Jaime el Gringo

Run amuck

Jaime el Gringo

When I tell my friends of my upbringing, these are the reasons I knew I grew up in a unique environment:

For fun, my sister and I would slide down the stairs on our foldable, nylon, kid sized futons. There was a turn at the stairs, so every time, inevitably we would be ramming straight into the oncoming wall. This didn't faze my father.

One day my sister and I collected hundreds of acorns. We didn't know what to do with our massive collection. Normally parents would come up with a cute way to get rid of these useless pieces of s**t. Our father thought differently. We split them up into three equal ziploc bags and decided to play war. We each got a pair of goggles and our ziploc bags of acorns and ran around the house slinging these earthly gifts at each other. Again, this was our dad's idea.

The first concert I went to was Meatloaf. I was seven. My dad, sister and I walked into the concert to catch Meatloaf finish his story, concluding "and I walked into the living room and there were my parents; just f*****g on the sofa!!!" It was kinda awkward. You know...because I was seven years old. I thought that was cool when I was seven. I still think this is cool and I am twenty five.

Every year my dad would take my sister and I Cindy to Costa Rica. It was always tons of fun because of all the great adventures we got to go on. Dad doesn't drink, but he loves that legal drug of adrenaline. So when the pueblos annual fiesta offered amateur bull fighting, he of course, had to do it. The townspeople (that is the generic term for residents of a town in a third world country; condescending of course, but how else to I call them??? Fine...the citizens of the glorious town of Grecia, Costa Rica) of Grecia loved this s**t. They called him "Jaime el Gringo" (Costa Ricans are known for their witty, subtle, ironic nicknames). They looooved "Jaime el Gringo" or "Jamie the Gringo" for those of you who have never walked out of their cave to experience anything in pop culture.

Jaime el Gringo really loved appeasing the crowd by running up and pulling the bulls tail or patting it heterosexually on the buttocks. Costa Ricans would get fuccckkkeed up in the ring, but not Jaime el Gringo. Jaime el Gringo was impervious to the weak beasts their referred to as "Torros". I don't know, it was probably an American thing. It was in Jaime's blood. When the bulls would run at the townspeople, they would run for cover and dive under the stadiums floor boards. But sometimes the floor boards would get in the way. And thats when they'd get fucked sideways. Imagine running full speed for cover (also imagine that you are like 5'3", shuck sugar cane for a living and have like 8 kids to support and not American) and right as you dive under the stadium floor SLAMMMM!!! You realize that you missed, but only for a split second, because obviously by now you would be out cold. Like a straight up b***h. Done.

Well anyway, Jaime el Gringo had no such problems. Until the story I tell now:

Some drunk guy convinced Jaime to hold that red thing that Matadors have to anger the bull. (Note: This happened 17 years ago and to this day I have either been too lazy or dumb to remember the official title to that death making device). So Jaime el Gringo took the challenge like the Man that he is. And the crowd went willlllddd! I'm talking straight up 'ignorant Mob style from Gladiator' wild. Some bystanders ( punk a*s b*****s who didn't have the cojones to join the real MEN) mentioned how stupid this was, but I didn't understand them because I was eight and I still hadn't grasped the english alphabet, let alone the dead barbaric language of Spanish. So I don't even know if that's what they said.

So it actually went just like you'd imagine. All the men in the rink gave Jaime el Gringo room as the bull stood face to face with my father about twenty yards for him. Now I have to ask you: Have you ever been hunting? (Probably not) Soooo You know that 30 seconds before you kiss a girl (and you're not drunk) and how you are contemplating whether or not she wants to kiss you?(Hopefully) You know that ridiculous amount of adrenaline shooting through your veins that makes you want to both s**t yourself and jump for never-ending joy. Well thats called F**k Bever. Jaime got such F**k Bever that he went catatonic. This resulted in Jaime el Gringo seeing a one second video of his whole life. The bull came and Jaime didn't put the red thing to the left or the right he put it in the center. Or, he just left the red thing in front of his body. The bull devoured his human stomping hunger and took it out on Jaime. And just as you would imagine: GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL. The Latin Crowd went nuts, like it was a damned sporting event. They were not concerned for my father, they were too caught up in their a*s backward ecstasy that they didn't give a s**t about my father's wellbeing. They were like those douchbags who only watch NASCAR for the crashes or Hockey for the Fights, or Porn for the sex...DOUCHEBAGS. Culture less pricks. My sister nine and me eight balled our innocent eyeballs out. "Oh its just a joke,'' our Grecian friends told us "It's just a game''. Ummm, I am eight years old and even I was dumbfounded by this third world ignorance. Jokes and games don't result in Daddy bleeding from his f*****g ears! Hey Grecian lets play a game, it's called "How many times can I punch in you the mouth until all your teeth fall out?!?!? I am going to guess about 10,000 because I am EIGHT". But you keep the actual count.

The ambulance came and took a look at Jaime el Gringo. He was fine. Okay so they got their laughs and Dad's fine...good. Thank you b*****s. Good night.

The next morning Jaime el Gringo was taking a s**t. While taking a s**t, he sneezed. Jaime el (forty year old grown a*s man who hasn't cried from pain since he was six) Gringo almost passed out from pain...and then he almost cried. He almost cried because the ribs that he didn't know were cracked finally seperated as a result of the seismic impact of his sneeze. People don't seperate their ribs by just jokes and games. Unless of course its called "Smack a B***h in the ribs with sugar cane" because it's a game I just invented and the joke is on you. Because you're the b***h. Wanna play?