I want to die

A poem of how I felt and how I survived

I want to die

I want to go home

Is the phrase best to describe

The light of that word feels so nice and right

I cry and clutch

My arms and my legs

As I rock myself to sleep, in pain, on my bed

I want to go home

Where is it? Who with?

I do not know

It’s a memory I have missed

The words repeat themselves,

Like a chant and a rhyme.

Its addicting, like, a bittersweet crime

My mum and dad are shouting

My life is a mess

The house is so noisy but i feel like I'm in the loch ness

Deep deep in the ocean

Drowning alone

All I want to do

Is to go home.

Is it to heaven? Is it to hell?

I am not religious, I wish I could tell

My words form around me

My tears burn my eyes

My ears start ringing

Yet I’m cold inside

I want someone's arms around me.

That's in theory,

Reality : I don’t

I want to be happy.

I should be: I wont

My life should be easy, have a house, have a car and a phone

Sometimes it deceives me from the loneliness that moans

I am so tired

So lost and so bored

Don't tell me to be happy

There's no point in it all

I want to go home

To a place of no pain

For tonight I contemplate death

In a serious serious way

I tip all the pills and clutch to my knife

Cradling it with all my dear life

Some say happy moments pass when you are close to a knife

They dont, I have tried

I see the knife as a lifeline

Ironic but not implied

For me, death is living

In this moment of pain

I am not deceiving, just plain tired from the games

I want to go home

I have seen all I can try

My home should be in heaven

If not, I’ll fine

I want to go home

Somewhere warm and cold

Somewhere I can see myself

Not far far alone

I take my bottle shaking

And chug the pills down.

It's not as blissful as I imagined,

Now I wished I had stopped.

I want to go home

But I’m glad I survived

Because home is around me

In the trees the plants and the sky

Perhaps my life isnt perfect

But it’s better to cry

To experience pain

Than to float, lost in the sky

I love you my home

Still not there but not a lie.

I love you, my life.

I’m glad I’m alive.