THE ASTROMATES... Chapter 4...Part 3.

A continuation of my book

"Here we are, Richard." she said as we screeched to a halt in the pub car park.
Things were already swinging, the car park almost full.
"We should just be in time to get a cheap drink in the ‘Happy Hour’" she said, racing me up the stairs to the hall above the pub.
God, she could move for an old ‘un! The noise hit me like a ‘Pea-souper’, smothering my ear-drums. The hall was already a mass of heaving bodies, mostly women, who danced to Seventies disco records, forming rings around handbags on the floor. You could guarantee most of them were well over the requested age of twenty-five, some looked even eroded, older than my Nan, who, bless her soul, had departed from this life some years back.
"Mine’s a pint, darling." screeched Debbie in my ear as we made our way through the rabble, the ‘Happy Hour’ drinkers who thronged the bar, desperate for the last cheap drinks. By the time I got served, ‘Happy Hour’ had turned to ‘Horrid Hour’, as the hour was up and I had to pay the full price for our drinks. Debbie liked a drink and I liked her. We filled ourselves up with what we fancied. Debbie loved to dance and I watched her commit herself to movements I had only seen Kylie perform on the tele. Mind you, looking round, I realised that most of the women twirled and twisted themselves like headless chickens. Either some of those oldies swigged bottles of olive-oil every morning or there were some very creaky bones out there! I tried to copy some of the braver men on the floor as they danced with drunken abandonment. It was strange to see the ‘Medallion Man’ had not gone to the fashion graveyard and John Travolta still had some very devoted fans. Debbie, eyes alight, twisted like youth personified, talking and laughing as she twirled. This was the life, drunk, the disco inferno, loud music and louder laughter, all tied up with the giant mirrored ball hung from the ceiling, which reflected strobe lighting, it all seemed so unreal. Flaked out, I sought out a darkened corner, letting my partner dance herself to a standstill. Finding me, Debbie giggled and swayed her body into mine as the last slow tune played. I will tell you, I had to stand erect for some time after the music had ended, waiting for my enthusiasm to wane. I was ready! Debbie looked a dream, eyes sparkling, lips smiling and arms drenched around my neck. I knew she was well tipsy by the way she held onto me for support as we made our way to the car-park.
"Perhaps we’d better catch a cab." I suggested.
"Nonsense." came the reply. "I’m taking my young man home in my little baby and when we get home, we’re going to get down to some serious bonking!"
Oh, brainless mind! My brain had looped itself down to the front of my trousers! I sat quietly as she revved the engine up.
"You see, Richard, how evenly matched we are? That’s why I wanted an Astromate, an ideal partner."
Now don’t get me wrong, I liked Debbie looking at me with lust-filled eyes but not when we are driving down the road at forty-six miles per hour through dark streets and whizzing through the occasional red light. She turned the wireless on full blast, shouting out the words of the song with complete madness, the windows wound down. Oh, please, please, my mind begged, please let us get to her house safely and snugly fit into the shag-sack! Suddenly, as if my prayers had been answered, the car came to a screeching halt outside a house surrounded by a wall of high bushes. Home at last. Thank God! I began to unbuckle my seat-belt.
"I wont be a mo." shouted Debbie, hopping out of the car, leaving the engine running and the wireless blaring.
"Are we home?" I screamed as she retreated into the darkness behind the bushes.
"No." came the distant reply. "I just want a wee!"
I couldn’t believe it, a grown woman stooping down behind some bushes, having a wee! I know a man would have no trouble ‘Peeing’ up a wall but a woman…? The noise from the wireless was driving nails into my brain, while the effects of the drink wasn’t helping. Reaching over, I fiddled with the knob on the contraption and, with a bit of luck, managed to turn the damned thing off. In the ensuing silence I heard a creaking sound which seemed to grow louder. Looking round, I realised the bushes were moving. It seemed so unreal as the bushes started moving by, faster and faster. Then, to my horror, I realised it wasn’t the bushes which were moving, it was the car! We had stopped on a slope and Debbie, in her rush for toilet release, had not applied the handbrake properly. I was on the move, the car gathering speed. I screamed in helplessness, screaming for Debbie, screaming for my life as I saw the void waiting to swallow me up. What could I do, the car was an alien thing to me? The only internal combustion I was familiar with was sexual climax! I screamed louder, my head poking out of the window, turning back to see Debbie chasing after the car, trying to hoist her knickers up as she ran.
"Pull the handbrake up!" she shouted, giving up the chase and pulling her skirt down.
At last! An instruction which made sense. I knew what the handbrake was and where it was situated, simply because I had been holding it while Debbie was driving. Squirming over and with frantic strength I yanked at the brake, causing the car to come to a sudden lurching stop, the engine conking out with a final splutter. Oh, the joy, the relief which flooded through me was like a cold-water drink in the middle of Death Valley! Poking my head out of the window, there was no sign of Debbie and I guessed she had gone back to watering the garden. With shaking legs, I trembled my way round to the drivers seat and clambered in, needing to make sure the brake was pulled all the way up. I gave it a final tug, just one more notch.
"Is this your car, Sir?"
Have you ever wondered how quiet these modern police cars are when they creep up to catch you unawares? I stared out at the officer, who stared back with serious eyes.
"No, it’s not mine, officer. It belongs to a friend of mine."
I looked helplessly around, waiting for Debbie to appear.
"Debbie!" I shouted.
No sign.
A second policeman had now climbed out of the patrol car and sauntered across, to smile a wicked smile at his hoppo.
"Debbie! Debbie! Come out, wherever you are!" he mimicked, looking round in mock horror when no-one appeared.
Opening the door, the first policeman invited me out and removed the car-keys.
"Now." he said, holding out a breathalyser bag. "If you would like to blow into this, Sir."