The good, the bad and the very very ugly

The good, the bad and the very very ugly

A Story by onetimeweb

A small view into the world of online dating. Its not finished but would be interested in peoples views


The first time I joined an online dating site I was full of excitement, apprehension but mostly hope!  How very wrong I was…..

The following stories are a collection of messages and dates that myself and friends, friends of friends and friends of friends of friends have experienced.  Some are great but most are truly awful, embarrassing and hilariously memorable. All names have been changed in order to protect those written about but every story is 100% true.

This is by no means a self-help book or a “how to date online ” but just a place you can visit at any point especially when you feel you have had the worst date ever…trust me someone has always had it worse.  But it’s also a book that will make you laugh, a book you can share with your friends but hopefully a book that will restore your faith in online dating because as the title suggests in this book is the bad, the very very ugly but also the good!



60 messages are sitting in my inbox 24 hours after I joined my first online dating site.  I was excited, flattered and couldn’t wait to read all the witty and clever remarks from the men who had I assumed spent time reading my online profile….yeah right!  Most websites actually notify you if someone views your profile and the amount of men that message you from just looking at your profile picture without reading anything about you is astounding.  So the cull commences and you start by deleting the 20 or so people that messaged you without a profile picture. I’m not shallow but you have to question why they have no picture and essentially with online dating you can’t go on a natural chemical reaction you get when you meet someone so it comes down to the basics of are they attractive in there picture, how tall are they and do they have a job.  That really is the parameters you tend to work in.

Then you delete the 10 or so that send you a message that just says “HI”.  I mean seriously, what the f**k am I meant to do with that? Or the one’s that say “What’s a girl like you doing on here?” Erm…I’m juggling? I’m here for the same reasons as you but I’m definitely not here to message you back after that original opener.

So now we’re down to roughly 30, minus at least 15 who have what I like to call “Red flag user names” of “longthickthrobbing”, “poundyougood”,  “ChokeNstroke” or my personal favourite “muffdiver69”

Less the 5 who either offer you a c**k picture or are asking for a naked selfie and your down to 10!  From 60 potential connections down to 10!  That’s when your heart drops a bit…..but nothing prepares you for what’s ahead.

Having said all that my first foray into the world of online dating was exciting.  I loved reading people’s profiles, some terrible, some very funny and some just copied and pasted from someone else’s profile.  I was constantly getting déjà vu and thinking I had read this profile before…..more often than not it was because I had.  However you do have to remember people can write anything, I used to take a lot of stock in what people wrote on their profile then I realised most of it was horseshit or written at 2am after a drunken night out.  So I decided to search for who I found attractive based on their profile picture and see if there was any connection once we started chatting.  Whilst you are searching though, so are many others and it’s during this time you get messages from other members.  They vary from the witty and flattering to the disturbing.  So first comes the bad and the very very ugly….

From Bigdaddy73:

Monday 10am: Hi gorgeous-message ignored

Tuesday 1.20pm: Hi beautiful-message ignored

Wedsnesday 11.30pm: Hi sexy-message ignored

Thursday 4.30pm: Hi princess-message ignored

Friday 11.20am: You f*****g b***h

Message replied to: “You’re an idiot”

Bigdaddy: I was only joking


Blacknight: Can I smash your back doors in-message ignored


Domsub83: You have amazing eyes, they are very submissive would you be interested in a sub/dom relationship with me being the Dom and you the sub

Message reply: It’s not something I’ve thought about but I am curious, how does it work?

Domsub83: You are basically my slave, you have to do everything I tell you too.  I will tell you what hotel we meet in, what you must wear and you must be clean shaven at all times.  You must only speak when spoken to and at all times you are to call me master and if you are replying to a message you must write master in capitals.

Message reply: ok

Domsub83: MASTER

Message reply: ok master

Domsub83: In capitals

Message reply: F**k this


Monkeyswinger: I read your profile and so glad you hate bananas like me. Although I do still eat them and just try to stop myself gagging or being sick as I do.-message ignored…seriously you’re an adult, you have a choice, step away from the bananas


Nightcrawler: Can you tell me where you live, leave your door on the latch, I’ll sneak in, give you oral sex then sneak out-message ignored


Mellowyellow: You have the kind of face that should be pissed on-message ignored once I had vomited slightly in my mouth


Blindmansbluff: Wow you are so gorgeous my eyes just popped out of my head do you know a surgeon that can pop them back in


Musicalchairs: Do you want to come round to mine for a drink?  I haven’t got any chairs but you can sit on my face-message ignored (who said romance dead)


Origanal1980: Do you come here often?


Daddywarbucks: I know I’m a lot older then you but I have a black American express


Randomwarrior: I love bananas and hate marmite, I am down to earth-message ignored….I coukdn’t possibly date someone down to earth


Therapistintraining: Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumours and even death! So for my health and yours, just say yes!-Message ignored..I think I like the sound of an ulcer to be honest



11.30am: Hi you’re so hot I would burn my lips if we kissed-message ignored

12.15pm: Your eyes are like the bright blue sky-messaged ignored

12.46pm: I will be your king and you can be my queen-message ignored

1.08pm: We would make beautiful babies-message ignored

1.13pm: I know you looked at my profile so why are you ignoring me-message ignored

1.34pm: Not interested then?-message ignored….sometimes persistence does not always pay..instead you look like a crazy stalker


Seekhelpasap: Yummy yummy in my tummy I wish I could call you my mummy-No words…literally nothing


Batmanorrobin: Kerpow, I just hit you with the love stick…have you got anywhere I can put it? Message ignored-I can think of a million places you can put it but near me is not one of them.+


BLTBrett: Hey my names Brett my mates call me footlong if u know what I meanFace with stuck-out tongue and winking eyeand not the subway kind  no cheese and herb here sweetheart hope your weekend is going well if u fancy a blt(big long throbbing) then place your order and select your salad and sauce speak soon btw do you have loyalty card Grinning face with smiling eyes


Classic-oneliner: If you fancy a chat send me a BT says..its good to talk (you literally could not make it up)


Mastermind99: How are you? Where do you live? What’s your favourite cake? Do you like shoes? Do you prefer cats or dogs? How’s your day going? What music do you like? Have you ever been skiing? Where’s the best place you have been? Do you like tea or coffee? What star sign are you? Have you got any brothers or sisters? Anyway drop me a quick message back when you get chance.  Message ignored…a quick message?  My eggs will definitely be all dried up by the time I answer all of those questions


On a side note some of us can also send awful first messages, a lady sent this to someone who’s username was fantasticmrfox in his profile he mentioned being well travelled so she came up with what she thought would be a witty first message and instead demonstrated the perils of autocorrect:

“You should change your username….everyone knows Fantastic Mr Fox is not well travelled and only wee comes out his hole for cider and chickens” Obviously she meant he not wee…strangely enough she never received a reply!




© 2016 onetimeweb

Author's Note

Please note this is not finished and I know the presentation/lay out needs work but would be interested to hear peoples thoughts

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Added on October 8, 2016
Last Updated on October 8, 2016
Tags: dating, humour, online, real-life, reality



United Kingdom

Serial online dater looking to share my funny experiences of online dating. I also write poetry and random thoughts more..