Punk Rock Magic Mushrooms (from PUNK MINNEAPOLIS)

(an excerpt from my fabulous published novel - censored for the internet)

 

Sandra asked, “Isn’t a business card kind of yuppie?”

“Why is that?”

“So business-like.”

Bunny Umber’s eyes flashed with fury, and with all her bold makeup, that was something. “Artists are doing it now, and I’m the highest order of artist.”

“Cool. What do you do?”

“Rituals. I’m really good at that. I can bless any space in record time. It only takes me about an hour now. I don’t waste time. I burn sage and dance fast. And I have a band. The Bunny Umbers.”

“Never heard of you. Them. It.”

“So far we’re just practicing. Nobody outside of Pagan House has heard us. It’s a rehearsal space for punk rock bands.”

Sandra nodded. “Yeah, I heard of it. Is it really haunted?”

“Yes.” Bunny Umber sang out a long loud uninteresting unintelligible foghorn bellow, “The Goddess watches thee! Oi oi oi oi. Ahhhh. Ben-a-a-aarinate!” She smiled as if it was very good. “The voice of the Goddess channels through me.”

“Oh. What does the Goddess say?”

“She doesn’t sing in words but in tones that can break apart this dimension and bring you to a higher level of consciousness, like listening to Shakespeare for a few hours. It just takes you off and away.”

“Sounds like you’re talking about an acid trip to me.”

Bunny Umber smiled mischievously. “Oh yeah, you have to do shrooms. The Goddess always speaks through nature.”

“Sure. Of course.” Sandra nodded.

Bunny Umber pulled some dried little brown rubbery magic mushroom pieces from her pocket and then blew on them to get the pocket dust off. “Who wants to buy some shrooms?”

Sandra laughed. “I don’t have any money right now. Don’t you worry about the pigs? Have you ever been arrested for selling shrooms?”

“I was only arrested once for wearing collard greens. That’s because I live in a Nazi country.”

The clerk asked, “Like, how can you get arrested for wearing salad?”

“That was all I was wearing. It was a few years ago, back when the May Day Parade was still cool�"before it sold out so bad. I was in the parade helping to hold up a big puppet. I just had the greens sewn together on my gorgeous body, crisscrossing this way and that. I was holding up part of the puppet and I noticed the greens all starting slipping and my left t## was popping out. I was very proud of that. It was the May Day festival, after all, and after a f###’n Minnesota winter a woman should let a little bit of her t## get some natural Vitamin D. But the pigs weren’t so joyous of pagan freedom. They would have us all look like we’re walking out of a church on Palm Sunday.

“Have you ever seen one of those? They circle around their church holding a little green leaf thing and mostly look down at the sidewalk in embarrassment for being caught anywhere near a green thing. I got in the way of one once, coming home from a party. I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m sure they’ll never forget that Palm Sunday. I had a mohawk then, and the front of my t-shirt was a huge big hole, and I had these hilarious Disney Band-Aids all over my f###’n t##s. I was stared at. I probably could have been arrested then too. The f###’n pigs.”

Sandra asked, “What happened with the May Day parade?”

“I was arrested with my glorious t## finally getting a little sun, and since I had no ID on me, having no pockets, I was put in jail. If I did have my ID I wouldn’t have shown them. The date makes me older than I am. I had used it way back to get into bars before I was supposed to.” She laughed. “I should just throw that old fake one away but then I wouldn’t have any ID at all. And in this country, if you don’t have a f###’n little Nazi card, you don’t exist.”

The clerk asked, “How long were you in jail?”

She put her nose in the air. “Although I am of the most aristocratic French and Russian decent, I sang negro spirituals like I was Mavis Staples until they let me out. Well, I don’t really know any negro spirituals so I had to channel some and I sang my own May Day pagan Bunny Umber negro spirituals.” She bellowed, trying to make her white voice soulful, but not sounding black in the least, “Oh freedom! Freedom of the trees! Free the trees from corporate pigs, f### me, f### me, f### me!” See? I just channeled that and it was holy.”

“Then what happened?”

“They let me out and I think I was supposed to go to court. They gave me some date to appear in front of a prude Nazi judge, but I was at a party that day where I had to play my bells with a band… a different band. Yeah, that was back when I was with that band called Corrugated Crap. That was such a cool band. Lots of pot. So I missed it.”

Sandra asked, “Did you ever go to court?”

“Of course not,” Bunny Umber said. “If they want me they can come tell me when and where to appear and I’ll tell them if I’m busy or not. And if I’m hung over, which isn’t planned still, forget it. They can find me if they want me. Look at me. How can you miss me? If I get these dreads up any higher I’ll crash birds. Bunny Umber is all over the place. The f###’n pigs stare at me all the time.”

Sandra said, “So… you’re criminally at large?”

“I beg your pardon. I’m not large. I have a bodacious Goddess-like figure, sure.” Bunny Umber gave Sandra’s willowy frame and long blond braid a dirty look. “And gaining a few pounds since way back then shouldn’t be a crime in this sick society. F### the bossy fashion magazines. Being punk is being free. You’ll never see them come out with a Punk Barbie. The plastic would melt in protest if they tried. Little girls would have giant burn scars all over them, from Punk Barbie burning up in anger. And who would be to blame?”

 

 

 

 

Read the reviews and blurb at Amazon, you'll be amazed, you'll love it!

http://www.amazon.com/Punk-Minneapolis-Peter-Joseph-Swanson/dp/1600761682/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1292517803&sr=8-1

 

 

Reviews

[dukovan]

You feel good to read, really give the punk vibe in this. I cant say I ever was a punk, or maybe I am? You really give it a great name, whats a mushie trip like for a punk like yourself?

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

punkadelicioso!!!!