The Professional Klutz

The Professional Klutz

A Story by Nima M
"

a short story about a young teenage girl and her younger brother. The girl is an absolute klutz and her sassy brother is absolutely annoying

"
     My dad and I are sitting around on the couch, when my brother Kudoodee walks in. "Hey" I say, wondering whats going on with him. He usually doesn't get home until sunset. It's only three thirty in the afternoon "Hay is for horses" he responds, sounding like a stuck-up brat. 
"Don't be rude, now. Come be polite. Let's start over" my dad says. 
Kudoodee walks back to the door, pretends to have just entered and announces at the top of his voice "Hey everybody," my dad and I immediately cover our ears as he continues, "I'm home, Hey Nimday," and in a lower voice he says, "How was that, dad?" 
"Never mind" my dad says shaking his head sadly. 
I speak directly to my brother "You know Kududoodee, you really didn't have to do that---" 
My other brother Hamoozee walks into the room cutting me off "Yeah man, you coulda made us all deaf just now" he interrupts.
"Oh whatever, you wasn't even in the room"
"Be quiet, all of you" my dad commands, putting an end to all the silly bickering. 
    "You know dad, I should be going somewhere right about now. Hey, why don't you come with me. I have a surprise to show you" I tell him. He looks at me skeptically. I'm not that good when it comes to surprises. Besides, I'm sort of a klutz and they don't trust me with anything. "It'll be really good, trust me" I assure him. We go to our rooms to get dressed and I tell him to hurry up. Fifteen minutes go by and I still haven't heard him come out. By now, I'm fully dressed in my work uniform. I send Hamoozee to tell him to meet me at Cathy's Cozy Cavern, a local restaurant. As I come out of my room and go down the hall, I catch a glimpse of my dad in the same clothes he had on. Usually that wouldn't be a problem, but on this particular day, he was wearing what we call "family clothes" which are more or less clothes only family should see.
    "Dad," I try to tell him "You need to put on something more nice looking. When you go out, you should at least try to look presentable" He looks at his outfit which consists of a shirt with two gigantic holes in the armpits on either side and some baggy, paint-covered jeans. The holes happened when we were play wrestling and the paint got on his jeans when we were painting the house for my mom last month. He barely glances at me as he rushes back inside his room, mumbling something about mom distracting him. 
    An hour later, we're all at the restaurant, Kudoodee, hamoozee, my dad, and I. Everyone else is sitting at a table with menus in their hand, while my dad is looking at me as if he's seeing me for the first time. I'm standing at his table with a tablet waiting to take their order dressed in the ugliest yellow dress and a scarf. Unfortunately, that's my waitress uniform. All of the staff dress like that, except the cooks. 
   "This is the surprise" I say, not able to take his staring at me like that anymore. "So," I continue "What would you like today? We have liver and onions, hummus and garlic with artichokes..." as I continue listing all the not-so-flavorful dishes, but nice all the same, I notice they're whispering to each other. I stop reading and stare at them. "Look, if you don't like it, just say so" I command them, not able to stand it any longer. 
"Why don't you just give us an egg omelet, pancakes, and macaroni and cheese" Hamoozee says. 
"Hamoozee, this is the afternoon, okay. This is not brunch or whatever meal you think this is"
"I want that too" Kudoodee says.
"Fine, breakfast and lunch it is. Dad? What do you want?" I ask 
"That's about the only good things on the menu, so I guess I'll have the same" He answers.  
   I write it down, then go back in the kitchen to place their order. Fifteen minutes later, I come back my hands loaded with their meals. My dad and brothers are all looking at me amazement on their faces. I have a clear path right to their table and I make a beeline for it. I'm only ten steps away from their table now, but. then, some lady looking like the queen of England with all her jewelry and fancy clothes and hairdo steps into the restaurant and walks right past our table. All of the men in the restaurant turn their heads to follow her. She continues walking past our table, only now, my family is focused on her, not me. The lady locks eyes with my dad and I notice him smooth down his shirt. He finally peels his gaze from her only to glance at me. He turns and continues staring at the beautiful stranger. Hamoozee
however, looks right at me and mouths something. 
   Whatever he was trying to say didn't register until it was too late. I'm only four steps away now, and as I step forward, I feel my foot slide. The trays slip from my fingers, and propelled by the force of my flailing arms, sail forward. If my dad hadn't been so caught up in that woman, he might have seen it coming. From the angle at which he is situated made him a direct target for the flying trays. The woman, who is now in the direct flight path of the second tray didn't have a chance. Meanwhile, Hamoozee, who had seen the whole thing had started calling dad the moment he spotted me trip. He was calling him the whole time, but dad just couldn't be bothered. That is, until the tray of eggs and pancakes had finished its mid-air summer-salt and landed right on his face. The eggs ended up flying over his head and landed in Kudoodee's hair. The mac-and-cheese went all over my dad's hair while the pancakes and syrup slid down his face first, and then down his shirt. The second tray with two helpings of mac and cheeses, pancakes, and eggs, hit the lady from the side. Her costly outfit just lost its sparkle. Hamozee was safely out of the way, under the table when the plates made contact. 
   All I could do was keep from hitting the table myself. At the end of it all, Everyone was shouting at me and what made it all so hilarious (to me) was the fact that the thing that had caused it all was a teeny, weeny marble.

