Ballerina

Ballerina

A Story by Taylor Raven

A single spot light clicked on, signaling my cue. Graceful as a feather I preform an assemble, arabesque, to ange, saut del’ freely committed to the eternal dance.      

The sounds of clapping interlaced with the pure pleasure of the apocalyptic high I was feeling.
Twirling lights blinked like diamonds in the sky before my eyes, as I flew higher and higher.

The never ending climb drew me in like a moth to a flame, toward a peak that sent my adrenalin pumping onward.
The temptress’s embrace of the audience’s awe incited me more than I cared to admit.
Intermingled with a partners motivation built a golden arc to be suddenly achieved. So I reached for the dance’s ultimate prize to which my predecessors tasted.  

For just a second I was there, I could feel victory the pure unequivocal pleasure of completeness.
As my hand reached out, my finger tips licked the edge of that moment.
The thrilling challenge sent bursts of unequivocal fire throughout my mind deceptively proclaiming, ‘just a little higher!’

The melody changed and with it came my one mistake, ego!

With a twist of the hand the balance was lost and I in my horror fell endlessly like a mocking bird into a foreigners false embrace.
The once glorious high sent me crashing like a raging swell against the turbulent rocks.
I hit and shattered like a porcelain doll, my soul barren and venerable unable to respond.    

The sounds of complete destruction reverberated mockingly in my ears as their awe turned to ash in my mouth. The final curtain call’s malevolent kiss still lingers long after the horrendous act.    

The taste of bitterness is chalk. Thick and heavy is the scent of sweat as it hangs in the air around me like a weight binding me to the ground.

I stared enviously into the mirror with disillusion eyes at that once glorious ballerina that had silk slippers.
I indulge myself, dip my fingers in the dream of yearning, and tasted of the bitter sweetness once more.
Antagonistic silhouette images reflected in the glass mimic and tease, as they twirl and jump like twin does in flight, unaware the hunter of pride is watching.

A single shot rang true taking on the sound of torment, of my grasping startled voice.  
My past, present and future collide in lights, fading transition, revealing blatantly to my sight the real me.
The woman reflected in the mirror traded in her beloved slippers for a pair of chrome wheels.
My forever prison.
A single tear slipped out for my petty injudicious retribution in error.
Never Tango with fate.  I had learned that the hard way.

© 2011 Taylor Raven


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"spot light" - "spotlight"
comma after "Graceful as a feather"
"I preform" - "I performed"
no comma after "before my eyes"
"The temptress’s embrace" - "temptress' " (either is acceptable, but an apostrophe after the s without an additional s is more correct)
"Intermingled with a partners motivation built a golden arc" - I'm not sure what this is trying to say - "partner's"
"to which my predecessors tasted" - delete "to"
period or semicolon, not comma, after "I was there"
comma after "victory"
"finger tips" - "fingertips"
"unequivocal fire" - You already used the word "unequivocal" to describe "pleasure of completeness"
comma after "my mind"
capitalize "Just"
You don't need quotation marks if you italicize those words.
comma after "melody changed"
comma after "twist of the hand"
comma after "balance was lost"
"like a mocking bird" - "mockingbird" (unless you mean a bird that literally mocks something)
"foreigners false embrace" - "foreigner's"
"barren and venerable" - do you mean "vulnerable"? ("venerable" means "deserving of veneration" - in this usage, it implies great age)
comma before "unable to respond"
"The final curtain call’s malevolent kiss still lingers" - You're switching from past to present tense here. It can still work if you start a new paragraph with this sentence to show some separation from the previous paragraphs.
"The taste of bitterness is chalk" - weird metaphor - chalk isn't bitter
"I stared enviously" - "stare"
"with disillusion eyes" - "disillusioned"
"once glorious" - "once-glorious" in this usage
"that had silk slippers" - "who had silk slippers"
"and tasted of the bitter" - "taste"
no comma after "mimic and tease"
"unaware the hunter of pride is watching" - "unaware that the hunter"
"shot rang true" - "rings" - comma after "true"
"petty injudicious retribution" - comma after "petty"
don't capitalize "tango"

Normally I'd say that the changing verb tenses are a problem, but you seem to be doing it deliberately for artistic effect- to show the way the protagonist's "past, present, and future collide." Just be careful that you do it ONLY for such effects, and be aware that it can be confusing to the reader.

I don't see anything in this story that makes it fantasy. Am I missing something?


Posted 10 Years Ago


6 of 6 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

"spot light" - "spotlight"
comma after "Graceful as a feather"
"I preform" - "I performed"
no comma after "before my eyes"
"The temptress’s embrace" - "temptress' " (either is acceptable, but an apostrophe after the s without an additional s is more correct)
"Intermingled with a partners motivation built a golden arc" - I'm not sure what this is trying to say - "partner's"
"to which my predecessors tasted" - delete "to"
period or semicolon, not comma, after "I was there"
comma after "victory"
"finger tips" - "fingertips"
"unequivocal fire" - You already used the word "unequivocal" to describe "pleasure of completeness"
comma after "my mind"
capitalize "Just"
You don't need quotation marks if you italicize those words.
comma after "melody changed"
comma after "twist of the hand"
comma after "balance was lost"
"like a mocking bird" - "mockingbird" (unless you mean a bird that literally mocks something)
"foreigners false embrace" - "foreigner's"
"barren and venerable" - do you mean "vulnerable"? ("venerable" means "deserving of veneration" - in this usage, it implies great age)
comma before "unable to respond"
"The final curtain call’s malevolent kiss still lingers" - You're switching from past to present tense here. It can still work if you start a new paragraph with this sentence to show some separation from the previous paragraphs.
"The taste of bitterness is chalk" - weird metaphor - chalk isn't bitter
"I stared enviously" - "stare"
"with disillusion eyes" - "disillusioned"
"once glorious" - "once-glorious" in this usage
"that had silk slippers" - "who had silk slippers"
"and tasted of the bitter" - "taste"
no comma after "mimic and tease"
"unaware the hunter of pride is watching" - "unaware that the hunter"
"shot rang true" - "rings" - comma after "true"
"petty injudicious retribution" - comma after "petty"
don't capitalize "tango"

Normally I'd say that the changing verb tenses are a problem, but you seem to be doing it deliberately for artistic effect- to show the way the protagonist's "past, present, and future collide." Just be careful that you do it ONLY for such effects, and be aware that it can be confusing to the reader.

I don't see anything in this story that makes it fantasy. Am I missing something?


Posted 10 Years Ago


6 of 6 people found this review constructive.


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Added on March 3, 2011
Last Updated on March 3, 2011

Author

Taylor Raven
Taylor Raven

Winder, GA



About
I really like to write, have a great imagination, so I put it to work. I love to paint my world with words! Visit my web site at taylorraven.com, all are welcomed. more..

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