FAMILY TIES

A young woman is waylaid by a young man of a much higher class as she walksdown a country lane.

“Now then young lady, standing there all tempting for a lad like me who's all alone in the world, if you see what I mean, what are you waiting around here for, on the very little lane where I like to saunter, like, on a summer's day with the breeze curling my hair...”

“Hey, sir, who're you talking to like that, and you with that there hat on and no breeze curlin' no hair … sir...”

“There's a game I used to play, wench, when I was knee high to a grasshopper, with my cousin it was, and she was a year or more older than me … thing is she was a rare beauty, everyone said so, and you bring her to mind...”

“Me, sir? I'm no beauty, I'm not! I'm just a common or garden lass, sir, under-maid to the Thostlewhites of Big End, and no rare beauty, that I know I'm not, though my Master...”

“Your Master, pretty wench..?”

“It's when the drink's on 'im, sir, when the port or the brandy gets to 'is 'ead, and the mistress is out at a meeting, she goes to a lot of meetings, he says as I'm a pretty young thing, but then I know what's eatin' at 'im, sir, it's what my old ma warned me about, God bless 'er, about men, that is, an' the things they like to do with an innocent unsuspectin' lass... she were strong on the matter, sir, says as that's 'ow my dad got at 'er in the first place... But the master can't do so much about it these days, not with the drink on him, that he can't.”

“You poor soul! How my heart bleeds for the woman who brought you into the world, but I reckon that's the way of nature, you know. It's how the human race is so strong, so to speak, with one lot of people ready and willing to replace another when their time comes, if you see what I mean. My own dad wouldn't do that kind of thing with a lass who didn't want it, though, and neither would I. They say I was made in my father's image, and when I look in the mirror it seems to be so even though he's got a darned sight more whiskers than me, and they're turning that shade of grey they reckon makes a man distinguished.”

“I never knew my dad, sir, he was a toff, he was, a man from the other end of town with a big house and loads of money and a what's-it he's too happy to wave at young women, if you take my meaning, sir, and no offence. That's what he did to my old mother, the Lord take her, and that's when she was younger, and pretty, maybe like me, for they do say, though I can't confirm this, that I take after her in looks and if you say I remind you of a rare beauty then so might she have!”

“There's not so many big houses at the other end of town, lass, so which one might your father have come from if the whole matter isn't one fabrication from start to finish?”

“Oh, it isn't, sir, though his name ain't on any birth certificate I might have, but I've got a photo of him with my ma when she was fat with me, and he's distinguished, you can tell that much, and rakish, almost handsome you might say, not that he even knows I'm alive I'll be bound... toffs don't like to own up to their wandering ways, do they sir, and they don't own to b******s, do they?”

“I'd like to see that photo, lass … I'd like to see the image of your father... I live that way myself and it's be interesting to know which of the neighbours had behaved so scurrilously to a hard working woman like I'll bet your mother was...”

“I would show you, sir, but it ain't with me right now. I keep it under my pillow, sir, as a reminder that although a man might be a gentleman and smart and carry his cane with dignity he's also the kind of scum who lays a woman, an' leaves her, an' that makes 'im a devil in my eyes, the Lord forgive me.”

“If there's blame to be apportioned it also belongs to the woman who chooses to lay with him! By the Good Lord, you make me angry when you lay the blame at the him in the twosome, when the her must share it too!”

“Even when she is little, sir, like I am little, and he is stronger and taller, like you are stronger and taller than me, and she is the lowly servant and he is the Master..?”

“Did you know the scoundrel's name then?”

“That's better, sir, being calmer, I pray you forgive me! Yes, I did, and I hope Gerald Dunwoody is proud that I know my father by name!”

“Gerald Dunwoody? Gerald Dunwoody? That's my name! It is! And I'm not your father … I assure you I'm not! Why I'm only twenty-three! Where did you get knowledge of it from? Who gave you my personal details? Who are you?”

“You're Gerald Dunwoody? That's a corker that is! Excuse me if I smile, sir! Excuse me if I laugh! Named after your father, were you? What a fine jest! The young man who waylays a girl down this lonely pathway with the intention of talking his way to her bed or into any haystack that might be nearby… that very man … it's a fine jest....”

“Is your … I can't bring myself to say it!”

“Is my toff of a brother! What a fine jest is all this? Why, sir, I'm so glad you stopped me and enquired after my panties... Do you want to get inside them now or later? Shall I take them off for you, for fear of your tearing them, and spoiling the cloth like my ma said your father did to hers?

“It's good when relatives meet out of the blue, sir, ain't it., dear romantic half-brother!”