THE ASTROMATES... Chapter 5...Part 1.

A continuation of my book.

CHAPTER FIVE.

THE CANCER EXPERIENCE.

"Where have you been, old chap?" asked Alexo as I entered the office.
I let rip. I spared him no time to quieten me down. I explored every avenue of profanity in my determination to express my outrage. The verbal abuse was accompanied by me doing an impression of a tiger as I stalked round his office with fists clenched. Alexo took it all in his stride, turning in his chair to watch me each time I passed behind his desk.
"I spent a whole night in a bleeding police cell!" I screamed. "A whole night being treated like some bloody criminal. They took away my belt and shoelaces, in case I was going to top myself. I was verbally abused, had the piss taken out of me by some female copper who didn’t even reach my belly-button. I was accused of being a drunk-driver, of having no licence or insurance, even accused of stealing the bloody car, that piece of junk!"
Alexo sat in silence, patiently watching me as I stalked, soaking up my tirade without a twitch.
"And to cap it all." I carried on. "The next morning, bold as brass, Debbie breezes into the police-station. Don’t worry, she tells me, I’ll clear up this mess. She tells the cops about her ‘Wee’ behind the bushes and about the handbrake but she says nothing about being drunk. She gives this ‘C**k-and-bull’ story about being chased by a strange man, so by the time she gets back to where the car was, she finds it has vanished and doesn’t find out it had been towed away till this morning."
"Did they let you go?" inquired Alexo, at last.
"Of course they let me go. How d’you think I’m standing here now? The law hasn’t made its mind up whether to prosecute me or not. I’ve got to wait and see, thanks to you!"
"Me?" Alex held out his hands in an expression of innocence. "How am I to blame?"
"Because it was you who came up with this stupid idea, all that chat about me getting my leg across. All I’ve come across so far is grief. So sod off! And I hope I never see you again!"

The office door was slammed with shuddering violence. Alexo sighed, then began to type up a report of my previous nights’ experience, without, of course, reference to my verbal assault. He whistled silently between clenched teeth.
Two weeks later, no word from Alexo. I sat, a warm cup of tea in one hand, the condoms in the other. To be honest, I was thoroughly bored, beginning to realise those last weeks in my dealings with Alexo had, at least, enlivened, if not sexually enriched, my life. At least, I had met some interesting characters, nearly reaching my expectations until some unfortunate incidents had put an abrupt halt to my plans. It wasn’t Alexos’ fault, purely coincidental. Putting my teacup down and slipping on my jacket, I pocketed the condoms and made my way to the bus-stop. Alexo pretended not to notice me as I silently pushed open the office door and stood there in amazement. He was humming to himself as he flicked and whisked at his desk with a yellow duster. The entire office was clean, I mean clean with a capital ‘C’! I stood scratching my head. Where had all the scattered and ruptured paper gone? All the litter, the foolscap and literary flotsam which had swum on the sea of the wooden floor was missing. Gone, too, was the chipped saucer with its contents of chewed-up cigar-butts. Gone, all gone!
Now, in the centre of the newly cleaned desk, stood a lonely plant pot filled with some brownish soil.
"Got a cleaner then?" I quipped, still staring round the room.
Alexo gave a last flick of the duster, showing no sign of being drawn into banter before sitting in his chair, inviting me with a wave of his hand to draw up a chair to face him.
"Ever watched a crab?" he asked suddenly.
"Eh?"
He had taken me by surprise, there was no mention of my unpleasantness at our last meeting, no rebuke about my solemn oath never to return. He just asked me about a bleeding crab!
"Simple question, dear boy. Ever watched a crab, you know, at the seaside?"
"I caught one in a bucket once." I began… "And I’ve met a couple at discos in my youth."
Alexo tutted, in no mood for sport.
"Are you going to be wise and learn or do I have to wait until the child in you matures?"
"Okay, okay." I said, maturing "I have had the opportunity to see numerous crabs scuttle over the sand in days of yore."
"Right. Show me how the crabs walked," demanded Alexo.
I’m not exactly the greatest when it comes to crab-walking but I did as Alexo demanded and worked my fingers over the desk as though I was fingering a demented typewriter.
"Wrong!"
Alexo had jumped up from his chair with an air of delight, as if he’d caught my hand in the cookie jar.
"Wrong!" he exclaimed again as I did another short finger-burst.
"Okay, Alex, you win fair and square." I said, not having the slightest clue what the mad chap was on about. Perhaps he had really lost it this time. Perhaps that accounted for his big clean-up, he had finally flipped!
"A crab walks like this." he said, scuttling his fingers across the desk.
"See that? A crab never walks in a straight line like you did. A crab walks sideways, like this." He scuttled his fingers once more in a sideways fashion.
"Right. I get it. Now what’s the point?" I asked.
"The point is, dear chap, it’s the nature of the Cancer Sun-Sign."
"So you still want me to continue being an Astromate?" I queeried.
"Why are you here, if not to continue?"
Good old Alex, always a question answered by a question. When you consider it, all the intelligent sods and Members of Parliament do that, don’t they, answer questions with questions?
"Of course I want to continue, master. Please carry on with your lesson."
Alexo continued.
"Your female Cancer, often crabby when the mood takes her, rarely goes straight to the point. She will go round the houses, testing the water before making any kind of request. Put it this way, if a Cancer female wants to borrow some money from a friend, she will first talk about the weather, discus the home, the children, the price of fish and the rent which needs paying. After all this, one might call it the ‘Softening-Up’ approach, she will finally get round to the urgency of the errand, to borrow some money."
"So why doesn’t she just come right out with it and say... ‘Can you lend me some money?" I asked.
"No, no, dear boy, that will never do. You see, your average Cancer lady has a hard shell on the outside, people can often see her as tough and abrasive, the impression is she’s a tough old biddy. Truth is, underneath, she’s as soft as putty and the thought of refusal can be very hurtful indeed. She has to know how the land lies, whether the atmosphere is right before going in for the kill."
"Bit sneaky, isn’t it?" I said.
‘Not at all. Cancer, like Scorpio and Pisces, is a Water-Sign. They all rely very heavily on their sense of feelings, understanding atmospheres. They like to dip their toe in the water first, that way they don’t get scalded."
I was, at last, beginning to make some sense of this Astrological malarkey.
"You see." Alexo went on. "You have to understand the feelings of the Cancer female, otherwise you’ll feel the sharp nip of her large claw."
I understood that all right. I’d been nipped by a crab in the past and it bloody hurt, I can tell you.
"In reality." continued Alexo. "The Cancer lady hasn’t got the heart to kill. In fact, her large ‘Nipper’ is really a ‘Nagging’ machine. When she wants to drive someone away, she can quite easily nag them to death… Nip… Nip… Nip… Nag… Nag… Nag!"
Alexo worked his long bony fingers like a pair of pliers, nipping them out like a demented ducks’ bill.
"So what you’re telling me is, I have to be aware of the Cancer lady’s feelings, right?"
"Too right." expressed Alexo. "Especially when she gets to mooning about. You have to be watchful of mood swings when she gets broody. She’s a nurturing soul, the ‘Mother-Hen’ who likes to keep a roof over her nest. The male of the species, the ‘Rooster’, or even the ‘Bantam-Weight Champ’, likes to feel they rule the roost!"
My God, I thought, can you imagine a male and female Cancer getting married? One ruling the roost while the partner nags him to death!
"Who is my date then, Alexo? When will it be arranged?"