The Psychic Potato

Just a little something that I threw onto the page of my website a while back. Fun, but not something I'm overly precious about.

“Everybody needs something to believe in…” she says, and as I nod agreement, she continues: “And I believe that potatoes are psychic.”

She’s facing away from me, looking for milk in the fridge, so she doesn’t see the double-take that I know my face betrayed. I should have bloody known. She was far too perfect to be entirely sane.

“Uh…” I say. “Potatoes?” I open a cupboard, and look at a bag of spuds. “Like these ones? You mean they can read each other’s… minds?”

She comes over, bottle in hand, and giggles at me, as I stare at the potatoes as if they might bite me.

“No, silly… not each other’s thoughts… ours!” And she digs two fingers in my ribs, tickling me so I’ll turn to her… I try on a non-commital smile, which she seems to go for, and she says: “I don’t know about these particular ones. Some potatoes don’t seem to be as smart as others.”

And I look down into her beautiful green eyes, at her adorable smile, and think about the curve of her breasts, those wonderful breasts that I haven’t had the chance to see naked just yet, and I think: What the hell… I’ve gone along with worse for much less attractive girls than this one.

I’ve pretended to be a Christian; I’ve done a very convincing job of appearing to be into goth music; Once, and I’m not proud of it, as such, I spent a night being “suicidal”. If the blowjob I got out of that hadn’t been so good, I might not have the heart to keep playing this game.

But seriously, if you could see this girl’s a*s wriggling in a skirt like the one she wore to the office where we bot work the other day, my decision would be a no-brainer to you, too. If I can pretend to be Simon Pegg’s second cousin just to get a few hours of rolling around with that girl from the pub with the nails-on-blackboard laugh, I can manage a straight face and a round of ‘All Hail the Telepathic Tuber’ for this slightly broken angel.

So I say:

“Hm.”

And then I say:

“I suppose that makes a bit of sense…”

And then, in a genius moment of embellishment, because I’m half expecting that saucer-eyed look she’s giving me to turn into an amused ‘Gotcha!’ sneer at any second, and I want to leave myself some room to maneuver in case it turns out that she really is queen of the wind-up:

“I mean, look at that big one there; with the third eye!”

And I genuinely can’t believe that I’ve made a ‘clairvoyant potato’ joke, but her lip still curls at one side like I’m the funniest guy in the world.

“I knew you’d be different… I was so sure you’d understand!”

She leans in, rocking forward on her feet so that I can feel the warmth of her body where she’s now so close to me, her lips about to brush mine…

And then she c***s her head to one side, as if listening, and her face hardens… she looks at the bag of veg attentively, then glares at me. She slams the bottle of milk on the sideboard; the cap pops off, and milk goes everywhere.

“How could you?” she yelps… “How could you just… just humour me like that, when you don’t really believe me? Was it really just so that you can use me?”, and she leaves just long enough for me to think that she has pretty good insight for a crazy person before she is out of my flat forever, slamming the door behind her.

It takes roughly as long as it takes to clean up the spilled milk for me to go through the mourning process for the loss of her amazing body, and by the time it’s time to close the cupboards and go to bed, I’m almost totally over her.

After all, I think to myself, eyeing the three-eyed potato king behind his clear plastic baggage, she may have been all about the hotness, but she was also all about the ‘crazy’!

Tell me about it, mate… the starchy voice of the King Edward says, straight into my startled brain, You should have seen some of the bizarre, perverted s**t she was hoping to do with you, later. I’ve done you a favour getting rid of her, I reckon… Now why don’t you make me some chips…?

Author's Note

This isn't structurally the most solid thing I've written; I guess all I really need to know is whether or not people find it funny.

Reviews

[~Logic of the Valar~]

Lol, this is hilarious!!!! I love it! Witty, sarcastic, and totally from believeable place as a guy! Hehehe. Keep up the good work!