Into Battle With You

Esme has to make a shocking decision about where her life is going

       "Come back." His words echoed in my head as I entered my bedroom. I slowly pulled the curtains over my windows, leaving the only light the one hanging over my bed. "Come back." I reached up and flipped the lightswitch. A faint light caused my curtains to glow, but other than that, my room was full of sultry, gray, darkness. "Come back." It echoed one more time. I crawled into my unmade bed and pulled my velvet comforter over my shoulders, though I wasn't really cold. I took a deep breath, staring straight ahead at the Guest Chair.

        I bought the Guest Chair at a yard sale. It was in perfect condition. My college roommate Cindy and I both pitched in twenty-five dollars for it. We had put it in the corner of our dorm room, and there it sat for four years. It was about five feet in diameter, and was a hemisphere. Cindy used to smoke, and sometimes when I sit in the Guest Chair I can still smell it. Beneath the smell of his cologne.

        After college she let me keep it as she was moving into an apartment with her husband and didn't have space for it. I kept it as a keepsake of my college days. For a long time, it sat empty in my apartment as I had no company. But then...

        "Come back." He whispered in my memory. I turned over in my bed so I was facing the wall. I shut my eyes. I wasn't tired. "Esme." He said. "Come back." I turned back over in my bed so I could see the Guest Chair again. I imagined him sitting there and-in my mind- he was. It hurt me to see his face. His short blonde hair that had faded to a dirty color with the lack of sun. His brown eyes, still visible in the darkness. "Come back." He said. Tears swarmed to my eyes with a burst of anger.

       "No!" I snapped at him. From an outsider's perspective I would've looked like a crazy woman, snapping at her chair. Maybe I was crazy. But I have a feeling I'm not the only one that has conversations with people who aren't there.

       "Why do you put yourself through this without reason? Just come back."

       "You think it's without reason?!" I growled. "All you ever do is hurt me!" I took a breath and said a little quieter. "All you'll ever do is hurt me." I buried my face in my pillow and let some of the tears out before turning back to him.

       "You're scared." Felix said.

       "Damn right I'm scared! I'm not the one that hurting me! Or at least...I don't hurt without reason. I hurt for you! I bend over backwards for you! I suffer to stay with you and when it's over I hurt even more. And when do you suffer for me!? Never!" I let out a couple sobs and continued. "I love you." I said. "How I love you." I squeezed my pillow taking a couple of breaths. I felt Imaginary Felix's fingers twist through my hair. I always liked it when he did that. But today I put my pillow over the back of my head to cover my hair.

       "Just leave me alone!" I exclaimed.

       "I will." He said in my head. "I'll leave you all alone. I'll leave you alone today and any other time you decide to leave me. And I won't chase you. I won't sit up leaving messages on your answering machine and writing letters that tell you that I love you and tell you to come home. I'll do absolutely nothing." I pulled the pillow off of me so I could look him in his imaginary face. Such a sweet endearing face. "But you know Esme, that regardless of what I do or don't do, you'll come back." I set my pillow down on my bed and sat up. I pushed my hair out of my face and stopped imagining him for a minute. I took a deep breath and let it out.

       He was right...or I was right. It had always been that way. Life with him was a fairy tale. I was the princess and he was the noble white knight constantly seeking my affections. Slaying dragons like bills and bosses. But I was the one he fought for, and I was more than happy to be his damsel in distress. Until those days when the dragons are too big, too strong. It was then that my knight would sit with me and watch them burn my world down, both of us knowing that there was nothing we could do. Dragons with names like The Future and Marriage and A Family. In those moments it would become clear that either he was going to stand with me and fight everything that life would throw at us, or I'd need to find someone that would.

        People have told me that if I've found the right person, the future is easy to face. Maybe I was just asking for something that he couldn't promise to me. Settling down is a struggle neither one of us ever thought would be a problem when we first met. When I first met Felix it was all fun but now, everything was serious. What happened? We met back when the Present was our biggest dragon and now it was an even larger, more mysterious, deadlier one. The Future.

       "Come back." Imaginary Felix said again, reappearing next to my bed. I stared at him a minute. Come back. It was a demand without promises. What if I went back and things don't change? What if you still aren't ready to start a life with me? How long am I supposed to wait?

        "I love you." He said to me. I had never believed anything more. And I had never felt stronger in my feelings for a person than what I felt for Felix. I gave up on that day, turned over in my bed, and closed my eyes until I fell asleep.

        I woke to the sound of a doorbell ringing. I had no idea what time it was. I didn't even open my eyes until I recognized the rhythm the repetitions of the doorbell made.

       Diiing-di-di-ding-ding pause ding ding.

       I smiled in spite of myself. Then I forced it off my face, remembering the events of earlier today.

       "Should I open it?" I thought to myself. But before I could even argue with myself, I was out of my bed, running through my apartment, and had put my hand on the door knob. I gave one last ought to my conversation with Imaginary Felix. If what was going through my head was correct, then the decision to go back was up to me. But to then it crossed my mind that he was just here to pick up some things from my apartment, god knows how much of his stuff I had. I took a few deep breaths, convincing myself that he wasn't here to get me back. And besides, I wasn't sure if I wanted him back. He had hurt me over and over and over again. Why was this going to be different? I let the smile fall from my face, allowing myself to deal with the reality. He wouldn't be here to take me back. He could be here for a million reasons.

        Diiing-di-di-ding-ding pause ding ding.

        I couldn't take it a second longer, I grabbed the door handle and -stopping myself from moving too fast- slowly opened the door.

        What I saw, I would never forget.

        "Don't talk." Felix said. "Just let me talk. Esme, I know things have been difficult for you for these past few months. And I know just how f*****g difficult life is going to be after this. But I don't care. Because I love you. And those words are so overused that I wish I there were some other way to say it. And I'm not afraid of the future. I mean... I will be... if I don't get to face it with you. And right now, I'm gonna make a promise. I will never leave you. I will never regret you. I will never let you go. So please, take this and believe me when I say I will never break this promise.  Because it's a promise to the most important person in my life. I want to slay all the dragons with you. As long as you pick up your sword too."

        I stared at the ring in his hand.