© 2012 Nima M


Author's Note

Nima M
This story was made up by my dad who actually made it up as he was telling it. He claims I made it up, but we both know it was him. I posted this in honor of him (No, he's not dead, just sort of gone right now 'cuz we live in different places) I know it isn't really good, but I thought I'd see what you guys think of it

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The Professional Klutz

Nima, I'm sorry it's taken so long to post this. I've had the review saved in my files, but haven't had the time to get it to you. Hope it wasn't too much inconvenience!

* * *

Your title is clever and pretty unique, it drew me in. Also, the opening is very abrupt, immediate. It takes us straight into the action, and I like that. It doesn’t waste any time. Despite this, your introductory paragraph has many grammatical errors that could scare away a reader. It makes them think the entire text will be flawed, when actually—apart from some typos or simple issues—it’s a great story. Make sure you change the suggestions I make below. It’ll really improve this.

At the [ ], add in the changes I’ve made between the brackets. At the [/ ], remove the text between the dashed brackets. Feel free to ignore what you disagree with!

“Hey[,] I say, wondering [what’s] going on with him.” New line, as someone is talking.
It’s only three thirty in the afternoon[.]
“Hay is for horses[,]” he responds, sounding like a stuck-up brat... Again, new line. You can’t randomly mix dialogue and another character’s thoughts. Also, since it’s the second time already, ensure you include a comma between the end of the dialogue and the closing quotation mark if you’ve got a dialogue tag (eg. “he said”, “she said”). Like this, always: “That’s okay,” she told me. “You’re right,” he agreed. However, if you don’t have a dialogue tag (to describe how it’s been said), simply leave a full stop. Like this: “That’s okay.” She looked away.... Or: “You’re nice.” He nodded in agreement. Remember this rule.

...and announces at the top of his voice[,] “Hey everybody[!]” [M]y dad and I immediately cover our ears as he continues, “I’m home[!] Hey, Nimday[.]” [A]nd in a lower voice he says, “How was that, [D]ad?”
“Never mind[,]” my dad says[,] shaking his head sadly.
I speak directly to my brother[:] “You know[,] Kududoodee, you really didn’t have to do that—”
My other brother Hamoozee walks into the room[,] cutting me off[.] [Y]eah man, you coulda made us all deaf just now[,]” he interrupts.
“Oh whatever, you [weren’t] even in the room[.]” Here: “You weren’t” isn’t correct grammar at all... I’m pretty sure—I’m hoping—you know the rules for “I wasn’t/You weren’t/He wasn’t/They weren’t” etc, but if not, revise them. Their misuse doesn’t have a positive reflection on your writing skills. So change them before people wrongly judge you!
“Be quiet, all of you[,]” my dad commands, putting an end...
“You know[,] [D]ad, I should be going somewhere right about now[,]” [I tell him]. “Hey, why don ‘t you come with me? I have a surprise to show you[.]” I suggest putting the dialogue tag after the first sentence in this dialogue because it’s there to tell us who’s speaking and we shouldn’t read the whole speech without knowing right away. It’s better to tell us who’s said it sooner. It’s up to you, though.
“It’ll be really good[.] Trust me[,]” I assure him.
Put the line commencing “We go to our rooms to get dressed...” on a new line.
“Dad,” I try to tell him[,] “[y]ou need to put on something [nicer] looking. When you go out, you should at least try to look presentable[.]”
I’m standing at his table with a tablet waiting to take their order[,] dressed in the ugliest yellow dress and a scarf.
“This is the surprise[,]” I say, not able to take his staring...
“So,” I continue[,] “[w]hat would you like today?”
[A]s I continue listing all the not-so-flavourful dishes[--]but nice all the same[--]I notice they’re whispering to each other. I stop reading and stare at them. “Look[,] if you don’t like it, just say so[,]” I command them, not able to stand it any longer.
“Why don’t you just give us an egg omelet[te], pancakes and macaroni and cheese[,]” Hamoozee says.
“This is not brunch or whatever meal you think this is[.]”
“I want that too[,]” Kudoodee says.
“[They’re] about the only good things on the menu, so I guess I’ll have the same[,]” [h]e answers.
I’m only ten steps away from their table now, but[/.] then some lady [who looks] like the queen of England with all her jewellery and fancy closes and hairdo steps into the...
She continues walking past our table[;] only now, my family is focused on her, not me.
He finally peels his gaze from her[,] only to glance at me.
Hamoozee[,] however, looks right at me and mouths something.
The woman, who is now in the direct flight path of the second tray[,] [doesn’t] have a chance. Meanwhile, Hamoozee, who had seen the whole thing[,] had started calling [D]ad the moment he spotted me trip. He was calling him the whole time, but [D]ad just couldn’t be bothered.
The second tray with two helpings of mac and cheeses, pancakes, and eggs[/,] hit the lady from the side.
Ham[oo]zee was safely out of the way, under the table[,] when the plates made contact.
At the end of it all, [e]veryone was shouting at me [-] and what made it all so hilarious (to me) was the fact that the thing that had caused it all was a teeny, weeny marble.

