You are your own Ruler.. Not Cancer or a Feeding Tubes..

Have you ever been that scared about someone

you love.

To the point, you are so worried that they would

do something stupid and risk their own life.

For the sake of something in their own mind and

the heart they believe in.

I can honestly say. I do.

I lived that fear today.

My hubby has cancer stage 2 in the throat and was losing

weight and was told to put weight on or else.

Feeding tube inserts in the nose and into the stomach.

His greatest fear is anything to do with his mouth and throat

in general.

So as you can guess. Throat cancer. Really kicked him in

the teeth with that one.

So the last few days. He has been trying so hard to put weight

on with protein drinks and soft food. To which for someone with

throat cancer is far from easy. I can tell.

So today was the big day to find out if he had put weight on. Or

else feeding tube was getting done for him.

And he was actually going to refuse treatment. Due to his major fear

and anxiety of all.

Thankfully he put weight on.

But that fear and anxiety.  We both felt was hellish, beyond words.

To say the least.

As I would not go against his wishes. Of no feeding-tube. As I am

not his keeper or ruler. He is his own boss. And he is entitled to his

own feelings. Even with this cursed disease called Cancer.

He is living this nightmare.

I am alone for the wicked ride.

Reviews

[Crowley]

It is hard to be stuck in the middle like that, knowing that we cannot force someone to do something that they don't want to, especially when it is a life or death situation. Fear is what consumes us, on both sides of that spectrum, once we realize that control is an illusion, it doesn't make it easier, but it helps make sense of it. We just can't control s**t. So sorry you are going through all of this. Lots of love and kkep writing, I think it really does help!

[Onlyme]

Exactly Crowley. Who am I to say. He must have this and that done. I am just so glad the Doctor was understand and he put the weight on. Still has to put the weight on more. To help him in general. But at least. He is happier for today. I been so sick with worry last few days. And he was on a major downwards spiral due to this fear and phobia of his and feeding-tube. If it ever came to it. I know I would never push him. Not my nature Crowley. Others might think. What a b***h. Not forcing him against his will. But to me that is evil to make someone do something they don't want.

[Crowley]

I believe you have the right train of thought. We always say we want things on our terms when it comes to decisions about us. I think that is appropriate.

[Onlyme]

exactly Crowley

[Closed]

this is a sad reality. this is a personal poem and touched my heart dearly. i have watched my loved ones struggle with stage four cancer- my grandma with breast. this brought some painful memories but made me grateful for each breath we take

[Onlyme]

I am so sorry Patrick that I upset you. Never meant no harm. I was just so upset over this and had to express myself and let people know this is reality and suffering. And can't be pushed under the carpet. As everyone needs love and understandment and people to listen to them. Even when they are really hurting. I am so sorry for your grandma. Stage 4 is bad. I feel your pain.

[Closed]

its all right. somethings need to be unburied. its better to face them than run from them

[Onlyme]

Thanks for being undestanding.

[Closed]

of course :)

[Onlyme]

Thank you Patrick.

[Eve]

I really like the message and the story of these words. It is clear that you only want to help him get better, but you only support him instead of forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do. Both of you are struggling with this, but the way you are taking it in, through your own form of coping, is really amazing. What you are doing is really brave, and I hope things get better for you both. Stay strong, we're here for you.

[Onlyme]

Exactly Eve, only want to help him. Not cause him more stress or discomfort. He is suffering enought in general without added stress and woes. I just want people to see and realize. Loving someone is not always easy. And when they are in dire stress due to suffering of cancer or some form of illness. They need us more to understand and listen to them. Because if we dont care who will.

[Eve]

That is really amazing, and I completely agree with you. More often than not people who are hurting and struggling just want someone to talk to. I really like that, "Because if we don't care who will." This is so very true.

[Onlyme]

Exactly Eve. thanks for understand me.

[Eve]

Thank you for sharing.