pulled in front of him.

Well I had to cut somebody off.

Watched twenty cars amble by with that same maddening gap precision.

Twenty cars, a minute-and-a-half I ain't got.

The second I nosed out into traffic, he coasted up to my bumper so close I could see the Ford oval on his grill in my rear camera monitor.

Yeah, now you're in a hurry.

I can see his mouth moving, so I put words in it.

Fool kid, pull out in front of me, and some other words that normally I would never think, were I not forced into providing captions for his thought balloons.

It wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't feel just a little bit guilty. Guilt pressed in between time and stress oozes out looking like road rage.

A blue Caravan with a bandaged rear window and a bumper just hanging on for dear life pulls away from the curb in front of me, at about the same time the Ford gets the four inches he's been wanting for ten blocks, and here he comes, loosening the reins of all 275 horses, and billowing acrimony from both 5 inch chrome horns.

The hapless grocery-getter dawdles on out in his lane.

He hauls up on the reins, the whistling downshift an automotive curse.

If I had time, I'd be laughing. Good thing I don't.

Because he's up even with me now, looking right at me, distilling all his frustration with the Caravan and the world in general into the last minute spent staring at the back of a delivery truck.

I can see his silent swearing indignation.

He's a mouth breather. Unfortunate orifice, that. The gaps in between the parked cars should be so wide.

Still, he manages to impart more scorn through his NASCAR shades and the bubbled tint than Estella ever cast down on Pip, or the parabolic Pharisee upon the publican.

Turning my attention to the vast expanse of gleaming yellow curb vacated by the departing Caravan, I cut as close as I can and then back, dimming the luminous paint with my rubbing tires.

The stop I need is half a block back.

Shoving the truck into park, I fall into a habitual series of movements, park, brake, key out, seatbelt off, mirror in, bulkhead door open; a sequence so varied but seamless, executed by habit with a truly Faulkneresque fluidity.

Dodging strategically positioned and scarcely mobile human sidewalk ornaments, I finally make it to the intended destination, a lawyer's office, and pull hard on the door.

It's locked, and the jolt shakes the glassed-in front wall.

The over-cooked, under-worked (she’s playing minesweeper?) secretary jerks around so suddenly that her desk chair becomes a tilt-a-whirl, and she steadies herself with a What on Earth expression. (Oh help, another mouth breather.)

Sizing up the situation, she laughs, then slaps the desk so hard I can hear it out here, and puts her forehead down on her hand, big shoulders shaking.

9:46. Odd seconds rush out into eternity while she has a good winding down laugh about how startled she was and how she forgot to unlock that front door again!

She gets up from the chair in hitches and explains the noise over her shoulder to someone in the back room, actually stopping mid-way and, what, turning to raise her voice because they can't hear her.

When she opens the door, “Oh my land's sakes, you scared me to death,” throwing her head down and slapping a meaty thigh, and sucking in the next phrase through a hearty laugh “I-I-I thought somebody ran into the building-hing-hing, and and Haley hollered up here and said, 'What in tarnation is that, did some kid run his bicycle into the front door?' Ooohhhh, I forgot to UNLOCK it!”

I am speechless.

“Come in.”

I would, of course, decline, but it appears she isn't going to physically accept the package, possible germophobe, but no, she just stuck a pen in her mouth.

The packages, including this 2 oz. next-day-air envelope, go on a table in that back room.

“The one on the left?”

“No, down the stairs, to the right, through the gray door.”

Returning from the dungeon, I offer her the DIAD to sign.

“Oh no, Betty signs for everything.”

“Betty?”

“Downstairs, you didn't see her?”

Poor Betty's been having indigestion all morning, she explains when she emerges from the rest room at 9:52.

How fast can you empathize?

My foot is one inch from the bottom step of the truck when a voice falls across my tense shoulders like a war club.

“Hey, buddy.”

Consideration of feigned deafness tempts me for a second.

Sigh.

“Yeah?” Turning, sounding relaxed, helpful.

Oh no, it's John Boy gone to neglected seed, Santa Clause's Appalachian counterpart, except I don't think he's going to give me anything.

The v-neck t-shirt stopped being white shortly after it stopped trying to reach down to the sweat pants. Chest hair, copious and curly, nestles in the plunging neckline.

The grace of a beard has been weeded out to a mockery of sweat, oil and tangles.

Sixty degrees and sweat beads his forehead and speckles his shirt.

He hooks a thumb to the courthouse.

“Can you tell me what that says?”

Over his shoulder my eyes focus on a computer-printed sign taped to the door of the courthouse.

Forgot his glasses, I guess.

Hurrying around him, I'm almost there before I realize the print is four inches tall.

Behind me, I hear "I just. . . can't read."

Something jams into my spokes, locking up the wheels of time and task and what I call trouble.

“Uh, it says the courthouse is closed-ummm,” scanning the two lines as if it were fine print

“-uh, open. . . tomorrow.”

Turning to face him, “Well that's odd,” I’m babbling, “wonder why they're closed, no holiday, the trial…”

“That's okay.” he says.

“All right, well, have a good one, man.”

“Sorry,”-he looks me right in the eye- “Just…can't read.”

“Hey, no problem, no problem at all, have a good one, have a good day.”

“I thank ye.”

“You to-uh, no problem, have a- we'll see you.”

Delivering next day air, I don't have time to think about the flush that stains my face, or the lump that fills my throat.

Reviews

[AprilRN1210]

oh my goodness, this had me cracking up... I never really thought about all of the things they have to go through.. This should be a running series... I like to write little short ones on my blog on the day in the life of a nurse... makes for some great comedy with how stupid people can really be... very nice piece. I enjoyed it...

[J.P. Bristow]

This was dry and funny...and an enjoyable write lol

[deepika]

wow.... this is really good... this can become a good satire...