Suffering...

I couldn't sleep one morning and had to write this.

I lay on this surface that carries my life, heart, and home. The ground that eats our bodies when our soul is no more. I raise my hand in the air desperate for the ropes to pull me up to God's throne. To take my eyes and heart to foresee the God that I've been warned. Instead I continue to lay here as I open my eyes and realized I'm still home. Confusion overwhelms me of not knowing the truth of what's right or wrong. I turn on my side to face ...him. I touch this human face that is beautiful and so strong. His face lays in my hands and I stare at this innocence, all I wonder is how? How can this face be a reason to my eternal damnation? How can this love be not good for me now? Oh I wonder so for answers to my cries. I beg to seek the reasons on which possible way is the correct way?" Marriage" they will answer. Marriage? I need marriage for this bind I have for him day to day? A piece of paper that states our souls' connections. A piece of paper? How can such thing be a way of doing what's right? Why can't it be our love be proof enough of an answer? I lie in his arms, kiss them sweetly from deep from my existence while tears flows my eyes. He holds Me and all I can hear is my mother screaming at the back of my mind," THEY WILL KILL YOU! YOU MUST STOP AND REPENT NOW!" repent? repent for what? For being human and act weak for loving this face? These hands, chest, and body that I'll protect? This soul that makes me feel complete from my head to toe?  This soul that was brought to me from above? I can not repent for what I don't feel it was mistake. I can not repent for someone that I absolutely love. He open his eyes and stares at my face. He discovers my tears and wipes them away. He knows the reason for this sadness. He knows I'm dying inside. we can't stop loving one another even if it might leads us to be threshed. He holds me tight like the weight that holds my soul attached to my flesh. I can't make myself understand how can this feeling be a sin.  I can't help but continue to question from this torturous confusion . I know this isn't from Satan. I feel no guilt for this love. Then I see it. I see our reflection in the stream. I see myself being held by him and saw disgust,  pain. and damnation. How can I risk my family and life for this man? How? I ask again. This image that burns into my mind like a steel rod ending a wound from bleeding. I can't help but suffer without any air for my heart to breathe. I sat up and touched his face. I can't deny this feeling for it is the truth. I love him too much. "I love you," I say with all my youth. What possible way is there to live without this man near my soul? It is he who is the reason for me to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night from this hellhole. I can't refuse to ignore these chains to my heart. He is locked to my body, heart, and soul. Where is the key to this lock? I look at him and knew I didn't want the key. I look at the stream and realized the proof is there. I needed this key. I need to break free and live the correct way of life, they say. I looked through his eyes and deep into his soul and, without him, couldn't see myself living the correct way. He is my correct way. There's no escape from it. This love is my prison forever and today. Death is the way for me to be set free. I see a cliff in a matters of feet from me and I wonder of Death? I stand and walked to edge of this end. I stared down without a thought entering my mind not even a breathe. Fear hasn't overcome me.  I can't stand to face the truth of this life knowing I'll never be accepted for being with him. I can't live without this man, and I can't live without my family's love. What is there to do? What else is there to live for? What? Someone tell me....there is no one. I hear him call my name, and I hear him say it once more. This pain, guilt, and love overwhelms me. My heart can't take no more. He said my name with panic one last time. I whispered to myself, 'I love you'. Then that was it. His voice was gone. I felt my face being rushed with air and felt complete freedom. Is this how birds feel? Completely free? I opened my eyes and saw the earth's ground racing towards me and realized the end was here. All my thoughts said,  "you'll be set free and you'll be truly home away from pain, guilt, and fears." Then black overcame me, and it was done.