Happiest Memory

When I sit to write my happiest memory, I get a cramp in my left foot. I get these often now; if i turn it the wrong way, or stretch, my muscles seize. I take deep breaths and try to relax. Breathe in, happiest memory, breathe out, loneliness. My body is angry. The week has been hard, as hard as it ever is when your partner says they don’t/can’t love you anymore, at least not like this. Not when it’s so goddamn hard.

We’re talking every day on the phone while you’re visiting family across the country. We skirt around logistics, promising to talk about it later. The back of my mind whispers where will i live now? with increasing anxiety. I promise everyone I won’t kill myself and keep taking my medicine.

Back when I was in college, you and your roommate surprise me after I’ve skipped class to eat muffins from Starbucks next door. We drive to Milwaukee for Krispy Kreme doughnuts, on a whim. It’s a two hour drive and I finally feel included somewhere, if only for a minute. 

I go to brunch with friends, I get coffee, I read. I don’t write as much as I intended to at the beginning of my week off. My mind won’t allow me to process the end of everything; I simply exist.

Your roommate’s jeep doesn’t have A/C so we drive with the windows down, screaming Tegan and Sara songs into the wind. It’s unseasonably warm and in Milwaukee there’s snow on the ground. In the moment, I pause and realize that I am in the company of queers, queers like me, a relief after years of explaining queerness to straight friends. I feel true happiness; for once, I am not worried.

My foot cramp has ceased. My water to alcohol ratio is off and I am completely sober for the first time in three days. It’s five days until I go back to work and I ponder the consequences of a full blown bender. I had always wondered, in the scary parts of my head, how easy it would be for me to be an alcoholic. Now’s your chance, I think.

We stop at a rest stop in Kenosha or Waukegan or somewhere else to get gas, and I buy us snacks from Wendy’s. We scarf fries and shakes in the car in between the good sing-a-long songs. I don’t remember what we talk about, but it’s fun and I am laughing out loud.

Reviews

[Jared Payne]

Your very good at creating, new raw and creative material, that I found quite interesting to read. Your work contained well descriptive language, allowing your readers to see a clear picture in their mind. So I must say, a job well done.