-Nyky 6

Everything just kind of hits you at night when you're just lying there; your mind is racing; your body is tired after a long day, because nowadays, every single day is long and weary. It's pitch black, no light except the few little ones from your computer and the cracks in the door that you never notice unless you're looking for them. And you keep lying there, your eyes probably closed, but you can't tell because of how dark it is. Not that it matters because you can't sleep either way. You're too busy thinking about… Well, everything. You're thinking about how your day went and what you could've done differently to make it to where you wouldn't be ready keel over and die and about how you just can't wait for the day when all of your responsibilities just vanish, so you don't have to worry about doing your homework in the morning because trying to do it late at night makes it easier for you to just break down. And then you think about her. Her. You think about that girl who makes it easier for you to get through the day, even when he's making it so much f*****g harder. And he does. He makes your definition of a good day most people's definition of a bad one and your definition of a bad day most people's definition of a day where there's just no hope anymore. And you know it isn't his fault that you fell for him, but it isn't his responsibility to try and fix you either. Only your's. But she's trying so hard for you, for you. She acts like you're her number one person to take care of, and you love that. You love that she cares about you, but as you lay in the pitch black, you realize you're getting attached, and you're scared of it. The last time you let yourself get attached, you got destroyed.

But you know what? F**k you. You are not f*****g allowed to mess this up for yourself. You are not allowed. She is not someone you can just let slip away because you don't want to put in the effort to be happy. She is f*****g worth the effort. It doesn't matter that you're more comfortable being sad; it doesn't matter that you're scared that you are going to finally be okay and then everything will go to s**t; it doesn't f*****g matter that he makes you feel like s**t because you are not f*****g allowed to let her go. She helps; she doesn't make you feel like you're ready to keel over and die. It doesn't f*****g matter that he may have not done it intentionally, making you feel the way you did, because he still f*****g did it. He still hurt you. And she wants to help you, even though you are not her responsibility. She wants to care about you, and you are not allowed to succumb to your naïve, selfish, childish f*****g whims in your thinking that you aren't f*****g allowed to be happy. You are not allowed to succumb to your fear of getting hurt because she shouldn't have to be punished for what he did. She wants to help, and d****t, you are gonna let her because you are not going to let that fear conquer you. F**k you.

F**k you.

F**k you.

You are not allowed to f**k this up.

-Nyky 6

Author's Note

Kind of a thing to myself. I'm really mad at myself for a lot of shit...

Nyky 6 is a nickname someone gave me, and I've kind of turned it into a part of me that is sick of letting me hold myself back, I guess...