WORTHLESS

Ben, an everyday teenager faces a battle with depression, self-harm and anxiety disorders. Life becomes an unbearable task, emotions are unstable; his life is at stake.

Ben is sat on his bed, surrounded by used razor blades and tissues covered in blood. Head in his lap and hands on his face, with nails slightly digging into his skin, almost as if wanting to rip his own face off with anger and upset. Becoming overpowered by the dark thoughts of his own mind, he begins to spiral deep into a depressive state.

 

Here I am. The slashes on my arms gushing with crimson blood. Unloved and unwanted. Worthless. I don’t even know why I’m here, nobody wants me here; nobody really cares. Everybody is quick to judge. They see me and think that the smile on my face is real; it’s not. The only reason I smile is because of the pills, without them I wouldn’t be here right now. I always used to hate the idea of taking pills, the idea of fake happiness being placed into your body. They don’t really work, they only hide the pain for a few hours, but underneath the cheerful smile the pills create, underneath that mask is the self-loathing suicidal freak that is my inner self. The pills are addictive though, and soon I fear I may overdose and force myself into complete mental instability. 

 

Most of the time, I can’t bear my life. I have too much to think about, too much to worry about. People terrify me, voices haunt me; life scares me. There’s no escape, no way out of this hell. I’ve made many mistakes in my life, all of which I regret, but my biggest mistake, is you.

 

*Picks up an old photograph from his past relationship and begins to speak as if his ex was sat there listening to him talk.

 

Almost every day I think of you, not always nice thoughts either. Some good thoughts, then some filled with pure hatred towards myself, and you. I don’t even know what I think of you, my mind is a complete mess, but all I know is that I screwed your life up, and regret it. I always screw everything up that’s good in my life. There’s not one part of me that I don’t despise. You will never trust me again will you? I’ve messed it up once, I’ll mess it up a thousand times. To tell the truth, you confuse me, and there’s nothing I can do. I will never make you happy, I’ll never be the perfection you want, the perfection society wants. I will forever remain lonely and unstable. Forever.

 

I dream of death. Not nightmares, dreams. My heartbeat is a countdown, one muscle has to stop and that’s it, it’s all over. It is all so simple yet so complicated, and since losing you my heart feels like the countdown is already over. I overthink way too much, my head is constantly shadowed by thoughts. I’m drowning in them, suffocating. I’m not myself anymore, I’m a silhouette of what the world wants me to be, but I’m empty inside. The only emotions I feel are negative, the only time I was ever on a high and positive about life was when I had you, now I have nothing and I’m haunted by the constant cry of suicide in the back of my mind. You were the only thing that could make me happy, the only thing that could stabilize my mind.

 

Everything is my fault; I take the blame. I might as well take the blame. Then the blame will die with me, so at least you can live happily ever after, in a world in which I’m not involved.

 

 

I need therapy. I need help. But somehow I don’t believe that anything anyone could ever say to me would straighten me out, nothing would work. Nothing but the sight of your smiling face, the sound of your comforting voice, and the touch of your soft skin could cure me. But now you’ve moved on, you’ve moved on to a life of sublime happiness, a life without me, a life without us. I suppose that’s how the world works though, people stick around for a while, and then they’re suddenly gone, removed so simply like petals from a flower, everything is taken away. Things change, people change, but I will forever remain like this. In this dreaded state of self-hatred and loneliness.

 

*One day has passed in time, and Ben looks over his progress since his last state of depression. Ben is in his bedroom once again, pacing around the room, and every so often looking at his ‘collection’ of razor blades in his drawer.

 

The pills no longer work; my fear of becoming immune to them has become a reality. My false happiness is over, which should be a good thing, but I’m spiraling out of control, plummeting towards my death. The countdown to my demise has begun.

 

My life is taking one giant drop further into a pit of hell without the pill. The pill; that one thing I always blamed, but always needed in my life. Without it I am nothing. It could be the pill, or it could be you. I have no realization leading me to this discovery, so for now it’s both. You were my pill. You were my happiness. Not fake happiness, real exhilarating joy and love. Now without you, without my pill, I am nothing but an emotional, physical mess.

 

I know what you’re all thinking, everyone is the same; you all say you don’t judge anyone but I know you are all judging me. I feel like I am constantly being monitored by society; judging every mental and physical choice I make, every thought, every sentence, and every action. Do you think I choose to be this way? No one will ever understand what it’s like, I’m slowly, subconsciously pushing everyone and everything I’ve ever cared about away from me.

 

*One more day has passed; Ben is once again in his room, sat holding the photograph of his past relationship. A slight smile comes to his face, as Ben is coming to the realization needed to cure his state. Ben quickly shuts the drawer of razor blades as a sign of dismissal to the urge of cutting.

 

I can feel the clarity right now. My mind has reached a sudden epiphany; a brainwave. I see my life without the implications of the pill. I see hell for what it really is; planet Earth. Life is not a PG feel-good movie. Real life almost always has a bad ending. Society tries to document this reality, while showing us it is still possible for us to endure nobly and come out with a happy ending like in all the movies. Here on Earth lies the monstrosity that is our society, the devil that is my inner self, and then the beautiful secret that is you. I need you in my life, even with the hate I have towards you, the suffering you have caused me, and the intolerable pain my mentality has taken from losing you. There’s nothing more I have to say to you, nothing more than what I should have said all along, the one thing that I can say honestly without feeling pain and anxiety.

 

*Ben comes to a sudden halt and stands in the middle of his bedroom, speaking his next words fairly slowly, but for the first time showing confidence in his speech.

 

 I love you.