Okay, so it’s all very well I list the grammatical errors, but you’d probably like some overall review and my suggestions on the whole, too. Please make sure you change what I’ve correct above though. Anyway, onto plot: there seemed to be a few loose ends such as Kudoodee’s entrance—why did you introduce him as a seemingly rude character? Perhaps you want to clear that up. Also, stretch out the scene in which Nimday announces she has a surprise; it appeared to be just for the father, and he didn’t even seem to know what was going out. Finally, strengthen how much distraction the lady caused as it was more focused on the trays and the falling than the drama source. The dad is made out to be a bad character in the end for not being bothered, so maybe address this, make it extra clear why he was distracted. Anyhow, these are small aspects that you can consider, and at the end, I enjoyed this story.

It’s short and amusing with some different characters with unique names. It has a few extra interesting side plots which add to the main drama, and you’ve written it well. The grammar errors became less as the end neared which is excellent. My main suggestion is for you to read through the entire piece out loud AND when reading novels, keep an eye out for how the authors use punctuation and grammar as without thinking, your own will be perfected. You do very well with characterisation and it appears, originality. This was an enjoyable read.

I hope this helped! Thanks for sharing.
Merry writing!

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Humorous and very entertaing!

Posted 10 Years Ago


great story! there were a few grammatical errors, but it was still funny and well-written. good job!

Posted 10 Years Ago


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AK
Very nice story! Really funny:)

Posted 10 Years Ago


The Professional Klutz

Nima, I'm sorry it's taken so long to post this. I've had the review saved in my files, but haven't had the time to get it to you. Hope it wasn't too much inconvenience!

* * *

Your title is clever and pretty unique, it drew me in. Also, the opening is very abrupt, immediate. It takes us straight into the action, and I like that. It doesn’t waste any time. Despite this, your introductory paragraph has many grammatical errors that could scare away a reader. It makes them think the entire text will be flawed, when actually—apart from some typos or simple issues—it’s a great story. Make sure you change the suggestions I make below. It’ll really improve this.

At the [ ], add in the changes I’ve made between the brackets. At the [/ ], remove the text between the dashed brackets. Feel free to ignore what you disagree with!

“Hey[,] I say, wondering [what’s] going on with him.” New line, as someone is talking.
It’s only three thirty in the afternoon[.]
“Hay is for horses[,]” he responds, sounding like a stuck-up brat... Again, new line. You can’t randomly mix dialogue and another character’s thoughts. Also, since it’s the second time already, ensure you include a comma between the end of the dialogue and the closing quotation mark if you’ve got a dialogue tag (eg. “he said”, “she said”). Like this, always: “That’s okay,” she told me. “You’re right,” he agreed. However, if you don’t have a dialogue tag (to describe how it’s been said), simply leave a full stop. Like this: “That’s okay.” She looked away.... Or: “You’re nice.” He nodded in agreement. Remember this rule.

