Organic Feminists (from BAD MOVIES)

Here's an excerpt from my published paperback novel.

(this novel takes place in the 1970s, ha ha)

(the house is a mess because there's just been an earthquake, it takes place in Movie Land!)

"That doesn't sound safe," she said, her eyes screwing together in concern. I thought the effect would've been much better if she'd worn black mascara. Then she held her suitcase out before her. "But I'm not just protesting the power plants. I'm also selling Apple Cosmetics, these days. Have you tried them before? They're groovy. I joined the FBI… I mean… the FBA!" She laughed nervously. "The new Feminist Business Association."

"What's that?"

"To fight sexism in business," Sue explained. "We become self-employed so we don't have to work for the man. He stinks."

"This has certainly become a life full of issues," I grumbled, pushing a few items on the floor around with my foot.

"Women should think about issues," Sue mildly pretended to scold me in a way that made me wonder if she'd practiced her spiel in the mirror. "The biggest problem in the world is men. They cause war and oppress women and create repressive rape culture! Women are so much better than men. Women are the source of all creation." Her eyes looked off and tried to find to some distant glory. "Women are the only creatures on earth who are truly creative, because they give birth. Birth is, you know, the greatest act of creativity!"

"Getting fertilized is not my idea of art," I said. "Movies are. And movies are not eggs getting knocked up. Movies are… just swell!"

"Movies! Movies!" Sue huffed. "The camera lens is nothing more than a rape."

"Huh?"

"It has its long phallic lens zoom in and in and in and in and out like a dirty filthy man humping away. It objectifies women by doing that."

"What? Objectifies? What's that? The lens�"humping? What?"

"You know," Sue answered. She had righteous fury building in her, making her voice rather shrill. "It turns women into objects. Instead of just letting them be… you know… people."

"Well… I'm not as worried as you are about men today. I was just screwed by Mother Nature and that's all. I get all the luck." I pushed a coffee mug with my foot.

"We must stop all sexism by first agreeing that men are destructive monsters that rape the world. We must stop them. We must stop men and stop sexism. They stink! Especially on a hot day! Step on them! Crush them! Lock them all away into camps!"

The idea of stepping on Bod's head gave me a rush of pleasure. Then I had to wonder why I was always imagining Bod being hurt. "Sure," I agreed. "Let's stop sexism, now. Turn 'em all into slaves! What's a good way to start the revolution?" I asked, looking at her suitcase. "Shop? Mom told me once that if capitalism is good, greed is a virtue."

"What?" Sue looked a bit confounded, then looked down at her wares.

"Oh, never mind. Mom's probably just bitter that she's not rich. Let's just talk about shopping!"

Sue looked back up at me. She smiled sweetly. "Groovy. Have you ever heard of Apple Cosmetics?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

"They're, like, made from vegetables!" She set the suitcase on the floor next to the clear plastic coffee table.

I set the table upright for her suitcase. "I thought apples were a fruit."

"Oh!" Sue laughed. "No, it's just called Apple Cosmetics, but it's really made from vegetables."

"Oh, how interesting." I wasn't interested. I already had enough cosmetics spilled to the four corners of the house. "This place looks like a really stoned sorority house, huh?"

"They're all natural so they won't give you cancer or germs and only come in natural colors and won't poison you when you eat it off at dinner."

"I do like that one over there," I pointed to a lovely pale honey-colored lipstick.

"It's called Organic Dawn. Organic Dawn," Sue repeated as if it was a magic spell. "It won't poison you. It's all organic. Orgaaaaanic Daaaaawn!"

"It looks like it has bits of metal in it," I said. "Pretty. But is metal organic? Is it healthy?"

"Oh definitely," she assured me. "It's not metal, it's gangrene."

"Rotting flesh?"

"No… um… I mean guanine, I think the word is, an all natural pearly stuff made from fish scales of a certain fish that aren't rotting. Don't ask me what kind."

"Fish scales?" I made a face. "Yuck!"

Sue smiled. "Fish scales are shiny. It's better than the other companies who use aluminum and synthetic pearl in their frosties. That's not natural. Petroleum isn't natural. Gives you cancer!"

"Petroleum gives you cancer?" I asked. "Oh critters! I'm surrounded by it!"

"Yes, it's a very dangerous world!"

I decided, "I'll take your Organic Dawn. Then I just might feel a bit better. I need to start buying things to help me feel better after all that's happened here."

"Yeah," Sue agreed. "You'll feel healthy while you wear it! You'll feel so groovy!"

"And that. And that!" By the time I finished trying the Flawless Feel Foundation, I felt even better. I bought that too, along with an array of eye makeup, so I wouldn't be putting petroleum derivatives on my precious eyeballs. I was screaming for more. "I'll take this Alpha Zen Glitter, Ying Yang Blue, Clean Sea Green, and Pure Karmic Soul, to boot." While I was unearthing the contents of the house, inch by inch, to find my wallet, she invited me to a nuclear action meeting.

"Nope." That was going too far, I thought. It was one thing to shop to save the world but it was going too far to expect me to show up for anything. I told her I was busy. I was. My house was one big junk drawer. Still, she handed me three business cards… for the feminist group, the nuclear group, and her own makeup business.

I asked, "Why are your cards so brown?"

Sue smiled. "Bleaching paper will ruin all our drinking water."

I held the card close to my eye. "But it's hard to read off such a dark brown color."