River

I wish I was one of those
More articulate
less collapsed words
Endlessly being chased by my thoughts
My mind is a maze
I’m always lost
Oversharing
responsible to host
all I want is to be a ghost

I want to do it all
I want it all at once
I wish i was more like the neurotypical ones
Having enough room to let air in my lungs
One burst of adrenaline
Now I haven’t left my bed in months

Call me what you please
Depressed, bipolar, ADHD
I own my disease
I named it River
It owns me too
Racing,
diverted thoughts,
flowing one way
Tributaries joining in
Confluences
there’s no other way
Claustrophobic
Waiting for the river mouth to appear
The sea is the only savior for me

Call me obsessive
I wouldn’t mind
Control is compulsive
Life hasn’t been that kind
Somehow I’ve always had to find
The line between truth and lies
Some way I’ve always had to choose
Between love and abuse
My persona isn’t a birthmark
Its a bruise

Put me in a pedestal
That Is not what I need
I promise you
I’m not complete
If I’m upstream
Its because I’m pushing through
Easy is a word I never knew
Its fair to assume that I have a clue
I’m constantly fighting scenarios I hope never come true
But sometimes they do
And it’s okay
Cause I know what to do

Used to facing the unavoidable
I have faith in myself
I’m invincible
identity keeps running out of track
Draw me a map to find my way back
Wait, no
You’re not a friend
This is a trap

Give me space
My essence I want to redeem
I’m sorry
I let myself get lost in a broken dream
Comatose
Out of place
Its been years
But I’m here
No longer asleep
I finally have all the pieces I need
My layers I will seam
(Nothing is as it seems)