Not Today

 

Today

I know that I won’t hold you in my arms,

Won’t watch you fall asleep and gently kiss your face,

Because you always fall asleep

before I do.

And that’s okay.

And you won’t tell me everything about your day,

And I won’t kiss your tears away

when you are sad.

Won’t take a nap.

You’ll sit in someone else’s lap,

And that’s okay.

 

Now I won’t play

with your kitchen, and watch you drive

and curse at other drivers.

Won’t see you get excited

About music and play

guitar for me,

Won’t see you tap your feet unconsciously

as you

sing into microphone, your voice,

it fills the room and makes it speechless.

Won’t see you every day,

Make sure you’re safe and happy.

It’s okay.

 

We won’t drink wine and tell how much we

love each other,

and promise that we’ll always be together,

No matter what.

All of these things we won’t.

 

***

 

But I will see you in a glass of wine

that I’ll be drinking with my friends.

The ones I bought for you and I.

I’ll hear you in Beyoncé songs,

guitar and music, songs you sang.

And in my freshly painted nails (including corners).

I’ll see you in the water bottle

You gave me. Green �" your color.

I’ll see you in the sky and stars,

Cassiopeia constellation.

I’ll see you in the summer grass

and hills,

in all the places we were sinners.

I’ll see you in the water of an ocean.

Fireworks. And people’s weird body motions.

I’ll breathe you in with my cold lotion

and warm vanilla scents. And wooden beeds.

And little kids.

They make me think of you.

 

Now someone else will hold you. Kiss you.

Make love to you and you’ll

love someone else.

And someone else will dry

your tears and keep you warm in winter.

We never made it to the winter.

We never made it to your birthday.

We never made it.

 

***

 

You will be you.

I will be me.

And our roads

will slowly

Drive apart and you will be my

bitter-sweet old memory,

And when I will be asked

About

first love, I’ll shrug my shoulders.

Try to forget, pretend I don’t remember,

Try so hard

Until I actually forget, -

And then one day

It’ll be okay.

But not today.