Tired Eyes

I dismiss it as a lack of sleep,

Buts its so hauntingly more deep.

A little shut eye just subsides my shame.

But a lack of devotion ,

And life’s unfriendly motions,

Make every nights’ journey the same.

 

I’m pining for pleasure,

But unyielding weather,

Keeps blowing my chances away.

With good chance that I’m lonely,

Its my bed that will hold me,

And keep me away from the day.

 

What might have been,

Just wont let me win.

I’ve been laying here for more than a week.

But its here that ill stay,

Sleeping my tired eyes away,

Until my outlook stops looking so bleak.

 

Now I’m cold from lack of being dressed,

And my back hurts from this old mattress,

So ill hurl myself onto the floor.

And walk outside into the world,

To have a smoke and to explore,

All the things that I’ve thought

But will dwell on no more.

Author's Note

im not really sure what i think of this one yet but your opinion would be nice.

Reviews

[M.A. Van Dyke]

Yep, the mattress is my favorite part too! The whole ending, really. I haven't really read any poetry since college so my critique might sound a little vague, but I like the whole mood the piece presents, how it goes unspoken that by laying in bed the protagonist is only making it harder to get past his woes... Been there... Another good job!

[r]

My favorite is the second stanza, definitely. I like this poem, it has a wonderful flow, and i love the way his world his too bleak to get out of bed, the imagery is great with that. Love it! :)

[Dingo the Archwizard of..]

Everything past the first verse flows pretty easily. I commend you for that. It's pretty difficult to make a point and succesfully rhyme about it, for me anyway, and you pretty much succeeded with that. Another nice one.

[Candylove.]

This is so good. I think my favorite part would be the second stanza; you write with such great energy and sincerity. Another flawless piece. :)

[x]

Excellent write..Most enjoyed.
Is this you sharing..in a deep and profound way. The favorite line for me was...'Its my bed that will hold me...' That is like a hug from the universe...very sweet..Nice write..hugs

[Poetic Beauty]

the narrator is so detached and lonely. Not realizing that the longer he stay in bed the worse he/she will feel. I love the ending. The old mattress gets him up and moving. Great details.

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

the line compositions themselves are constructed in a way that enhances the melancholy of the narrator as he slowly detaches from detachment in slow motion~ I personaly like the write very much~

[Brad]

sad, brother, a lonely lonely write of quiet desperation

[nono]

Very nice...And awesome imagery....But it seems tough...But you just gotta try and it won't be hard to get through...

[Jonathan De Elvira]

Wow, I can't imagine if myself experiencing what you wrote above...
That would be...bad....XD
Being tired from not sleeping is bad enough but too much sleep would be worse...
Never thought of that but now I am o.O...
keep up the good work