HallOWeen ?

A short story that actually gives me the creeps when I am home-alone, especially at night!

It was six in the evening. I had just bade my parents ‘good bye’ and had settled down lazily on the sofa in the living room with my Hindi Text casually resting over my knees.  I was annoyed….I could only be annoyed! My dad’s colleague had invited us to their new countryside farm house for a small get-together and my stupid tests had to play spoil-sport! Understand, Hindi has never been my forte and the fact that I would have to sit and rot with it while my parents would have a great time ahead, was simply agonizing!  Anyway, mom and dad would be back only at seven in the morning.  The only comfort was that tomorrow being 31^st October would be a half-a-day session at school and so I can come back from school and finish off the ‘Christie’ I was reading.

Outside, the weather was terrible.  The winds simply seemed to have lost their way and it rained as if it was Judgement Day!  Streaks of lightning cracked through the heavy skies followed by roaring thunders.  I decided to shut all doors and windows of my house and sit tight.  I am not a fan of heavy-weather storms, you see!

After having a repast of noodles and curd rice, I hopelessly returned to my books at exactly half-past nine in the night. 

Suddenly the lights went out.  My new radium watch showed 11:48 pm.  The anger of the skies had still not seen any respite.  As I was gathering my thoughts, I felt something soft rub against the back of my feet.  Expecting the unexpected, I nervously turned back…Aw!  What a cute kitten!  Its fluorescent eyes looked at me pleadingly.  I decided to feed it something.  But first, I required a candle.  As I groped about the staircase, a chilling thought crept into my mind…I had never seen a kitten in my neighbourhood, nor did we have one at home. Then, how in the name of physical laws of nature, did the kitten get inside, when I had sealed all doors and windows completely?  I hurriedly lit a candle and went back to the ground floor to check on all the doors and windows again. 

Now, the kitten was missing. Poor thing, It was probably scared!  As I stood beside the huge closed French windows that opened into our lawn, the candlelight was suddenly put off.  I stood there rooted to the wooden flooring.  “Tap! Tap!” It came from the glass door behind me.  Borrowing courage from the Almighty, I darted my eyes 270 degrees right.  The second I had done, the windows opened violently and sucked me out into the garden.  Well…I like to spend time in our lawn, but only when it is nice, bright and sunny �"not at this unearthly hour, when the forces of nature had lost their sanity!

Before I could come to terms with what had happened, the kitten returned �"only, it was not a kitten anymore, but a twenty feet tall panther, with teeth that shone like pincers and saliva that drooled like blood.

Employing all my strength, I managed to get back into my house and Mr Panther had meticulously followed.  Overpowered and overthrown, I was as timid and meek as a cornered mouse. Great! Now I was completely in God’s good humour! Mr Panther would have a sumptuous, may be succulent midnight snack.  Suddenly, quite involuntarily, I picked up the heavy brass peacock that adorned the staircase landing and hurled it at Mr Panther who was prancing about in the foyer.  He disappeared unhurt and the brass peacock landed up in the foyer, but an eerie voice resounded through the house �" “Happy Halloween! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

The distant ringing of a door bell echoed in my mind.  It became louder and louder until I realized it was our door bell.  My eyes fluttered open.  I found myself lying on the sofa at an impossible angle and my Hindi text sleeping snugly under the sofa cushions.  Whew!  All that had been a dream!   And that too, a silly one!

I answered the door bell and my parents came in, giving me an earful.  I didn’t bother.  I was just glad that all of it was a bad dream�"until my mom asked, quite casually and unthinkingly “ I wonder how the brass peacock landed up in the foyer! ”

How? 

 

 

Author's Note

How can the story be improved...it's my first, you see!

Reviews

[magenta24uk]

I think this is a great start fro your story. I think you would benefit from reading it a loud to yourself. If a phrase sounds wrong then rethink it. You need a little brush up on things like commas and the like. Nothing too worrying but I feel the pather needs a bigger entrance. Maybe see just his eyes first and then the outline of his coat as he comes into focus. Make him scary make him dark give him an entrance worthy of the main scare. Just my thoughts otherwise a very good story and a lovely little piece.

[Lotus Twilight]

Thank you magenta! Your words are very encouraging! I shall try to incorporate your recommendations!

[Woody]

I find this a fine story, full of suspense. It grips the reader from the beginning. I like your description of the raging elements and the disturbing finale. But, frankly, I'm no specialist in the matter.
These are, in my humble opinion, the few corrections you might want to consider:
1. lazily settled down
2. on the sofa (coma) in the living room (coma).. Hindi Text (coma)
3. I could come back
4. it rained as if it was Judgement Day (?) I would try for another comparative as, to my mind, J.D. should not be associated with rain but with fire and brimstone. (my opinion)
5. half past nine AT night (I guess)
6. shown respite, instead of seen
7. turned around instead of back
8. unless I'm mistaken, check ON someone and check something
9. opened ONTO the lawn
10. was put off suggests someone put it off. do you mean went out?
11. the window sucked me out? perhaps I was sucked out
12. spend time ON the lawn
13. fangs of the panther would be more appropriate
14. you might want to change the adverb meticulously (follow meticulously?) why not meekly?
15. maybe (attached) succulent
16. disappeared (coma) unhurt (coma)
17. and that too, a silly one. I would say: and a silly one at that.

There! I hope I helped in my own way to improve the story. But that's a very good start for a first :)

[Lotus Twilight]

Thank you Engluva! I shall think over it!