Emotional Baggage Sketch

INT. AIRPORT - DAY

The airport is bustling with passengers trying to navigate the complex of shops and gates. A variety of melodic chimes and announcements ring out through the atrium. MR Tucker, a well-dressed man in his late thirties approaches a check-in desk. Mr Tucker places his bag next to him and his passport and ticket on the desk. Although no one is to be seen, a squeaking noise can be heard. Slowly, a WOMAN in her early 20's comes into view, her chair squeaking as she pumps the chair higher.

WOMAN

Hello, sir. How are you today?

TUCKER

Oh, um, very well, thank you.

WOMAN

That’s great, and where are you flying to today, sir?

TUCKER

Er, Paris.

WOMAN

Oh, wow. I hear it’s lovely this time of year.

She checks his ticket.

WOMAN

And flying first class, lucky you.

TUCKER

(jokingly)

Well, you know, it's the best way to smuggle drugs out of the country.

The woman gives a polite laugh.

WOMAN

Now, sir, do you have any hold baggage to check in?

TUCKER

Oh, no, just the hand baggage.

He pats the top of his bag.

WOMAN

Great, and any emotional baggage to declare?

2.

Tucker looks slightly taken aback.

TUCKER

I, er, sorry?

WOMAN

Any emotional baggage you’re taking out of the country today?

TUCKER

I‘m afraid I don’t quite understand.

WOMAN

Have you flown with our airline before, sir?

TUCKER

Um, no, I haven’t.

WOMAN

Right, well, our company has had to put restrictions on the amount of emotional baggage allowed on the plane. You see, just like physical baggage it does tend to weigh the plane down, so we ask all customers to declare any emotional baggage before boarding. Current restrictions limit baggage to ten kilograms per passenger.

She gives him a sweet smile. Tucker still looks confused.

TUCKER

Well, um, what sort of stuff are you looking for?

WOMAN

Any major relationship issues in the past five years?

TUCKER

Oh, well, my wife and I divorced about eight months ago?

The woman clicks at her computer, revealing a drop down list of various traumatic experiences.

WOMAN

Let’s see. Divorce, divorce... Ah! Here we go, divorce, four kilos.

3.

Tucker is starting to get upset thinking about his divorce, his voice beginning to break.

TUCKER

(Slightly under his breath)

She took the kids.

The woman clearly isn’t fazed, she sees people breaking down all the time.

WOMAN

(Deadpan)

Best put that up to five.

She taps away at her computer briefly.

WOMAN

Any childhood trauma that we ought to know about?

TUCKER

Well, my mother died when I was just a boy so that was very hard on me and my father... and then...

Mr Tucker grows more upset as he talks about his past, tears streaming down his face. The woman continues to enter all the data onto her computer, with apparently no concern for Tucker.

TUCKER

...when he ran over Sooty.

He stands at the desk, a shell of his former self. The woman realized he has come to the end.

WOMAN

Is that everything you have to declare, sir?

Tucker is clearly still distraught.

TUCKER

Um, yes.

WOMAN

Great, I’ll just run that through the computer.

She taps at her computer keyboard for a moment. She turns back to Tucker.

4.

WOMAN

I’m very sorry, sir, but you are in fact three times over the weight limit.

TUCKER

Oh, is there anything you can do?

WOMAN

Well we do offer a service that will remove excess baggage before the flight.

TUCKER

Is it good?

WOMAN

98% success rate, sir. Would you like me to see what the options are?

TUCKER

Um, okay...

The woman types at her computer.

WOMAN

Okay, so to remove the excess twenty kilograms it comes to £290, but if you want to remove all baggage it comes to £410. Now, we do recommend this option just in case you pick up any emotional souvenirs while abroad.

Tucker stands, completely shocked by the sum.

TUCKER

£400?! I can’t afford that!

WOMAN

£410, sir. It is currently your cheapest option.

TUCKER

What are the other options?

WOMAN

You can either cancel your booking, which is a fine of £115, and rebook your flight once you’ve removed the excess yourself.

5.

TUCKER

Or?

WOMAN

You can proceed to board the plane with all baggage attached and wait for the airbus to inevitably plummet down into the ocean.

Tucker looks at the floor, disheartened. The desk clerk leans forward.

WOMAN

Would you like me to sign you up for the service, sir?

Tucker nods, getting tearful. The woman leans towards the microphone on her desk.

WOMAN

(over intercom)

Can I get a psychiatrist to desk two, please?. Psychiatrist to desk two.

Tucker looks up at the clerk, confused, but still teary. A middle-aged woman with glasses walks up to the desk and takes Mr Tucker's arm, leading him away as he bursts into tears. The desk clerk realizes Tucker has left his bag and paperwork at the desk. She grabs it and skips after him.

WOMAN

Wait a minute, sir.

Tucker looks back at her, eyes full of hope.

WOMAN

You left these.

He looks back down, disappointed. She gives him a sweet smile.

WOMAN

Have a nice flight.

CUT TO BLACK.