Relapse

It was never about the drugs or the parties. Of course, don't get me wrong, the self destruction was a part of it. Pushing your limits and testing your boundaries.

I've learned a lot of new things about myself. I've learned that other girls dream about kissing girls in hidden corners. I've learned about the darkest corners of mind and how the shadows are friends not enemies and all they want to do is dance. Dance to the beat of my pounding heart, that's so loud I can hear it in my soul. The whole being young and stupid makes a lot more sense when you're actually doing it.

But even then the thing that tops it all is learning about you. You're there with me the whole time; our shadows mingling and intertwining. It's beautiful to watch even if I'm the only one who seems to notice it. You, a phenomena with enigmatic eyes and a sharp smile, and me.

Just me.

You taught me many things and eventually all the girls in my dreams started to look like you.

Though my shadows seem to be growing darker as the days pass. They sneak into my sober mind with doubts and confusion and the music turns to screaming and I'm not dancing but falling.

Falling down...

                              Down...

                                              down.

Until I land on my feet and my knees buckle. I'd like to think it's still beautiful but mostly it just looks tragic. Sometimes I feel like you're just standing there and watching me fall.

No.

It's less like you're watching me fall and more like you're just not seeing me fall. Still, I drown those thoughts in hazy eyes and lopsided smiles because it's easier that way. It's easier to just ignore it and pretend it's not happening because the more I think about it the harder it is to breath. This kind of hurt is impossible to live with. It's the kind that threatens to swallow me whole and spit me back out ripped away and vulnerable. Leave me unwhole and blurry around the edges. That might just be my vision though. I have no one to clear my eyes for me so I just close them because not seeing at all is better than seeing what's happening inside me. And I can't help but feel like you take me for granted sometimes. Because I love you and at some moments I need you to love me back because it's the only thing lifting me up in this world.

Would you even miss me? Or can you just move on with your life like I meant nothing. Can you just continue going home with strangers and destroying yourself without me there to help you cope because believe it or not you need me just as much as I need you. You lift me up but I bring you back down to earth. There becomes a point when you go too far and I'm the only person who pulls you back to reality.

You need me.

I need you. I'm just brave enough to admit it.

I'm not going to ask you though because I'd rather just not know. I'll stay in the dark because you voicing my fears would break me and put me in a place I don't think I can come back from.

For a long time I was clean until you showed up and I relapsed. And all my life is is the drugs and the parties because without them all I am is an empty shell of who I used to be back when things were simpler. Back when we were just two girls with the same pain.  

Author's Note

Thanks for reading :) what do you think?

Reviews

[Tom Fabian Cartwright]

Hey!

Really enjoyed your piece, the subject you re talking about resonates a lot with me and im sure it will with other teens. There are a few little mistakes; the flow of the second paragraph and the 'is is' in the final. With a bit of reviewing and refining i'm sure this work will grow and improve.

Keep up the good work!

Tom