His One & Only

What occurs when a loved one perishes...

The tree limbs were in that conscious divide, part of the way dying and part of the way springing back to life. It overlooked the once busy lake. At one time it housed children swimming within its shallows and fishing poles hanging where the water deepened.

Once a happy place of wonder and joy; now full of sorrow and angst. What appeared punched with blue now cropped into an abyss. Black and without feeling.  

The house backed up to the reservoir where it always smelled like Thanksgiving. Perfect meals and baked goods formerly prepared without flaw. Now it stands as an empty birdcage. The house that no longer held onto relationships anew. It withered and dwindled into nothingness. Thoughts long forgotten. Memories shaded.

His love was lost. When she vanished, out went the smells and tastes and colors. She who created what once was. His cares were abandoned.

His once smooth exterior was now wrinkled and pining for the care of a woman. He was lost and aging. 

Almost gone.

Waiting.

Just waiting.

To join her again.

Black and white.

© 2013 Pamela Gold

Author's Note

This piece is based on a prompt, " Write a short scene set at a lake, with trees and shit. Throw some birds in there, too. By Dan Wiencek"

Reviews

[Trigorin]

Not bad. I think you could make some of your imagery a little more vivid here and there, and I think that there's still room to expand this - the ending seems just a tad tacked-on, and while I do think it's good, I think it could do with a bit more exposition. Be careful with the very short sentences. Good work.

[Pamela Gold]

I appreciate your feedback. You're right about it needing to pack a better vivid punch. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to make my pieces 500 words or less, which is fine, when that rule exists. It doesn't exist here. I will go back and tune up the volume on it. Thanks again!

[TLK]

Your use of "part of the way..." makes it hard for me to visualise the tree. Is there a more concrete way you can describe it? I'm not sure if it would be possible to have leaves at the top while the trunk itself is clearly rotting. Or maybe there is only a memory of life because of choking ivy.

The 'once busy lake' also seems to be in the same halfway relationship between life and death as the tree. You might find it fruitful to bring this out more. Mirroring is also possible from the swimming children of the past and the emptiness of the present.

These kinds of changes would give the beginning a more melancholic air, and would probably lead to you reassessing the bluntness of what follows. I think, overall, this piece could be very poetic, and really evoke a sense of (imagined) place and lived-in-ness. At the moment, it feels like a description of a rtee and lake that turns into ageing and loss, without the two being connected (in my eyes) by anything more than theme.


Welcome to the 'site, I hope you enjoy it.

[Pamela Gold]

You're absolutely right! I definitely need to expand on a lot of my descriptions. It's not painting enough of a visual. I really appreciate the feedback and am really glad I found this site.