A Drink Of Rain And Death

Cold, sweet and pure

It washes my pain and my scares it cures

 

In the darkness of the night, it falls down heavily

Killing frowns and making the night lovely

 

Charming me with a red dress

Stealing my attention absorbing my stress

 

Taking me to a dream far away

To the land of illusion, oh how I wish there to stay

 

Sweet, sweet pain keep on burning don’t stop

This night is dark and you’ll be washed with rain drops

 

Thirsty for emotions I lay in the innocence of this night

I hunger for thoughts of poetry not fights

 

I strip away my sins, my pride and my shame

I seek no sympathy I seek no fame

 

It’s me tonight and this beautiful soft rain

It’s words of my eyes and the music of love in my veins

 

My soul rises from this muddy cage

Leaving awareness opening new page

 

Happy as I leave it’s just me

I have no reason to get back to reality

 

So angel of death take my soul immediately

I deserve to die happy since my life was full of misery 

Author's Note

It needs work I know so please help :)

Reviews

[symmetryAsymmetry]

I really like this one. I could really connect. I have been in such a state of mind before and thus the poem really came alive in my mind.
Initially it seemed like you were having trouble processing feelings into words but you got into the groove quickly and the flow of feelings into thoughts and thoughts into words became smooth and clean. It is evident you write from your heart. I bet you felt much lighter after writing this one. It sure was a joy to read it.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Hi Yasmin, This is a lovely poem and it flows and tells it's tale with panache. As to English it needs work but I am guessing that is not your first language and it which case do not bother as it stands well. I do like to know something of the people I allow as friends. I am selective and DO NOT accept people to boost my ratings!

[Yasmin]

Hey John
I thank you for stopping by and reading my write even more for accepting me as a friend...
Yes English isn't my first language and I would like to know whether it's that obvious or you are professional and if you were professional please help me to improve and become a better writer
Again thank you for reading and reviewing my write

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

The last three stanzas were my favorites. I sense the emotion in your writing, which to me is like a flower budding, not quite in full bloom, but ready to become the prettiest flower in the garden. The potential for you is endless...

Suggestions...technical issues. A little editing--

Cold, sweet and (maybe add a word here to describe "pure", maybe "painfully") pure
It washes my pain, and my scares (scars) it cures

In the darkness of the night, it falls down heavily (maybe instead of "falls down", something like "descends")
Killing frowns and making the night lovely

Charming(,) me with a red dress
Stealing my (take out this "my"--unnecessary) attention absorbing my stress

Taking me to a dream far away (maybe instead of "taking me" come up with a better phrase)
To the land of illusion, oh how I wish there to (I would go with "wish I could") stay

Sweet, sweet pain keep on (take out "on") burning don’t stop
This night is dark and (add a comma after "dark" and omitt "and") you’ll be washed with rain drops

Thirsty for emotions(,) I lay (maybe "rest" instead of "lay") in the innocence of this night
I hunger for thoughts of poetry(,) not fights

I strip (how about "Stripping away" instead of "I strip")away my sins, my pride and my shame(,)
I seek no sympathy I seek no fame

It’s me tonight and this beautiful (find a new word for "beautiful"--maybe "sultry" for some alliteration) soft rain
It’s words of my eyes(,) and the music of love in my veins

My soul rises from this muddy cage
Leaving awareness(,) opening (a) new page

Happy as I leave(,) it’s just me
I have no reason to get back to reality

So angel of death(,) take my soul immediately
I deserve to die happy since (maybe "because" instead of "since") my life was full of misery


Just a few of my VERY quick thoughts...these are technical things that won't change the meaning of your piece, just the feel and the flow. Also, try taking your adjectives and thinking of different ways to say them..."beautiful" might stand out more as "striking" or "stunning"; just little things like that will enhance the overall imagery of the piece.

As I said before...you have the bones of brilliance, you just need to dress them up a little bit :)

[beautiful dreamer]

its amazing the way it is! silly girl

[Louise-Charlotte]

I can't really relate to it but I must admit that at the end of it, it gave me goosebumps. I actually like when you don't use punctuation like "Stealing my attention absorbing my stress", it gives a certain rhythm to the reading that I enjoyed.

[Yasmin]

lol
I like that too
I'm sorry you can't relate it would be amazing to know that somewhere around the world someone can understand what these lines hide
Thank you for reading

[Louise-Charlotte]

Oh I'm sure many people relate to it! Even though these feelings aren't mine I understand them because you express them so eloquently.

[Yasmin]

:D
Thank you dear friend :)

[M.Kilani]

it's the first poem I read that makes death seem less horrible !!
great piece ... too much thoughts, some contradict others, it is good as it is, but if you take each thought and make a new poem out of it it would be great.
well done kido ... keep it up

[howlfjdks]

I accept your poem for what it is. The journey through these words are easy for me to relate to.

[.]

. well, i think this is beautifully written ... i just wish it wasn't dark ... there are many ways to make a miserable life ... a little less miserable ... and there are some ways of making a miserable life ... spectacular ... :) ...