...and announces at the top of his voice[,] “Hey everybody[!]” [M]y dad and I immediately cover our ears as he continues, “I’m home[!] Hey, Nimday[.]” [A]nd in a lower voice he says, “How was that, [D]ad?”
“Never mind[,]” my dad says[,] shaking his head sadly.
I speak directly to my brother[:] “You know[,] Kududoodee, you really didn’t have to do that—”
My other brother Hamoozee walks into the room[,] cutting me off[.] [Y]eah man, you coulda made us all deaf just now[,]” he interrupts.
“Oh whatever, you [weren’t] even in the room[.]” Here: “You weren’t” isn’t correct grammar at all... I’m pretty sure—I’m hoping—you know the rules for “I wasn’t/You weren’t/He wasn’t/They weren’t” etc, but if not, revise them. Their misuse doesn’t have a positive reflection on your writing skills. So change them before people wrongly judge you!
“Be quiet, all of you[,]” my dad commands, putting an end...
“You know[,] [D]ad, I should be going somewhere right about now[,]” [I tell him]. “Hey, why don ‘t you come with me? I have a surprise to show you[.]” I suggest putting the dialogue tag after the first sentence in this dialogue because it’s there to tell us who’s speaking and we shouldn’t read the whole speech without knowing right away. It’s better to tell us who’s said it sooner. It’s up to you, though.
“It’ll be really good[.] Trust me[,]” I assure him.
Put the line commencing “We go to our rooms to get dressed...” on a new line.
“Dad,” I try to tell him[,] “[y]ou need to put on something [nicer] looking. When you go out, you should at least try to look presentable[.]”
I’m standing at his table with a tablet waiting to take their order[,] dressed in the ugliest yellow dress and a scarf.
“This is the surprise[,]” I say, not able to take his staring...
“So,” I continue[,] “[w]hat would you like today?”
[A]s I continue listing all the not-so-flavourful dishes[--]but nice all the same[--]I notice they’re whispering to each other. I stop reading and stare at them. “Look[,] if you don’t like it, just say so[,]” I command them, not able to stand it any longer.
“Why don’t you just give us an egg omelet[te], pancakes and macaroni and cheese[,]” Hamoozee says.
“This is not brunch or whatever meal you think this is[.]”
“I want that too[,]” Kudoodee says.
“[They’re] about the only good things on the menu, so I guess I’ll have the same[,]” [h]e answers.
I’m only ten steps away from their table now, but[/.] then some lady [who looks] like the queen of England with all her jewellery and fancy closes and hairdo steps into the...
She continues walking past our table[;] only now, my family is focused on her, not me.
He finally peels his gaze from her[,] only to glance at me.
Hamoozee[,] however, looks right at me and mouths something.
The woman, who is now in the direct flight path of the second tray[,] [doesn’t] have a chance. Meanwhile, Hamoozee, who had seen the whole thing[,] had started calling [D]ad the moment he spotted me trip. He was calling him the whole time, but [D]ad just couldn’t be bothered.
The second tray with two helpings of mac and cheeses, pancakes, and eggs[/,] hit the lady from the side.
Ham[oo]zee was safely out of the way, under the table[,] when the plates made contact.
At the end of it all, [e]veryone was shouting at me [-] and what made it all so hilarious (to me) was the fact that the thing that had caused it all was a teeny, weeny marble.

Okay, so it’s all very well I list the grammatical errors, but you’d probably like some overall review and my suggestions on the whole, too. Please make sure you change what I’ve correct above though. Anyway, onto plot: there seemed to be a few loose ends such as Kudoodee’s entrance—why did you introduce him as a seemingly rude character? Perhaps you want to clear that up. Also, stretch out the scene in which Nimday announces she has a surprise; it appeared to be just for the father, and he didn’t even seem to know what was going out. Finally, strengthen how much distraction the lady caused as it was more focused on the trays and the falling than the drama source. The dad is made out to be a bad character in the end for not being bothered, so maybe address this, make it extra clear why he was distracted. Anyhow, these are small aspects that you can consider, and at the end, I enjoyed this story.

It’s short and amusing with some different characters with unique names. It has a few extra interesting side plots which add to the main drama, and you’ve written it well. The grammar errors became less as the end neared which is excellent. My main suggestion is for you to read through the entire piece out loud AND when reading novels, keep an eye out for how the authors use punctuation and grammar as without thinking, your own will be perfected. You do very well with characterisation and it appears, originality. This was an enjoyable read.

I hope this helped! Thanks for sharing.
Merry writing!

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

No, I'm not that clumsy (although I used to be). My brothers names are not that. They're derived from it (the story names are taken from their names, not the other way around). My brothers names are actually Khalid and Hamza. Thanks for reviewing the story. XD

Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on March 1, 2012
Last Updated on March 1, 2012

Author

Nima M
Nima M

head-in-the-books, NV



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Hiya fellow Writer cafe-ers. I like to keep some things private, so I will not mention a lot of things. You're welcome to review my one and only piece of writing which isn't the best. I haven't edited.. more..


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