The cat got a bird

My fat cat caught a bird and brings it into the house at dinner time. Total mayhem.

I love my kitchen window. I can gaze outside into my backyard. It has nice shade trees that attract squirrels and birds. I’ve added bird feeders so I can watch birdies flutter back and forth while I cook.

Did I mention I have a cat? What! You have a cat yet you place bird feeders within spitting distance of your house? Don’t you care about the birdies? Of course I do. But my cat is fat, dumb and I assume, happy. Rarely does she evacuate our bed.  I fear not for my winged friends. So I didn’t think twice about opening the back door of the kitchen to let in some welcomed fresh air while cooking fish. I had just pulled out of the oven four perfectly cooked filets when a ruckus ensued from the backyard. Then the cat darted into the house with a fat huge cardinal in her jowls.

“Oh no!” I cried. “GET THE CAT!”

The men of the household, my husband and two teenage sons were watching TV when the cat zoomed past them with her prize.

“Hello?? Can’t you see the cat has a bird? I have dinner on the stove and the cat has a bird!” I cried.

“Cool mom, you won’t have to feed her,” said my oldest son.

“It’s about time that cat earned her keep,” said my husband.

“No, they earn their keep by killing mice, not the song birds!” I growled. “Help me catch the cat!”

Now anyone who is cat owner will appreciate the humor behind the declaration “Catch the cat” when said cat possesses a bird. The feline will suddenly take on super-human abilities such as Herculean strength and the skill of flight. My youngest son steps up to assist with tears in his eyes.

“But mom, why did you leave the door open? Now she’s killed a bird! How could you?”

“Save the guilt trip and catch the cat!” I said.

The cat dove behind the couch. Husband and older son flip couch forward jettisoning couch cushions across coffee table knocking over knick-knacks and one empty glass, which shatters. Cat with bird performs evasive maneuvers and pops out by her seven-foot cat tree and scrambles up to the top perch. Youngest son reaches blindly up on top of cat tree and pulls his hand away, bloodied.

“She clawed me!” he wailed. “She’s killing a bird and she clawed me!”

His older brother proceeds to tip the cat tree forward. The cat, drunken with kitty killing prowess, leaps across his head and bounces off husband’s chest who is laughing uncontrollably.

The cat dropped the cardinal, which we all had given up for dead, recoils to life and begins ricocheting off the walls in desperate flight to escape the mayhem.

Cat flies through air mere inches from her prey in hot pursuit. Bird flies down the hall. Bird flies into bedrooms. Bird flies into kitchen and lands on top of my Tilapia fish dish, ruining it.

My husband and sons run in circles screaming like women. I see one crazed cat, eyes glazed over. I see my ruined dinner. I pick up my broom, take aim at the bird, and hit it out the opened door where it flew away, no worse for wear.

Silence falls across the room as tiny down feathers swirl in the air. I ordered pizza as my sons clean up broken glass. I had my husband move the bird feeders away from the house.

I love my kitchen window but maybe it’s time for curtains.

Author's Note

Funny? Are you in the room? Let me know...