I Woke Wanting to be Asleep

It’s dark. I’m awake, but asleep. I am able to think, but I feel nothing. It feels like I’m at peace. It feels… wonderful. But then, reality kicks in.

I can feel the blood rush through my veins as the sense of feeling rapidly returns to my body, and a throbbing pain surges in my head. In the far distance, I hear the soft melody of a classical symphony, car engines and a siren.

Where am I?

I manage to open my eyes, but quickly shut them again, startled by the bright light coming from the ceiling lamp. I turn my head sideways and open my eyes again. I notice that I am on a bed in a bright white room, surrounded by flower bouquets, cards and teddy bears. The space almost makes me claustrophobic. My vision keeps blurring, making it hard to take up all of my surroundings. To my right I hear the steady beeping of what seems to be a heart monitor. It’s then that I realize that I’m in a hospital.

Wait… Flowers, bears and cards? Did I give birth?

 

I try to push myself upright to get a better view of the room I’m in. A severe pain shoots through my right arm, causing me to drop back onto the bed. I slide my left hand down my right arm. My fingers come across infusion tubes and stop abruptly at the feeling of stitches on my wrist.

Damn.

As I lie on my back, counting the endless beeps of the heart monitor, my eyes become heavy and I pass out again.

Worthless. You’re worthless. WORTHLESS.

I jerk awake, shivering and covered in my own sweat. My eyes bolt around the room, trying in vain to find the origin of that nightmare.

Why am I here? This isn’t what was supposed to happen… I don’t want to stay here any longer!

I struggle to get off of the bed, but my limbs feel as if they weigh tons and refuse to cooperate.

I scream out of frustration.

 

A door to my left swings open. I immediately turn my head towards it, my eyes wide with desperation. A nurse comes running in, followed by two familiar faces.

Jesse. Mom.

Jesse looks angry, but scared at the same time. “What the hell, man!” he yells. What is wrong with you!?”

I ignore him and look at my mother.

She just stares me with her hand covering her mouth, crying in silence.

Jesse starts walking up and down the room, pulling at his own hair and muttering into his fist. My eyes follow his every move.

“Say something…” he whispers, barely noticeable.

“I… I don’t…” I stutter. 

He’s suddenly becomes furious.

“You don’t what?! You’re so f*****g selfish? What about us? You can’t just decide to leave us behind!”

My mom walks up to him and lays a hand on his shoulder in attempt to calm him.

“Jesse…”

“NO!”

He starts crying.

“You can’t just leave me. You can’t… It has always been you and I. Who am I going to hang out with? Who am I going to talk to if you’re not there, Kevin? I’ll be all alone…”

My mom walks towards me and lays a hand on my leg.

“We really love you, honey. And we want to be there for you. I can’t say your father and I can completely understand what you’re going through, but we’ll do our best if you would just talk to us.”

I speechlessly stare at them, sigh, and lower my head back onto the pillow behind my back. Tears distort my vision. They’re right, it was selfish of me; I was planning on leaving behind all the other people who care about me.

Jesse wipes away his tears with the back of his wrist and marches towards me and braces onto the edge of the bed.

“Look at me.”

I ignore him and stare at the ceiling, infuriating him even more.

He smacks the mattress with both fists.

“Look at me!!”

I start crying harder.

“Stop, please…” I whisper.

It’s all too much for me to handle at the moment. I start feeling light headed.

I turn my head towards him, barely able to keep my eyes open.

As I start losing consciousness, he asks the question I was so afraid of; the question that would make me relive all the memories again.

 

“Does she really mean that much to you, that the fact that she is out of your reach makes you want to end it all?”

Author's Note

I started this story almost two years ago, but never got to finishing it. Thoughts?